Love Lola: Breaking cherries and spygate
Dear Lola,
I've been dating my guy for about six months and I really like him, but I've been getting a weird feeling lately that he's not as happy as I am. Sometimes he breaks plans at the last minute and I don't always feel like he's being completely honest with me. The other day when he was napping, I took his cell phone and slipped into the bathroom to check his messages. I found a bunch of texts from other girls that were pretty flirty. One even mentioned a night out when I know he told me he was studying. I want to confront him, but I'd hate to admit I was going through his phone. I don't want to look crazy! What do I do?
Bathroom Reader
Dear Bathroom Reader,
Ah, a classic case of the justified snoop! To sneak or not to sneak? It's a relationship conundrum as old as love itself.
Don't think for a minute that the age of technology invented these morally deviant opportunities to play private dick while your boyfriend snoozes. Text messaging, Facebook and GPS tracking have simply added a new twinkle to the age-old practice of spying on ones true love.
Back in the day, even I spent time rummaging under the front seat of my boyfriend's Trans Am or searching his knapsack for notes from other girls. Yes, I admit to the occasional insecurity-driven pocket search without a warrant.
Long before LOL, BRB and LMAO took a hold of the adolescent vernacular, people used to actually pass incriminating, handwritten notes during class to communicate with the much-sought forbidden fruit. Finding an origami-cally folded note written in purple pen in your boyfriend's pants was the 90's equivalent of discovering a YouTube video of your guy doing belly shots with your roommate; BUSTED!
Without knowing your beau personally, it's hard to gauge where he sits on the Snoop-Excuse barometer. Some folks see it as a total deal breaker, where others are so mortified to be caught that they fail to realize the err of your ways.
There's the old adage; ‘Don't do the crime if you can't do the time'.
Basically meaning that you shouldn't rummage through your boyfriend's pants if you're not prepared to be caught RIM-handed.
Some support the belief that ‘The end justifies the means'.
In essence, if your hunt turns up some dirt you are automatically in the right! Me? I'm a big believer in ‘Seek and you shall find'.
If you're suspicious enough to sneak about in the first place, chances are you already know what you're going to find. If you've convinced yourself that there's a dirty deed to uncover, you will search relentlessly until anything remotely resembling a lie or a breach of trust is exposed.
The truth is, I've never searched through a boyfriend's phone/desk/wallet and NOT found something incriminating. Why do I always find something? Psychic energy? Women's intuition? Not a chance. I'm always able to turn up a questionable receipt or a controversial email because I don't stop looking until I do.
Everyone's got a little dirt to dig up; an imperfection, a smudged record or a moment of suspended logic floating around in their past. Since we're talking college kids here, I'm betting more of these classic cuts are happening right here in the present.
Bottom line, you snooped because you doubted him. If you were really happy or if he was really trustworthy you wouldn't have.
Maybe you're not surprised that you found a tasty text; you're just shocked at your own reaction to it. You're stuck now between your own fight or flight instincts; do you stay and work out this hot mess or run for the hills far away from this questionable chap?
We all want to believe that we'll walk way from the first sign of trouble, but it's in our nature as animals to respond to illicit behaviour. Simultaneously repulsed and intrigued by his possible indiscretion, you want to confront him, but you're scared to look crazy or insecure or possibly expose an honest, vulnerable, feminine side that for some reason girls like to keep under lock and key.
My opinion? Admit what happened and open the lines of communication. If there's an excuse, maybe he'll offer it.
Frankly, nothing's going to change the fact that you don't trust this guy an inch. Breaking plans and sexting with other girls just sounds like he's really not into this as much as you are.
Dear Lola,
This summer, I worked as a counselor at a Christian camp up north. I met a super hot guy and had a perfect summer romance. Since it was a Christian camp, I lied and told him that I was a virgin because he was. When we made love at the end of the summer it was very sweet and way more meaningful than with boyfriends in the past. The trouble is that now he's here at my college I actually would like to date this guy, but there's no way to keep this a secret around my friends. Can this be saved?
Chastity Oh No
Dear Chastity,
Your summer sounds so sticky and sweet you could be on a postcard. Christian camp leaders? Virgins? Making love? It's like Grease without all the awkward singing and creepy Kinicki.
Too bad your Summer o' Lovin' sounds like a complete charade!
I admire your hootspa in playing the part of a virginal saint; I have so many questions to ask though! Did you act coy? Were you purposely clumsy and flustered? When two virgins take a tangle it's rarely picturesque. It's usually a bumpy, painful disaster.
I suppose it's respectful that you were looking for a pure, God-fearing summer romance, but to just wind-up bumping uglys on the last day of camp, seems sort of odd.
It makes me wonder how you know that he was telling the truth?
Young men rarely boast about their virginity in these Maxim-ized, Playboy, Porn Hub times where sex is up for grabs virtually or electronically at every corner. Finding a boy who will admit his virginity, especially in his twenties, is rare.
So why you? It seems hard to figure that a guy would hold onto the prize for that long only to give it away to some hot, summer fling with no promise of a girlfriend/fiancé/wife in the end.
Okay, back to your question. Can you save this? Can you approach a man after lying to his face and misleading him not only with your faith, but with his own health and safety and ask him if it's okay that the cherry he thought he popped might have actually sprung its first leak back in high school?
I'm going to put my money on no, you can't sweetie.
People don't like being lied to, period. Telling this guy he wasn't the first boy to hoist his flag on your land is just going to make him feel uncomfortable and probably a little angry.
I'm a huge sucker for blunt, unsolicited honesty though, so privately and apologetically letting him know that you felt ashamed of your past and really wanted him to like and respect you might at the very least maintain your position on his Facebook friend list.
As far as dating goes? Just be happy with the free ride you got, and stop being greedy. This guy deserves an honest girl who's proud of her experiences and respects his desire to tap a clean slate.
Better luck next time.
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
I've been dating my guy for about six months and I really like him, but I've been getting a weird feeling lately that he's not as happy as I am. Sometimes he breaks plans at the last minute and I don't always feel like he's being completely honest with me. The other day when he was napping, I took his cell phone and slipped into the bathroom to check his messages. I found a bunch of texts from other girls that were pretty flirty. One even mentioned a night out when I know he told me he was studying. I want to confront him, but I'd hate to admit I was going through his phone. I don't want to look crazy! What do I do?
Bathroom Reader
Dear Bathroom Reader,
Ah, a classic case of the justified snoop! To sneak or not to sneak? It's a relationship conundrum as old as love itself.
Don't think for a minute that the age of technology invented these morally deviant opportunities to play private dick while your boyfriend snoozes. Text messaging, Facebook and GPS tracking have simply added a new twinkle to the age-old practice of spying on ones true love.
Back in the day, even I spent time rummaging under the front seat of my boyfriend's Trans Am or searching his knapsack for notes from other girls. Yes, I admit to the occasional insecurity-driven pocket search without a warrant.
Long before LOL, BRB and LMAO took a hold of the adolescent vernacular, people used to actually pass incriminating, handwritten notes during class to communicate with the much-sought forbidden fruit. Finding an origami-cally folded note written in purple pen in your boyfriend's pants was the 90's equivalent of discovering a YouTube video of your guy doing belly shots with your roommate; BUSTED!
Without knowing your beau personally, it's hard to gauge where he sits on the Snoop-Excuse barometer. Some folks see it as a total deal breaker, where others are so mortified to be caught that they fail to realize the err of your ways.
There's the old adage; ‘Don't do the crime if you can't do the time'.
Basically meaning that you shouldn't rummage through your boyfriend's pants if you're not prepared to be caught RIM-handed.
Some support the belief that ‘The end justifies the means'.
In essence, if your hunt turns up some dirt you are automatically in the right! Me? I'm a big believer in ‘Seek and you shall find'.
If you're suspicious enough to sneak about in the first place, chances are you already know what you're going to find. If you've convinced yourself that there's a dirty deed to uncover, you will search relentlessly until anything remotely resembling a lie or a breach of trust is exposed.
The truth is, I've never searched through a boyfriend's phone/desk/wallet and NOT found something incriminating. Why do I always find something? Psychic energy? Women's intuition? Not a chance. I'm always able to turn up a questionable receipt or a controversial email because I don't stop looking until I do.
Everyone's got a little dirt to dig up; an imperfection, a smudged record or a moment of suspended logic floating around in their past. Since we're talking college kids here, I'm betting more of these classic cuts are happening right here in the present.
Bottom line, you snooped because you doubted him. If you were really happy or if he was really trustworthy you wouldn't have.
Maybe you're not surprised that you found a tasty text; you're just shocked at your own reaction to it. You're stuck now between your own fight or flight instincts; do you stay and work out this hot mess or run for the hills far away from this questionable chap?
We all want to believe that we'll walk way from the first sign of trouble, but it's in our nature as animals to respond to illicit behaviour. Simultaneously repulsed and intrigued by his possible indiscretion, you want to confront him, but you're scared to look crazy or insecure or possibly expose an honest, vulnerable, feminine side that for some reason girls like to keep under lock and key.
My opinion? Admit what happened and open the lines of communication. If there's an excuse, maybe he'll offer it.
Frankly, nothing's going to change the fact that you don't trust this guy an inch. Breaking plans and sexting with other girls just sounds like he's really not into this as much as you are.
Dear Lola,
This summer, I worked as a counselor at a Christian camp up north. I met a super hot guy and had a perfect summer romance. Since it was a Christian camp, I lied and told him that I was a virgin because he was. When we made love at the end of the summer it was very sweet and way more meaningful than with boyfriends in the past. The trouble is that now he's here at my college I actually would like to date this guy, but there's no way to keep this a secret around my friends. Can this be saved?
Chastity Oh No
Dear Chastity,
Your summer sounds so sticky and sweet you could be on a postcard. Christian camp leaders? Virgins? Making love? It's like Grease without all the awkward singing and creepy Kinicki.
Too bad your Summer o' Lovin' sounds like a complete charade!
I admire your hootspa in playing the part of a virginal saint; I have so many questions to ask though! Did you act coy? Were you purposely clumsy and flustered? When two virgins take a tangle it's rarely picturesque. It's usually a bumpy, painful disaster.
I suppose it's respectful that you were looking for a pure, God-fearing summer romance, but to just wind-up bumping uglys on the last day of camp, seems sort of odd.
It makes me wonder how you know that he was telling the truth?
Young men rarely boast about their virginity in these Maxim-ized, Playboy, Porn Hub times where sex is up for grabs virtually or electronically at every corner. Finding a boy who will admit his virginity, especially in his twenties, is rare.
So why you? It seems hard to figure that a guy would hold onto the prize for that long only to give it away to some hot, summer fling with no promise of a girlfriend/fiancé/wife in the end.
Okay, back to your question. Can you save this? Can you approach a man after lying to his face and misleading him not only with your faith, but with his own health and safety and ask him if it's okay that the cherry he thought he popped might have actually sprung its first leak back in high school?
I'm going to put my money on no, you can't sweetie.
People don't like being lied to, period. Telling this guy he wasn't the first boy to hoist his flag on your land is just going to make him feel uncomfortable and probably a little angry.
I'm a huge sucker for blunt, unsolicited honesty though, so privately and apologetically letting him know that you felt ashamed of your past and really wanted him to like and respect you might at the very least maintain your position on his Facebook friend list.
As far as dating goes? Just be happy with the free ride you got, and stop being greedy. This guy deserves an honest girl who's proud of her experiences and respects his desire to tap a clean slate.
Better luck next time.
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
