Help for Hurting
This is a different type of article
than what I normally write, deviating
from my usual objective and
research-based journalism. I prefer
to write fact, not opinion, so I tend
to avoid any subject for which I
have strong feelings.
I take an excursion from that pattern at my own expense, because I believe that sharing my personal experience might benefit those who share my affliction. At risk of being seen differently by those not aware of this, I want to share that I was diagnosed, 12 years ago, with bipolar disorder. You've probably heard all about bipolar disorder by now, or at least heard of it in passing, even if only by the politically incorrect term “manic depression.”
Most people, especially those who have only known me since I started at Fanshawe this September, likely had no idea. I'm a top student, hardworking, polite and generally friendly. Yes, I have my bad moods, but so do you. Sure, I'm quirky, but lots of people are. I talk openly, frequently, and sometimes say the wrong thing, but you have friends like that, right? You wouldn't on that basis make an amateur diagnosis that they suffer from mental illness. As is generally true of the symptoms of bipolar disorder, it isn't so much what I feel, how I act or what I say that is different from other people, but rather the extreme fluctuations and extent of behaviours and emotions that are problematic.
I am one of the lucky ones, first because my symptoms are mild compared to most people with bipolar disorder. Second, I was diagnosed and treated effectively at the age of 30; some people never get diagnosed properly, possibly unaware that they need help or that such help is available. Since that diagnosis, I have been increasingly healthy with each passing year and have exceeded all expectations of the medical and mental health professionals I have dealt with. But I wish that were the end of the story...
The truth is, every once in a while, something upsets the delicate balance. There's a chemical factory inside my own body that might as well be a meth lab straight out of Breaking Bad, and all the medications and cognitive therapies in the world can't keep it in check 24/7. So at some random moment, on average once every 12 months, with some years worse than others, a perfect storm of bad luck in my personal life or something as simple as a bad bout of the flu can trigger a spiral into a deep depression. This is the dark cloud that is forever looming over my head. No matter how well I get, or how hard I try, I know that horrible experience is waiting around the corner eventually.
This year, the people who had no idea that I am bipolar had a chance to see the man behind the mask. There were times during the month of February that I forced myself to go to classes despite the fact that my eyes were red from breaking down in tears. Sometimes I would just barely be able to keep from breaking down while walking through the hallways in full view of people I didn't even know. There were multiple triggers for my recent setback, the specifics of which are not important, but my message to my fellow students is...
Whether you have bipolar disorder or not, you may face a time like this while you are a student or later in life. I can't tell you what will get you out of it. Maybe you'll need antidepressants, special accommodations, counselling — everyone's needs are unique. What I can tell you is what got me through the last few weeks. Even though I know that I will feel this bad again, I also know how glad I always am to be alive when I get through it. I've gone through this enough times that even when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know that it is there. This allowed me to keep working through the pain.
I maintained my studies and got my assignments completed. I didn't give up. I struggled with one exam, but I'm still a straight-A student. I don't mention that to brag. I mention it because I want people to know it isn't easy to succeed under such circumstances, but it is possible. In years gone by I would drop out when things got tough or just given up trying. In contrast, at this point in my life, my success through the hard times is part of what helps me to feel better, get better and stay better.
If you think you might be suffering from bipolar disorder, or are struggling with depressive or suicidal tendencies, please do make an appointment with Fanshawe's Counselling Services without hesitating, or visit a medical professional elsewhere without delay. I am not recommending you try to go it alone or just try harder. My point is simply that you shouldn't give up on your goals, dreams and accomplishments because you think that there is no hope. I can tell you from years of experience, help is available and you aren't going to feel bad forever.
If you or someone you know is dealing with a mental health issue, Counselling and Accessibility Services on campus provides free and confidential care.
London Campus, Room F2010
519-452-4282
counselling@fanshawec.ca
I take an excursion from that pattern at my own expense, because I believe that sharing my personal experience might benefit those who share my affliction. At risk of being seen differently by those not aware of this, I want to share that I was diagnosed, 12 years ago, with bipolar disorder. You've probably heard all about bipolar disorder by now, or at least heard of it in passing, even if only by the politically incorrect term “manic depression.”
Most people, especially those who have only known me since I started at Fanshawe this September, likely had no idea. I'm a top student, hardworking, polite and generally friendly. Yes, I have my bad moods, but so do you. Sure, I'm quirky, but lots of people are. I talk openly, frequently, and sometimes say the wrong thing, but you have friends like that, right? You wouldn't on that basis make an amateur diagnosis that they suffer from mental illness. As is generally true of the symptoms of bipolar disorder, it isn't so much what I feel, how I act or what I say that is different from other people, but rather the extreme fluctuations and extent of behaviours and emotions that are problematic.
I am one of the lucky ones, first because my symptoms are mild compared to most people with bipolar disorder. Second, I was diagnosed and treated effectively at the age of 30; some people never get diagnosed properly, possibly unaware that they need help or that such help is available. Since that diagnosis, I have been increasingly healthy with each passing year and have exceeded all expectations of the medical and mental health professionals I have dealt with. But I wish that were the end of the story...
The truth is, every once in a while, something upsets the delicate balance. There's a chemical factory inside my own body that might as well be a meth lab straight out of Breaking Bad, and all the medications and cognitive therapies in the world can't keep it in check 24/7. So at some random moment, on average once every 12 months, with some years worse than others, a perfect storm of bad luck in my personal life or something as simple as a bad bout of the flu can trigger a spiral into a deep depression. This is the dark cloud that is forever looming over my head. No matter how well I get, or how hard I try, I know that horrible experience is waiting around the corner eventually.
This year, the people who had no idea that I am bipolar had a chance to see the man behind the mask. There were times during the month of February that I forced myself to go to classes despite the fact that my eyes were red from breaking down in tears. Sometimes I would just barely be able to keep from breaking down while walking through the hallways in full view of people I didn't even know. There were multiple triggers for my recent setback, the specifics of which are not important, but my message to my fellow students is...
Whether you have bipolar disorder or not, you may face a time like this while you are a student or later in life. I can't tell you what will get you out of it. Maybe you'll need antidepressants, special accommodations, counselling — everyone's needs are unique. What I can tell you is what got me through the last few weeks. Even though I know that I will feel this bad again, I also know how glad I always am to be alive when I get through it. I've gone through this enough times that even when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know that it is there. This allowed me to keep working through the pain.
I maintained my studies and got my assignments completed. I didn't give up. I struggled with one exam, but I'm still a straight-A student. I don't mention that to brag. I mention it because I want people to know it isn't easy to succeed under such circumstances, but it is possible. In years gone by I would drop out when things got tough or just given up trying. In contrast, at this point in my life, my success through the hard times is part of what helps me to feel better, get better and stay better.
If you think you might be suffering from bipolar disorder, or are struggling with depressive or suicidal tendencies, please do make an appointment with Fanshawe's Counselling Services without hesitating, or visit a medical professional elsewhere without delay. I am not recommending you try to go it alone or just try harder. My point is simply that you shouldn't give up on your goals, dreams and accomplishments because you think that there is no hope. I can tell you from years of experience, help is available and you aren't going to feel bad forever.
If you or someone you know is dealing with a mental health issue, Counselling and Accessibility Services on campus provides free and confidential care.
London Campus, Room F2010
519-452-4282
counselling@fanshawec.ca
