Getting to the bottom of things
A St. Thomas clairvoyant claims he can predict a persons future by groping and feeling their naked buttocks.
Geoff Chester, 43, claims that people's buttocks have lines like those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about their character and destiny.
“The bottom is shapely and unique -- it's a much stronger power of expression than the hand in my experience,” said Chester, “as long as it is not blowing gas out into the atmosphere when I'm working on it.”
By running his fingers along a number of lines on the surface of a client's naked buttocks , he says he can tell them about their future monetary success, family life, health and happiness and gullibility.
He says lines representing success, sex, career and artistic ability extend inward from the outer extremities of the buttocks.
Chester says all types come to him to have their bottoms read.
“All sorts come to have their buttocks felt, pried, pushed and primed, from cleaning ladies and secretaries to prominent members of the community.”
Chester claims to have fondled at least 10,000 buttocks.
“An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life,” he said. “A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth.”
Chester is quick to shoot down any suggestion that his buttock groping might be motivated by anything other than a genuine desire to probe people's futures.
“I want to help people. I really do,” he said. “When someone has the squirts it isn't pleasant. It's very tough.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
Geoff Chester, 43, claims that people's buttocks have lines like those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about their character and destiny.
“The bottom is shapely and unique -- it's a much stronger power of expression than the hand in my experience,” said Chester, “as long as it is not blowing gas out into the atmosphere when I'm working on it.”
By running his fingers along a number of lines on the surface of a client's naked buttocks , he says he can tell them about their future monetary success, family life, health and happiness and gullibility.
He says lines representing success, sex, career and artistic ability extend inward from the outer extremities of the buttocks.
Chester says all types come to him to have their bottoms read.
“All sorts come to have their buttocks felt, pried, pushed and primed, from cleaning ladies and secretaries to prominent members of the community.”
Chester claims to have fondled at least 10,000 buttocks.
“An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life,” he said. “A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth.”
Chester is quick to shoot down any suggestion that his buttock groping might be motivated by anything other than a genuine desire to probe people's futures.
“I want to help people. I really do,” he said. “When someone has the squirts it isn't pleasant. It's very tough.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
