CREDIT: JESSICA THOMPSON
The horror of fall is well upon us, with pumpkin spice lattes filling people's travel mugs and dead leaves covering the ground; this, my friends, is an awful time to be in Canada.

I try not to take things too personally. For the most part this leads to a happier outlook on life but sometimes it just feels like the whole world is out to get me. This is one of those times.

Walking around London I can’t help but notice the alarming number of trees with red, orange and yellow leaves. It’s only the beginning of October but these leafy bastards think it’s okay to embrace autumn. To just lay down their leaves and die. Well it’s not okay. Nothing about this month is okay.

October is a fickle teenager, where the days can swing from shorts weather to thunderstorms and gale-force winds in a moment’s notice. This is the seasonal equivalent of puberty and I wish October would smarten up, take care of its acne and get its crap together. Sure, today October’s only stealing warmth, but tomorrow it could be stealing our sunshine and flip-flops. It’s only a matter of time before October starts throwing fits of snow and hail and all we’ll be able to do is stand idly by and pull on a coat.

I was outside in a t-shirt just a week ago and today I actually saw a small snowbank. This is outrageous and I won’t stand for it. Granted, this was outside of a hockey arena and it was snow from the Zamboni, but that’s beside the point. I shouldn’t be subjected so carelessly to things like snow on the ground or red leaves on the trees. Where is the justice?

It’s not only nature that has been so inconsiderate either. Just a few days ago I heard someone order a pumpkin spice latte. The situation has been officially upgraded from a nuisance to a category five fiasco. Those three unholy words are the harbingers of so-called ‘sweater weather’. Saying them out loud is enough to shake the leaves off the mightiest of oaks. I’ve even seen handfuls of evergreen needles turn shades of red while in the presence this atrocious drink. Clearly there are dark forces working through pumpkin spice lattes and their devout followers. Even muttering the words to yourself is enough to summon apparitions of olive-green jackets, UGG boots and infinity scarves.

It’s just not safe outside anymore. The autumn loving, PSL drinking, leaf-crunching community is waltzing around like they own the place and summer is being intimidated into a full-fledged retreat. I worry that by the time this article hits the stands it will be too late to do anything.

If you can still make it out of the country I implore you to fly south, study abroad or take an impromptu trip to Nashville. Get out while you still can because the frost is about to start nipping at unsuspecting ankles. Winter is coming and soon we’ll be trapped in the eternal snow globe that is Canada.

You might have read this and gotten a good chuckle or two. Well, laugh now while you can still breathe deep enough to do so. Soon the air will become too frigid to breathe through your nose and your teeth will be too sensitive to breathe through your mouth. Ankles and wrists will be broken from slipping on ice and backs will be hurt from shoveling snow. Those seemingly innocent piles of leaves will be replaced by menacing snowbanks with patches of yellow from the neighbour’s dog. Removing a glove to text will become a race for the safety of your fingers and one day soon your sock will slip off inside your boot.

While you fight for survival, I’ll be lounging on a sandy beach somewhere warm where the words “pumpkin spice latte” are a fleeting memory and the palm leaves are brilliant shades of green.

Don’t cry for me, I’m going to a better place.
Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.