During my recent doom-scrolling, I came across a new topic of contention for the annoying and chronically online community. Apparently, whether a man who is attracted to other men identifies as gay or Queer has a deeper meaning that you might think. Spoiler alert: I think it’s nonsense, but here are the general arguments from both sides, as I have read them.

From the Queer side: The term gay is exclusionary, as it exists within a binary system of gender and is Western-centric, whereas Queer is all-encompassing. Some people reject the Queer label for transphobic reasons, and therefore the term is universally bad. 

From the gay side: Some gay men do not feel comfortable being included in an umbrella term with a plethora of sexualities, genders and other identities that do not resonate with them. Some still remember the effect of queer as a slur. Some really are just transphobes.

To me, personally, the term Queer (an identifying label deeply entrenched in gender theory) is too far-reaching. As a cisgendered man, the gender aspect of Queer does not resonate with me and, in terms of sexuality, I find it too vague. I like my labels succinct, to-the-point, and only to be used in relevant situations. In fact, my sexuality is not an important aspect of my identity at all. Rather, it is just one of the facets which collectively make up me. Before being gay, I am a journalist, a Canadian, Métis, a Star Wars fan, a language and politics nerd, a less-than-semi-talented musician, and also left-handed. I am also a man who is attracted to other men, so I am, in fact, gay (a word which means precisely that).

I believe it goes without saying, that no one has the right to question your chosen label or coerce you into adopting their own. It goes against the entire ethos of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community: The freedom to be who you are, not who others tell you to be. So, let’s walk the talk here, folks. Do some people prefer gay over Queer because they’re transphobic? I have no doubt that’s true, and let’s call them out for that. Does that mean every person who prefers gay is transphobic, or worse, that the label itself is transphobic? Absolutely not. If you prefer the label Queer, that’s fine, but no one has to agree with you. If you prefer the label gay, that’s also fine. Still, no one has to agree with you.

This was not an issue until someone crawled out of their hole to stoke the flames of outrage on social media, and I am still wondering why we give those people any attention whatsoever. It points to a much deeper issue, particularly in progressive circles: We are seemingly addicted to feeling angry, and we willingly participate in the Online Outrage Olympics, collecting imaginary points per angry repost, all the while breathing life into new divides and conflicts. It is constantly distracting us from the issues that matter. Let’s get off each other’s backs, and support one another. Let’s give each other the grace to discover who we are on our own terms, with no baggage or petty judgements. Let’s stop centring our individual experiences in everything and stop feeling victimized by other’s choices when they don’t actually affect us. And, yes, let’s always be vigilant of real harm being done to our communities— but, I’m sorry, that just doesn’t include whether someone prefers gay or Queer.