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Powered up pooch tainted by CGH

Rush Bytte | Distorter Media | Distorter | September 17th, 2007



The grand old game of dog fighting has become the latest sport to fall victim to a drug scandal.

Peanut, the reigning champion of the Bad Newz Kennels fighting league is currently under investigation for using a banned substance after failing a drug test following his latest fight.

Peanut's rise to the top of the sport has long been considered suspicious, according to fight expert Jermaine Shephard.

“It's rare for a poodle to excel in the combat sports”, explained Shephard. “It's also rare for them to weigh 200 pounds. I've long had my doubts about him, and this test vindicates those feelings.”

The test found traces of Canine Growth Hormone (CGH) in Peanut's urine. Traces of Peanut's urine were also found in his owner's carpet, however he has already been hit on the nose with a rolled up piece of newspaper for that incident, and faces no further sanctions.

“This is the worst time something like this could have happened” said Shephard. “With the endorsement of NFL superstar Michael Vick, the sport of dog fighting has never been hotter. Spike TV has been negotiating with several of the top dogs to appear on a new late night fight show — this certainly won't help that. This is the kind of thing you think only happens in sports like baseball, not in dog fighting.”

Those in the Peanut camp have been quick to come to his defense, ordering a second urine test.

“These allegations are outrageous” declared Peanut's manager Rex Collie. “Those involved will find out they are barking up the wrong tree. This has been a rough, rough, rough time for Peanut. He is an elite athlete, always gives it his all out there, and has never been accused of dogging it. Peanut knows all about the television contracts that are being negotiated, and he wouldn't jeopardize that. He wouldn't want to be known as the one who screwed the pooch. This poodle denies the whole kit and caboodle!”

If the second test comes back positive, Peanut faces a one year suspension from the sport, which is only about seven weeks in human years.

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.

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