After recently giving birth to a set of twins, superstar diva Jennifer Lopez has gone on an elaborate shopping spree that has made her children the envy of every other newborn on the block from which Jenny is from.

Max and Emme, the offspring of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony won't have to deal with all the aches and pains that most newborns experience, thanks to the personal masseuse that has been hired specifically for the children.

“Let's face it, being a baby can be stressful,” claims baby masseuse to the stars Fabian Lashley. “On top of that, think of how difficult it can be to be a celebrity baby? Max and Emme need the type of relaxation that can be provided only be a registered baby masseuse. There are some irresponsible celebrities that chose not to hire a masseuse for their infant - yes, I'm talking to you, Reese Witherspoon. I'm sure your children will grow to resent you because of your neglect.”

Those that feel that spending money on a masseuse, and a colour therapist (also on the Max/Emme payroll) were even more blown away when rumors circulated that Lopez had purchased two Shetland ponies, and diamond rattles for the newborns.

Lopez was quick to deny those rumours.

“The press is constantly making up these ridiculous stories about myself, and now they are doing it to my children. I did not buy my children ponies and diamonds. I did however buy them diamond encrusted ponies.”

Lopez explained that ponies are generally quite dirty and hairy, and does not feel it would be sanitary for her children to be covered in pony follicles. So she had all of the hair on each pony's body removed, and then had diamonds glued onto every inch of the pony. Lopez insists that the process did not harm the ponies.

“I would never stand for the mistreatment of an animal,” declared Lopez, who at the time was wearing boots made out of coyotes. “So back off PETA, those ponies are treated like gold - hey, that gives me an idea. Marc, go find out the current price of gold, and measure one of those damn ponies. Oh, and find out which plastic surgeons are willing to give ass implants to babies.”

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