Slightly more normal: Being a bipolar student in my 40s

Illustrations showing different emotions. CREDIT: WOOCAT
Up, down, up, down, sometimes up and down at the same time. Being bipolar, the reality is the cycle will never stop.

If I could offer just one piece of advice to students today about living with bipolar disorder, it would be pay attention to your moods. Embrace your cycles, but don’t let them define you.

Here’s my deal – I’m 41, bipolar, and left a career in journalism behind to come back to school and learn carpentry. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the years – good, bad and otherwise – and want to let you know that a stable life is coming. It may take a while to get there, but that’s perfectly normal.

For me, poor mental health and even poorer self-care led to many years of blunders and breakups, failures and fantasies. In retrospect, it was all cyclical.

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Realizing that was key to managing my illness.

I was a mess in my late teens. My father’s suicide just before I started high school left me far more messed up than I gave it credit for. A few years later, things started to surface – dark and scary things.

I was moody, erratic, withdrawn, extroverted, introverted, angry, and just plain lost. This was the late 90s, and I was about 18-19 years old. Most of my friends were off to post-secondary school or went straight into the world of work.

I stuck around high school for a victory lap. It was soul-crushing.

I talked to my doctor, and was put on medication. I felt like a complete misfit, and never told anyone about it. Given my tragic backstory, I was just another depressed teen to a lot of people. They were right, but also wrong.

Somehow, though, I made it through the year and was excited to come to Fanshawe for Broadcast Journalism.

When I first walked these halls at the dawn of the millennium, I had no idea that my crazy mood swings and boom-bust party habits were signs of bipolar disorder. It cost me a lot over the next few years – jobs, relationships, and even my diploma.

An extended stay on the psych ward and barrage of medications later, I was properly diagnosed. Turns out those anti-depressants were triggering mania and the subsequent substance abuse was triggering depression.

The cycle remained relatively unbroken for some time.

Do you see the theme here? Up, down, up, down, sometimes up and down at the same time. Being bipolar, the reality is the cycle will never stop.

So what to do?

Recognize. Adapt. Deal with it. Move on. Nobody likes to hear “deal with it” as advice. I certainly didn’t. However, the world won’t stop for us just because we’re bipolar. The goal is to make our absences from it shorter and shorter.

In this day and age (god, I sound old saying that), the good news is people are open to talking about their mental health. Even better, people are way, way more open to listening.

Society as a whole has moved on from “don’t ask, don’t tell,” to genuine concern for one another’s wellbeing. Believe me, this was not the case 20 years ago. Mental illness was weakness. It was a red flag for employers. It only happened to crazy people, and was only spoken of in hushed tones.

Bullshit.

If you start to slide, talk to someone. In fact, talk to your close friends and family now, before things start to go wrong. They can help you. I can tell you there are times when my partner notices I am slipping before I do. When that happens, we talk about it and I get ahead of the cycle.

Just remember not to be offended when someone you love notices your behaviour is out of the ordinary. It’s the most helpful thing a person can do. The rest is up to us.

Now I’m at the point where I can say, “Yes, I’m depressed right now. But...it will pass. I can ride this out.”

Or, “I can feel mania coming on. Maybe I’ll stay home and out of harm’s way instead of heading downtown to meet friends at the club or taking on extra work at school.”

These days, my psychiatric visits are awesome. My appointments are mostly small talk because I’ve had nothing serious to report for years now.

I still get manic and I still get depressed. But now I recognize it early and adapt my behaviour accordingly so that it doesn't get out of hand.

If you are a young, bipolar student reading this, start keeping track of your mood swings. Keep track of your behaviour during depressions, manias and normal times. See what is harmful and what is helpful.

Don’t beat yourself up if you make mistakes. Own them, apologize if necessary, and move on.

The next time you spiral one way or the other, you can see it coming and try to slow down because you’ve been there before and lived to tell the tale.

Of course, you’ll mess up. I have many, many times. Still do time and again. But, the consequences will be minimal, if any.

Each of us is all allowed to be depressed. We’re allowed to be manic.

The goal, however, is not to be.

Know yourself. Understand that slip-ups are only temporary. Use mistakes as learning opportunities and when you feel yourself going under, take a step back.

I’m never going to be “normal,” and neither are you. But I know myself better now, and love who I am.

It’s going to take a while, but trust me – you’ll get there.

Stability may seem boring, but it’s also extremely liberating.

Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.