NFL set to engage in ratings war
FOX television executives were rejoicing on Monday, February 4th when it was revealed that 97.5 million viewers tuned in to watch the New York Giants upset the heavily favoured New England Patriots.
That number made the game the most watched broadcast of the 2000s. It also gave the NFL the top 10 most watched broadcasts this decade, and 12 of the top 15 overall.
While FOX was ecstatic with the numbers, those at NFL headquarters were left shaking their heads.
“What do we have to do to beat freakin' “M*A*S*H”?” was a question asked by several despondent NFL executives.
A long running medical drama/comedy, “M*A*S*H” focused on personnel in a U.S. Mobile Army Surgical Hospital during the Korean War. The finale episode of “M*A*S*H” aired on February 28, 1983, and became the most watched program in U.S. history with a viewership of 105 million.
“We thought we had them beat this year,” said an NFL marketing representative who wished to remain anonymous. “We had the incredible story of the New England Patriots trying to complete an undefeated season. We also had the New York Giants, representing the biggest television market in the country. We had Tom Brady, Randy Moss and Eli Manning. Yet we still couldn't topple “Radar” O'Reilly, “Hot Lips” Houlihan and Colonel Klinger. I'm beginning to think we'll have to dig up Elvis to perform next year during the halftime show.”
Further discussion showed that while a zombified version of “Jailhouse Rock” likely won't be taking place at Super Bowl XLIII, drastic changes in the game's format are in the works.
“The game will not be taking place at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa Bay as originally planned. Instead, the game will be taking place in Afghanistan. We haven't decided exactly which part of Afghanistan yet, we'll sort that out a few weeks before hand” explained the marketing rep.
“Furthermore, whereas the Super Bowl usually is a contest between the AFC championship team, and the NFC championship team, that will not be the case next year. The AFC and NFC will be merging this year, and only one NFL team will make it to the Super Bowl. They will take on The “M*A*S*H” Fighting 4077s, which will be led onto the battlefield — and we mean that literally in this case — by Alan Alda, best known as Captain Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce.”
While Alda has vowed to bring the Super Bowl trophy to the U.S. Army, not all of his former castmates are thrilled about being drafted into the NFL.
Jamie Farr, who portrayed Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger is said to be particularly apprehensive. The character Klinger often dressed in women's clothing and participated in other zany antics in order to be discharged from the army. Farr is said to be hatching several schemes at the moment in order to be suspended by the NFL. However, with all of the gun crimes, drug charges and dog fighting rings that have involved NFL players as of late, the suspension bar has been set pretty high.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
That number made the game the most watched broadcast of the 2000s. It also gave the NFL the top 10 most watched broadcasts this decade, and 12 of the top 15 overall.
While FOX was ecstatic with the numbers, those at NFL headquarters were left shaking their heads.
“What do we have to do to beat freakin' “M*A*S*H”?” was a question asked by several despondent NFL executives.
A long running medical drama/comedy, “M*A*S*H” focused on personnel in a U.S. Mobile Army Surgical Hospital during the Korean War. The finale episode of “M*A*S*H” aired on February 28, 1983, and became the most watched program in U.S. history with a viewership of 105 million.
“We thought we had them beat this year,” said an NFL marketing representative who wished to remain anonymous. “We had the incredible story of the New England Patriots trying to complete an undefeated season. We also had the New York Giants, representing the biggest television market in the country. We had Tom Brady, Randy Moss and Eli Manning. Yet we still couldn't topple “Radar” O'Reilly, “Hot Lips” Houlihan and Colonel Klinger. I'm beginning to think we'll have to dig up Elvis to perform next year during the halftime show.”
Further discussion showed that while a zombified version of “Jailhouse Rock” likely won't be taking place at Super Bowl XLIII, drastic changes in the game's format are in the works.
“The game will not be taking place at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa Bay as originally planned. Instead, the game will be taking place in Afghanistan. We haven't decided exactly which part of Afghanistan yet, we'll sort that out a few weeks before hand” explained the marketing rep.
“Furthermore, whereas the Super Bowl usually is a contest between the AFC championship team, and the NFC championship team, that will not be the case next year. The AFC and NFC will be merging this year, and only one NFL team will make it to the Super Bowl. They will take on The “M*A*S*H” Fighting 4077s, which will be led onto the battlefield — and we mean that literally in this case — by Alan Alda, best known as Captain Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce.”
While Alda has vowed to bring the Super Bowl trophy to the U.S. Army, not all of his former castmates are thrilled about being drafted into the NFL.
Jamie Farr, who portrayed Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger is said to be particularly apprehensive. The character Klinger often dressed in women's clothing and participated in other zany antics in order to be discharged from the army. Farr is said to be hatching several schemes at the moment in order to be suspended by the NFL. However, with all of the gun crimes, drug charges and dog fighting rings that have involved NFL players as of late, the suspension bar has been set pretty high.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
