Campus on alert for “cougars”
Eye-witness reports suggest that a large, feline-like animal has been seen prowling around campus on several occasions during the previous week. Observers say the animal has been hanging around the college's residences, looking for a way into the dorms.
Officials have concluded that if there is a “cougar” in the area it is most likely a domesticated “cougar”, escaped or released from captivity.
“After examining all of the reported evidence of each sighting it has been determined that more material evidence is required to conclude that there is a ‘cougar' roaming around the campus,” said a Fanshawe Campus Security Services special constable, speaking on the condition of anonymity, even though there are only six special constables on campus. “As a result of these sightings Fanshawe is pursuing additional services in an attempt to seek out material evidence that could confirm or deny the existence of such a “cougar” on campus.”
Campus Security Services is warning all frosh, especially adolescent males in the 17-19 demographic seeking noncommittal sexual thrills to be extremely careful during these times, as it is likely that the “cougar” is either recently divorced or separated and may be copulating with multiple males regularly.
“Campus Security Service will continue to respond to all reported sightings,” assured the special constable. “Of specific importance when reporting a sighting is to note the size, colour and head shape of the “cougar”, any distinct markings, size of the tail, location, time of day and the direction of travel when last seen.”
Student Wesley Arsewinder claims to have been attacked by a cougar in his dorm during Orientation week activities and has the scars to prove it.
“I was out drinking with the boys at the Shack, when I decided to go back to my room,” said Arsewinder. “Then I thought lucky me, this chick I just met outside [Falcon House] wants to hook-up, but when we got into my room she jumped me and starting pawing and scratching me. She was definitely on the wild side. I'm just glad I survived that 15 minutes of torture before she slipped away.”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
