Seven sins to becoming a successful villain

Now that the holidays are indeed over, we can all concentrate on what winter is really about: being miserable. I've come to discover that I'm not a very good person and, with my help, you too can learn to throw your ethics aside and be a real jerk to all manners of people. Allow me to run down the seven sins and what you can do to contribute to each of them.

We start our journey with lust. I'm sure there are a number of lust fans out there and if there's one sin I don't need to give tips about in college, it's this one. However, I made a commitment to elaboration of these sins and I intend to keep it. First trick to lust is to just lie. Lie a lot. Faking a name or accent never hurts either. The trouble is that if it's to be considered true lust, it has to be completely gratuitous: you can't have any emotional attachment while still feigning feelings long enough to commit the deed itself.

Gluttony is the next step. If ever you're wondering how much you need: don't. Always go with as much as possible and hoard it; if others want it, they can get it themselves. Overeat and over drink on every occasion — it also doesn't hurt to indulge in products that have been known to endorse child cruelty. This isn't to be confused with greed; gluttony can include any self-destructive act committed for selfish need. Ever experiment with drugs? If you haven't done so, than you just aren't trying hard enough.

Next stop: Greed. We're all very lucky to have been born in a free country with a level wealth, freedom of thought, opportunity and education that each seems beyond the dreams of some places in the world. Is that enough? Clearly not. What's nice about greed is that it's a sin committed simply by committing other sins for a specific goal: yourself. All you need to do is keep an iron grip on everything that's yours — releasing it only to clutch something greater — and take what belongs to others.

Sloth was supposed to be next but I don't really feel like writing about it.

Envy is the next stop. If greed is a perverted love of everything that's yours, envy is a perverted love of everything that isn't. Ever have a friend that just got promoted at work or see a couple that found themselves in a really cohesive relationship? You may be tempted to feel happy for them, but I'm here to tell you to perish any such thoughts immediately. The reason why they have something that you don't is because they think they're better than you. Trust me, it's the only logical explanation. Now is the time to try and sabotage them, if you can't have something, neither can they. It's only fair.

Where do we go from here? We go to wrath. Remember when you were a kid and people used to tell you that violence doesn't solve problems? Those people were sissies. If something goes wrong, it's invariably someone else's fault and any thoughts of vengeance must remain present, heated and, ideally, acted upon. If you feel a black orb of hate in your chest so big it's starting to develop its own gravitational pull, you're on the right track.

And the final and most important of the seven sins is pride. You are too good to change, if anything, the world should change for you. You just need to worry about you and that's really all that matters. If something goes wrong than it's probably because of someone else. This is the most important sin because if you realize just how great you are than it'll make all the other sins seem so much more natural. It's important to remember that as long as you don't look as bad as everyone else than everything is peachy. In fact, it might be an idea to practice the phrase, “I'm above you” to the mirror a few times.

So, to summarize, for those of you who feel like your lives have been too ethically driven my only advice is to practice at it. Pretty soon you'll be combining all seven into individual acts of blaspheme several times a day. Just remember that you have little more to do than keep some of these useful tips and tricks in mind and you'll be on your way to being an all-star asshole.

Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.
Previous Article