Stop fighting the freshman 15

Listen up freshmen because I’m going to teach you something that could save your scrawny butts later this year. Up until this point you’ve always had the love of mommy and daddy to protect you from goblins and gremlins but it looks like that’s not the case anymore. Now you’re on your own, weak and defenceless against the horrors of college life. You’ll need the strict guidance of a true college veteran to survive these halls in one piece. Stray from the path laid before you and unspeakable terrors will unfold.

The secret to surviving Fanshawe College is the freshman 15, shocking I know, but hear me out. It’s no use fighting the 15 because it’s a vicious hunter with a wide array of tools and traps. Your food choices on campus range from too expensive to grease served with grease so you’re pretty much doomed to begin with. Don’t just accept the 15, embrace it and make it your own, make it your ally, make it your personal assistant. You’ll need to pack on the extra pounds for what’s coming in the later months.

Benefits of the freshman 15 start to show around November when the first real chill of winter hits. The naysayers who refused to gain the 15 are all shivering in their olive green coats and their chino pants, wearing three sweaters and woollen socks, but the chill of winter does not faze you because you’ve prepared for the cold by nourishing your own built-in layer of warmth.

On the surface, being warmer may seem like a small win for the 15s but the affiliated benefits are vast. With this extra bit of fat, your body can spend more of its energy on fending off the flu this winter rather than keeping warm. While the naysayers battle the harsh temperatures in their frail and frigid bodies, they begin to catch colds and fall ill. At first it’s only a few of them but like any good zombie-movie, the infection spreads quickly.

Before long, the naysayers have contaminated entire computer labs, sending scores of students home from class – or worse – to the walk-in clinic. The only cold-season survivors I saw in my time at Fanshawe were the 15s. By avoiding sickness this winter, the 15s end up leaps and bounds ahead of the competition with regards to classes and stress levels. Think of the time and money you can save when you’re not busy debating between tissue brands in Shopper’s Drug Mart because your nose is so red that you’ve been nicknamed Rudolph.

The benefits don’t stop in the cold and flu isle of Shopper’s though. With your builtin winter sweater, you’ll be going through fewer layers of clothing each day, which can significantly cut down on laundry costs. It may not seem like a big deal but when it comes down to the last few months of school and you’ve exhausted your meal plan, you’ll need every penny you can scrounge up.

Alas, the meal plan seems like a lot of money at the beginning of the year but when you’re forced to cough up $5.99 for a simple breakfast sandwich from Oasis it can run dry pretty quick. It’s a shame that the alternatives are $10 foot longs from Subway or the greasiest pizza you’ll ever encounter over at Pizza Pizza. When it comes time to start rationing boxes of Kraft Dinner and packets of Mr. Noodles, that extra 15 pounds you packed on will buffer your lack of food intake. The 15s will breeze through the weeks of crackers and cheese for dinner but naysayers will inevitably become undernourished and burn out. While your competitors regain their strength after returning home, you can use that extra bit of gusto you have left to make the most of your job search. The naysayers are in bed, exhausted and beat, but you’re still strong-willed and motivated. Go out there and snatch up all the jobs while the competition is down and out.

If body image makes you wary of the freshman 15, rest assured that you have plenty of years to work off the small amount of weight gained. The most important thing right now is survival of the fattest. The naysayers are always busy at the gym or bussing across town to find a Farm Boy grocer, but the 15s are getting ahead in their studies and making the most out of their stay here at Fanshawe. Putting on weight doesn’t always mean that you’re lazy or unhealthy. It means you can see the bigger picture.

Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.