CREDIT: RASULOVS / THINKSTOCK
The Cat in The Hat should have been locked up before he terrorizes more families.

Although it’s been a few years, I’m sure that most of us have read, or been read, Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in The Hat. If you need a quick recap here’s the break down.

Two kids, aged about five or six, are left home alone. A cat barges in and starts balancing as many things as he can, only to have them all fall to the floor. Afterwards he unleashes two… things, which run amuck in the house. They fly kites inside (screw physics) and generally make a mess. Moments before the mother comes home, the cat in the hat cleans the house and disappears, leaving the mom none the wiser.

First off, how irresponsible is this mother to let two kids this young stay home alone. At least hire a baby sitter or something. These kids don’t even know how to lock the front door. Anyone can get in, even dogs, even cats, even cats in striped hats. These poor kids are going to have some serious trauma about felines when they’re older.

Despite their impending PTSD, it’s the children who are pitted with the guilt complex at the hands of their pet fish. The mother shoulders no blame for her recklessness in this story. What if the cat had psychopathic tendencies? What if he was a pyromaniac? If that door was locked, then he certainly has a questionable skill set. Lock picking, knowing when kids are home alone, speaking in rhyme… very suspicious.

How the hell would the testimony of a talking fish stand up in a court of law anyway? I’m sure the mother would have a hard time explaining how a cat murdered her two children while she was conveniently out doing god knows what.

I’m sure in Dr. Seuss’ world, the judge would be an owl and the jury would be amorphous jelly people, but let’s be real, that mother is getting 25 years to life in prison.

The atrocities don’t stop here however. At the end of the book, the cat becomes a hero in disguise as he cleans up the mess that his aliens, Thing 1 and Thing 2, created. This is quite dandy and good-natured, but all the while this is going on, the mother is walking up the front steps.

This cat leaves with a crate, comes back on a giant riding lawn mower with hands and then rides away on it, all while the mother is walking up the front porch.

It’s not like he uses the back door or anything, he’s not trying hard to hide anything. The mother must have seen something. Yet when she walks inside she is completely clueless.

This woman just saw a humanoid cat hurriedly running away from her young children and she’s not even shocked. What kind of parenting are these poor kids getting? That cat could have been robbing them! He left with a box the size of a sofa. What if he packed up the kids and ran? Can someone please give custody of these two to that father- figure fish of theirs?

I sentence Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in The Hat to severe parental counseling and an eye exam. Also can someone please look into where this cat went? How many other children must be terrorized before we bring this maniac to justice? The cat in the hat should have been locked up before he terrorizes more families.
Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.