Love Lola: Three times a week romp not the charm for nympho
Dear Lola,
I have a problem with an irritating guy in my class that won't leave me alone. He's sort of awkward and nerdish and he seeks me out at any opportunity. He's not getting the message; he just keeps on hanging on my desk, asking me a million questions, pestering me about my love life and complaining about being single. He's probably harmless, but he just won't give up! How do I gently tell someone that I'm just not interested?
Zero Interest
Dear Zero,
Sounds like you've caught a nasty case of unrequited affections, also known as nerd love. We all find ourselves in this position at one point or another in our lives. A kind, well-meaning simpleton stumbles into our path and for some reason refuses to budge no matter how much we avoid eye contact or busy ourselves in the bottom of our purses. These determined little soldiers not only reject our disinterest but seem to just respond with lamer jokes, drier stories and more endless banter.
What's a sweet, classy girl to do? Unfortunately, subtleties don't work here honey. You can't tell a young pup like this that you just want to be friends; he'll show up at your front door next weekend with cookie dough, a lumbar roll and a stack of old Sassy magazines!
To these eager beavers a girlfriend is the most coveted out-of-reach goal a man can achieve. Offering yourself up as a girl friend is just going to whet his appetite for a deeper, more romantic relationship with the warmest body around; yours! Snagging his first girlfriend and taking his inaugural lap around the bases is probably more important to this kid than his grade point average.
No, a not-so-subtle-suitor such as this requires an even less subtle response. Be prepared to be firm, yet polite, when dealing with him. First of all, do not initiate contact. Looking interested, laughing at his jokes or seeking out his opinion will only bolster his ego and encourage him to continue loitering in your personal space until Christmas. Secondly, make it clear you would never date someone who was in any of your classes; you're very private and you have very strict guidelines about keeping school and home separate. Thirdly, never let him touch you. Hanging, clingy guys like this tend to give unsolicited massages or shoulder rubs. If he tries to touch you, scream at the top of your lungs and pretend he scared you. Insist that he frightened the crap out of you and make him promise to never do it again. Trust me, he'll get the message.
Now, just to wander off point here a little bit...I'm dying to figure out, how is it that you know you're not ever going to be interested in this guy? Could it be possible that he's actually a cute guy trapped in nerd's clothing? Could he be a diamond in the rough? Have you not seen Can't Buy Me Love? (Note to reader: if you are not familiar with this mind-blowing fantastic rom-com circa 1987, starring a pre-McDreamy tousled haired Patrick Dempsey please put down this paper immediately and hunt it down). What I'm saying is: without all the awkward, nerdy obvious defects, is there something smart, honest and mature about this guy? Usually at 21, your relationship locator is pretty much set to “HOT” with your pheromones leading you to the best looking stud you can get your hands on. Rarely do young hormones latch onto intelligence, responsibility and loyalty. Maybe what you see as nerd just needs a new POV.
Here's a story for you to ponder before I send you off to make your own decision:
Many years ago, I met a guy who barely caught my eye. He was bland. I was in a fierce drinking-dancing-giggling phase in my life and he was always so serious. I thought he was boring so I walked away. Years passed and I would see him again and again. Still in the same job, still in the same clothes, still BORING! I was spinning, crazy, spontaneous and frankly a bit of a spaz. He was monotone, he stood still, and he spoke in well-thought-out sentences. Not my type. Eventually, as I got older I started to see him differently though. Predictable became reliable, serious became honest, boring became loyal and eventually he became one of my favourite boyfriends.
Nerds are usually just wise, charming men, years ahead of their peers. Keep it in mind.
Dear Lola,
I'm so embarrassed to be writing about this, but I need a second opinion. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and we are sexually active in a monogamous relationship. The sex is good and we usually go at it about three times a week. The problem is, I want sex everyday. My boyfriend and I are both in school and we have part-time jobs too. He says three times is enough, but I'm dying! Am I some kind of sex addict? I thought all guys wanted sex everyday, is there something wrong with my boyfriend? HELP!
Sex Offender
Dear Offender,
Wow. Well, first of all, congratulations with being so in tune with your inner vixen! Most woman hit their sexual peak in their 40's, far out of reach of tasty, freshman studs. Kudos to you for striking while the iron is hot; too bad your boy toy is only lukewarm!
I think it's so sad that you're worried something is wrong with you. We're animals! We hunt, we gather, we feed, we mate...school and jobs are just decorations and distractions in this dance to consummate bliss! Of course, if you want to eventually feed from a paycheck and mate in a condo, you do have to pay the bills, but the basics are still the same. People need to be touched. Sure, you prefer the touching before foreplay that eventually leads up your skirt, but it's human contact all the same and I think it's fantastic!
Perhaps what your boyfriend is really feeling is an intimidating reversal of gender roles? Men are used to the chase; their testosterone-driven bodies are built to be the more sexually aggressive half of a relationship. Men are almost trained to expect a woman to feign a headache, come to bed in flannel or PMS one week each month; it's a challenge! Finding a purring kitten in his futon each night, might actually be threatening his sensitive male ego and leaving him worried about not meeting your high sexual expectations. Talk about performance anxiety!
If your need for heavy petting is actually hindering your boyfriend's ability to study, sleep or complete a meal, you may want to look at spending some private time working off your frustrations. Maybe airing the orchid? Lovin' your oven? I hope we're on the same page here. Sometimes a girl just needs to take the edge off by herself and let the boyfriend finish his Xbox game in peace.
Now, if you were to say that your guy wasn't interested at all, or was suddenly refusing your advances completely there could be something more going on here. Without jumping to conclusions that there's a bigger problem under the sheets, before you head to the bedroom always do a quick head-to-toe check-up of your lady parts, and be sure you're up to code. Get those things in order and most guys will saddle up to anything.
Happy Humping!
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
I have a problem with an irritating guy in my class that won't leave me alone. He's sort of awkward and nerdish and he seeks me out at any opportunity. He's not getting the message; he just keeps on hanging on my desk, asking me a million questions, pestering me about my love life and complaining about being single. He's probably harmless, but he just won't give up! How do I gently tell someone that I'm just not interested?
Zero Interest
Dear Zero,
Sounds like you've caught a nasty case of unrequited affections, also known as nerd love. We all find ourselves in this position at one point or another in our lives. A kind, well-meaning simpleton stumbles into our path and for some reason refuses to budge no matter how much we avoid eye contact or busy ourselves in the bottom of our purses. These determined little soldiers not only reject our disinterest but seem to just respond with lamer jokes, drier stories and more endless banter.
What's a sweet, classy girl to do? Unfortunately, subtleties don't work here honey. You can't tell a young pup like this that you just want to be friends; he'll show up at your front door next weekend with cookie dough, a lumbar roll and a stack of old Sassy magazines!
To these eager beavers a girlfriend is the most coveted out-of-reach goal a man can achieve. Offering yourself up as a girl friend is just going to whet his appetite for a deeper, more romantic relationship with the warmest body around; yours! Snagging his first girlfriend and taking his inaugural lap around the bases is probably more important to this kid than his grade point average.
No, a not-so-subtle-suitor such as this requires an even less subtle response. Be prepared to be firm, yet polite, when dealing with him. First of all, do not initiate contact. Looking interested, laughing at his jokes or seeking out his opinion will only bolster his ego and encourage him to continue loitering in your personal space until Christmas. Secondly, make it clear you would never date someone who was in any of your classes; you're very private and you have very strict guidelines about keeping school and home separate. Thirdly, never let him touch you. Hanging, clingy guys like this tend to give unsolicited massages or shoulder rubs. If he tries to touch you, scream at the top of your lungs and pretend he scared you. Insist that he frightened the crap out of you and make him promise to never do it again. Trust me, he'll get the message.
Now, just to wander off point here a little bit...I'm dying to figure out, how is it that you know you're not ever going to be interested in this guy? Could it be possible that he's actually a cute guy trapped in nerd's clothing? Could he be a diamond in the rough? Have you not seen Can't Buy Me Love? (Note to reader: if you are not familiar with this mind-blowing fantastic rom-com circa 1987, starring a pre-McDreamy tousled haired Patrick Dempsey please put down this paper immediately and hunt it down). What I'm saying is: without all the awkward, nerdy obvious defects, is there something smart, honest and mature about this guy? Usually at 21, your relationship locator is pretty much set to “HOT” with your pheromones leading you to the best looking stud you can get your hands on. Rarely do young hormones latch onto intelligence, responsibility and loyalty. Maybe what you see as nerd just needs a new POV.
Here's a story for you to ponder before I send you off to make your own decision:
Many years ago, I met a guy who barely caught my eye. He was bland. I was in a fierce drinking-dancing-giggling phase in my life and he was always so serious. I thought he was boring so I walked away. Years passed and I would see him again and again. Still in the same job, still in the same clothes, still BORING! I was spinning, crazy, spontaneous and frankly a bit of a spaz. He was monotone, he stood still, and he spoke in well-thought-out sentences. Not my type. Eventually, as I got older I started to see him differently though. Predictable became reliable, serious became honest, boring became loyal and eventually he became one of my favourite boyfriends.
Nerds are usually just wise, charming men, years ahead of their peers. Keep it in mind.
Dear Lola,
I'm so embarrassed to be writing about this, but I need a second opinion. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and we are sexually active in a monogamous relationship. The sex is good and we usually go at it about three times a week. The problem is, I want sex everyday. My boyfriend and I are both in school and we have part-time jobs too. He says three times is enough, but I'm dying! Am I some kind of sex addict? I thought all guys wanted sex everyday, is there something wrong with my boyfriend? HELP!
Sex Offender
Dear Offender,
Wow. Well, first of all, congratulations with being so in tune with your inner vixen! Most woman hit their sexual peak in their 40's, far out of reach of tasty, freshman studs. Kudos to you for striking while the iron is hot; too bad your boy toy is only lukewarm!
I think it's so sad that you're worried something is wrong with you. We're animals! We hunt, we gather, we feed, we mate...school and jobs are just decorations and distractions in this dance to consummate bliss! Of course, if you want to eventually feed from a paycheck and mate in a condo, you do have to pay the bills, but the basics are still the same. People need to be touched. Sure, you prefer the touching before foreplay that eventually leads up your skirt, but it's human contact all the same and I think it's fantastic!
Perhaps what your boyfriend is really feeling is an intimidating reversal of gender roles? Men are used to the chase; their testosterone-driven bodies are built to be the more sexually aggressive half of a relationship. Men are almost trained to expect a woman to feign a headache, come to bed in flannel or PMS one week each month; it's a challenge! Finding a purring kitten in his futon each night, might actually be threatening his sensitive male ego and leaving him worried about not meeting your high sexual expectations. Talk about performance anxiety!
If your need for heavy petting is actually hindering your boyfriend's ability to study, sleep or complete a meal, you may want to look at spending some private time working off your frustrations. Maybe airing the orchid? Lovin' your oven? I hope we're on the same page here. Sometimes a girl just needs to take the edge off by herself and let the boyfriend finish his Xbox game in peace.
Now, if you were to say that your guy wasn't interested at all, or was suddenly refusing your advances completely there could be something more going on here. Without jumping to conclusions that there's a bigger problem under the sheets, before you head to the bedroom always do a quick head-to-toe check-up of your lady parts, and be sure you're up to code. Get those things in order and most guys will saddle up to anything.
Happy Humping!
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
