Love Lola: A smelly situation

Dear Lola,
I'm dating this new guy who is super sweet! He's funny, my friends love him and so far he's been really nice to me. The problem is that he kind of smells. I honestly think he doesn't know either. He sort of smells like sweaty boy, but all the time! It seems like a ridiculous reason to stop dating someone; I've certainly had bigger problems in the past with other guys. I just don't know how to bring this up in a way that doesn't completely offend him.
HELP ME!
Odor Eater


Dear Eater,
Wow.
I have to say that your letter is a pretty sad snapshot of just how desperate young woman have become to avoid being single. Seriously, you're dating the smelly guy?

Remember in second grade, there was always a smelly kid in your class? Usually it was a boy (sorry guys), and the stench was always some putrid combo of Play-Doh, Doritos and boogers. This is what an eight year-old boy smells like. This is not what a MAN smells like!

You've got my pheromones in a twist now! College boys should smell like fabric softener, Dentyne Ice and maybe a hint of Jagermeister. No young woman should be subjecting herself to nose plugging and subtle hygiene hints just to keep some dirty guy hanging around her dorm room. According to some pretty serious studies, woman are actually turned on by the simple scents of baby powder, pumpkin pie and licorice (YUM!), I've never read about someone being aroused by the odor of blue cheese, sour milk and hockey equipment.

*sigh*

Clearly you've been able to look through the hazy stench to the boy beneath the BO and you actually like what you see buried there; a funny guy, who is in serious need of a tidy-up tutorial. Even though, it breaks my heart to picture you sanitizing this smelly cat, I will try to steer you in a direction that is both classy and clear.

First things first: assuming he isn't a stinky monkey 24/7 make sure to make it abundantly clear when he actually manages to smell good. Even if it's right out of the shower or first thing in the morning; be sure to mention a few times how good he smells. Ask him about what he's using; his soap, dryer sheets, deodorant, toothpaste; anything! Any time you can honestly say “yum, you smell awesome” do it!

Next, invite him to join you in your cleansing ritual. Whether you encourage him to join you in the shower or run a bubble bath for two and lather him up and be sure to reward him with a little special attention to his squeaky clean body. See, men are like children; positive reinforcement is your best weapon.

If these subtle moves don't spark an alteration to his aroma, you may want to start looking for a less offensive mate. A woman should never sacrifice her own comfort and happiness to hang onto to a boy. Sure he might pick up on your hints and see the big fat stinky elephant in the room, but I wouldn't hold your breath!

Dear Lola,
My best friend Troy and I have known each other since elementary school. We're from the same town, came to the same college and we know each other better than anyone. The thing is, Troy is a boy and I am a girl. Lately I've been getting a lot of grief from people, especially my boyfriend, that there's no way Troy and I are just friends. Sure, we fooled around a bit in high school, but I swear it's strictly platonic now. What do you think Lola, can a guy and a girl be just friends?
BFF


Dear BFF,
Your question is a classic issue that brings us to the earliest years of dating. A subject matter that probably goes back to caveman days when some loin-clothed kitten allowed a club-wielding neighbour to help her gather firewood, but later brushed it off to her Neanderthal boyfriend claiming that the two of them were just friends.

The problem with a man and a woman being platonic pals is the simple question of W.I.I.F.M. (What's in it for me)? I'm sorry to be Debby Downer over here, but people rarely do things in life that are 100 per cent selfless. Usually if you are committing to a friend, relationship, hobby or activity in your life it is benefitting you in some way.

Since a man's and a woman's body fit together like they were designed by some X-rated Lego mastermind, it's hard not to picture a twosome eventually ending up in a horizontal hustle if the situation ever presented itself. Meaning that one too many movie and mojito nights with your favourite pal could end up destroying your relationship.

You see, a single man's mind and body are naturally drawn to the nearest and most likely source of sexual satisfaction. Like a beacon for bimbos, his libido will guide him like a compass towards the closest available nest. Even if that bird is not his ideal choice for settling down long term, most guys will take a few loops around the coop just to let off some of that healthy, pent-up testosterone. This clearly explains beer goggles, walks of shame, one-night stands and that time my neighbour went home with his third cousin; sex is a powerful musk and as animals we're pulled toward it like oxygen.

Now to be fair, I need to point out that women are also hypnotically lured in by peaked interest from the opposite sex, but in most cases for very different, and sometimes more pathetic reasons. A woman is much more likely to use the closest available man to measure both the quality and value of her appearance, her intelligence and her general worthiness as a human being. Women are looking for a man who's willing to gracefully coddle their shaking confidence and give their weakened ego a stroke, while men are just looking for the stroke.

You see pumpkin, when people run into you with your Troy-Boy, what they really see is his desire to get in your pants and your desire to have a guy in your life that's had a crush on you since high school. He gets to claim his territory with every guy you date; he knows you better than anyone and he's out lived them all! While you get to slap every new boyfriend in the face with the reality that you are valued and loved by a boy who's waiting in the wings in case he screws up. Sure, its win-win for you guys, but what about your poor boyfriend?

He deserves a chance to get to know you in a fair game where he's not playing catch-up with your high school sweetheart, struggling to usurp the competition to eventually become your best friend.

Bottom line: if you've fooled around with this guy in the past, there's a strong possibility it will happen again. Once you've seen someone's sexy dance, they're much more likely to show it to you again and perhaps without warning.

I think it's sloppy to keep this guy around. It's like keeping a gift basket of forbidden fruit on your nightstand and daring yourself not to take one nibble before you go to sleep.

Make a choice; the high school hunk or the boyfriend? A happy, confident woman doesn't need a back-up.
Love Lola

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