Inside Santa's political mailbag

I'm tight with Santa. And I'll let you in on a little secret: that jolly look on his face, those rosy cheeks... yes, you guessed right readers: Santa is a serious boozer. Peach schnapps is Jolly St. Nick's favourite tipple. He claims it keeps him warm when he's delivering sacks of toys to good little girls and boys.

Santa has been sending me drunken emails of late, making me think he's been hitting the bottle a little earlier and harder than normal. Maybe the economy is getting him down, or the multiple wars and starvation in parts of the world where CNN doesn't go. This constant Santa spam can get annoying when he's sending me pics of Mrs. Claus in an elf bikini, but Santa does occasionally send me “Wish List” letters from his mailbag.

Here are some excerpts from some of the more well-known personalities:

George W Bush

Dear Santa,
Well, the country is completely bankrupt, but I'm not - not by a far stretch, Praise Jesus! So maybe you could whip up some kinda fine legacy for little Georgie Jr. here. I wish to be remembered as the saviour of the United States. Ain't much. Oh, and if you could see that Cheney finally has The Big One before he writes his tell-all book, I'd be muchly appreciative. Be sure that Obama Bin Laden gets what's coming to him, too, yeeha.

Stephen Harper

Santa,
Please make the price of oil go back up, otherwise Canada is fucked. We'll be running out of Tim Horton's jobs soon, too, so if you could whip up some brand spanking new industry where people can make lots of money while finding a use for their university degrees, I wouldn't argue. Oh, and I know the kids are asking for a Hummer limo to take them to school and back... but the taxpayers are already footing that bill so save yourself the bother.

Michael Ignatieff

Keep that fucking Trudeau brat out of the Liberal leadership race!

Dalton McGuinty

Everything is just fine in Ontario, Santa. Heh, heh, just fine. Don't worry about us. Nope. Everything seems sweet from where I'm sitting in downtown TO. My MPs and I will wait another year before we “wish” for another raise, har, har.

Ontario Teachers Federation:

We wish that all teachers in Ontario will make over a hundred grand at the same time a goodly chunk of the population in the province is being denied welfare benefits. Do it, Santa, otherwise we'll be going on strike, because the situation just isn't fair to our members. Make sure that BCE stocks go up, too, Santa or we'll accuse you of not caring for kids and education.

Henry Paulson:

My wishes have already come true, Santa. I helped create an economic meltdown and now I've got the American taxpayers - luckily not rich people like me - paying to fix the stock markets so me and my pals can keep making 10 to 20 per cent on our money annually. I wish it was always this easy.”

Barack Obama:

I wish I wouldn't have made promises I won't be delivering. I wish Iraq and Afghanistan would disappear, too. Can you help out Santa, because I wish I knew what to do.

Happy Holidays.

Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.