Love Lola: Exes and Os
Dear Lola,
I am a dashing, good looking, career-focused, college-educated male. The trouble is, I can't find suitable females. I attend school, play on the varsity hoops teams etc. I am not gay, nor do I do drugs or get drunk frequently. I only seem to attract the following types: overweight, out of shape, emotionally needy, immature women. I have tried online dating, speed dating, and being set-up by friends. I don't know what else to do and I don't want to end up alone on New Year's Eve. Several of my friends are getting married and I feel the pressure to couple up. Help!
Desperately Seeking Someone
Dear Seeking,
Yeowza! I'm tempted to send you my number and call it a day. You paint a pretty attractive picture; like Snow White lying in the woods you're gorgeous, intelligent and available, just waiting for your future wife to rouse you with one tiny kiss and awaken the boyfriend buried within!
I have to admire your confidence. Dashing? You're like the little Prince Charming that could. You can't find a girl to give you a second glance, but you keep chugging along ‘I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…”
Look at you, already dreading attending a New Year's Eve fete without a date and it's only November! I appreciate a guy who takes the time to plan ahead, but no one needs to plan a disappointing, lonely evening in advance sweetie!
I understand that this stage in your life can be extra difficult for singletons. Your friends are pairing up and dropping off the social radar, leaving you with no choice but to join the other lonely boys at the pub this weekend. Like a wall of desperation, you can spot these groups a mile away. Over-dressed, over-Axed and way too eager to make eye contact with every girl who walks in the door. Usually a single girl will take a quick stroll past the wall of shame just to see if there are any new releases, but honestly we're usually just on our way to the bathroom to check our hair.
I understand that there's infinite pressure to grab a partner and not be the last one picked; forcing messy insecurities from grade school gym class to find their way to the surface. Except now you're not left standing alone holding a dodge ball, you're standing alone in a club full of drunk, lusting couples counting down the last seconds of 365 days of loneliness and kicking off another 12 months as Hans Solo. YIKES!
Picking a mate, a buddy, or a wife takes time, patience and honesty and usually requires you to take a strong, hard look at what you're putting out there. Good looking, charming, smart guys don't usually collect dust on a clearance shelf. They're usually scooped up back in high school, paired off with some brainy beauty and strapped with a mortgage and two kids by now.
So what is it? In my experience, when a guy struggles to hold the attention of a quality girl, he falls into one of three categories:
1. Inadequacy in bed
2. Too eager
3. Dull and boring
Any man that I've ever personally rejected or watched as he received his walking papers from a friend has fallen into one of these sections. So, let's take a closer look.
Inadequacy: this does not just refer to manning up and hitting the driving range. Seducing and satisfying a woman takes time and patience (those words again), it also takes skill. Kiss her slowly, hold her face, run your hands up her back, into her hair and let your fingers rest on the back of her neck…it's not rocket science boys. Attraction is rarely about chiseled abs or a college diploma; you need to create an atmosphere of desire, but be subtle. If you're too aggressive it will be misinterpreted as…
Too Eager: It's always nice to know when a guy thinks you're pretty; it's not nice however when you see it written on your Facebook wall by some guy you barely know from your English class. It's creepy. Even if you're nuts for a girl, you need to dial it down a bit so you don't scare the crap out of her. Rule of thumb; follow her lead. If she's writing on your wall, write on hers. If she sends you a text message, you can send her one. You don't have to wait for her to always make the first move, but if you send her 10 emails and get one response. It's time to dial it down.
Dull, boring or lifeless: it sounds simple, but sometimes this can be the most difficult category to overcome. There's a reason that most women rate ‘sense of humour' above or on par with looks when selecting a mate. Women want to be entertained. We want to laugh at your jokes, feel engaged in your stories and be moved by your goals and dreams. A boy who just wants to watch TV and lay on the couch might sound cozy, but you need to come to the table prepared to dazzle the other person with quirky stories and exciting anecdotes so you don't put her to sleep.
There are tremendous women out there just waiting for great guys, trust me. They're everywhere. But if you're giving off any weird vibes the good ones are going to stay away. Being cute and smart will not make up for being boring. Ever. Just pay closer attention to the image you're presenting and the right woman will find her way to you.
Dear Lola,
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about a year ago, but we're still great friends. We still text and hang out occasionally. This year I have a new boyfriend and now my ex is dating someone too. I think we should all be friends now, I even sent a friend request to his new girlfriend on Facebook. My best friend thinks I'm nuts to stay involved in this guy's life, but I think it's mature of us to have stayed friends. Is it wrong to try to get to know this new girlfriend?
Friends Forever
Dear Forever,
I'd love to support you in your quest for social maturity. I hear what you're saying about staying friends, getting to know his new girl and spending time together on cutesy double dates, but I just don't buy it. Sorry.
It just feels like you're trying to hold onto a piece of your ex by inserting yourself into his new life. If you actually become pals with this new girlfriend, you'll have the inside scoop on the little fights, broken promises and spats that are common in every relationship, but you'll be in a unique position to exploit these events for your own personal gain.
Are you familiar with the saying “Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer?”
In your case, it's like you want to keep your enemies wrapped up in a pretty package as your new best friend!
This whole Facebook thing is a disaster waiting to happen. If you're notified every time they write on each other's walls, soon you'll be flipping between profiles reading their ‘virtual' conversation, tracking their daily interactions. Before you know it you'll be up until 2 a.m., flipping through albums of their weekend getaway and over-commenting on every shot like some creepy voyeur.
There's a common misconception out there that I have to clear up: it is not healthy to be friends with your ex.
Is it healthy to stay friendly? Of course it is. No one needs bad blood, grudges or unresolved issues lying in their backyard. There's a line that needs to be drawn though between the meaning of friendly and the implication of friends.
Being friendly means that you keep in touch; you can chat in the grocery store or unintentionally attend the same party and not end up crying in the ladies room. Friendly is the absence of obligation with the comfort of familiarity. Friends on the other hand talk on the phone, send text messages and meet often for coffee or dinner. This type of relationship with an ex is a bad idea especially if you're both trying to move on and date other people. Friendship brings a type of closeness that should now be OFF LIMITS!
Trying to pull this girl in is just a subconscious and transparent way to spill over into another area of this guy's life. Sorry, but you're limited to friendly with this girl too. Be polite, be genuine, but don't be her 276th Facebook friend. I suggest getting your priorities together before your new boyfriend clues into your ulterior motives and you find yourself chasing down his new girlfriend too!
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
I am a dashing, good looking, career-focused, college-educated male. The trouble is, I can't find suitable females. I attend school, play on the varsity hoops teams etc. I am not gay, nor do I do drugs or get drunk frequently. I only seem to attract the following types: overweight, out of shape, emotionally needy, immature women. I have tried online dating, speed dating, and being set-up by friends. I don't know what else to do and I don't want to end up alone on New Year's Eve. Several of my friends are getting married and I feel the pressure to couple up. Help!
Desperately Seeking Someone
Dear Seeking,
Yeowza! I'm tempted to send you my number and call it a day. You paint a pretty attractive picture; like Snow White lying in the woods you're gorgeous, intelligent and available, just waiting for your future wife to rouse you with one tiny kiss and awaken the boyfriend buried within!
I have to admire your confidence. Dashing? You're like the little Prince Charming that could. You can't find a girl to give you a second glance, but you keep chugging along ‘I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…”
Look at you, already dreading attending a New Year's Eve fete without a date and it's only November! I appreciate a guy who takes the time to plan ahead, but no one needs to plan a disappointing, lonely evening in advance sweetie!
I understand that this stage in your life can be extra difficult for singletons. Your friends are pairing up and dropping off the social radar, leaving you with no choice but to join the other lonely boys at the pub this weekend. Like a wall of desperation, you can spot these groups a mile away. Over-dressed, over-Axed and way too eager to make eye contact with every girl who walks in the door. Usually a single girl will take a quick stroll past the wall of shame just to see if there are any new releases, but honestly we're usually just on our way to the bathroom to check our hair.
I understand that there's infinite pressure to grab a partner and not be the last one picked; forcing messy insecurities from grade school gym class to find their way to the surface. Except now you're not left standing alone holding a dodge ball, you're standing alone in a club full of drunk, lusting couples counting down the last seconds of 365 days of loneliness and kicking off another 12 months as Hans Solo. YIKES!
Picking a mate, a buddy, or a wife takes time, patience and honesty and usually requires you to take a strong, hard look at what you're putting out there. Good looking, charming, smart guys don't usually collect dust on a clearance shelf. They're usually scooped up back in high school, paired off with some brainy beauty and strapped with a mortgage and two kids by now.
So what is it? In my experience, when a guy struggles to hold the attention of a quality girl, he falls into one of three categories:
1. Inadequacy in bed
2. Too eager
3. Dull and boring
Any man that I've ever personally rejected or watched as he received his walking papers from a friend has fallen into one of these sections. So, let's take a closer look.
Inadequacy: this does not just refer to manning up and hitting the driving range. Seducing and satisfying a woman takes time and patience (those words again), it also takes skill. Kiss her slowly, hold her face, run your hands up her back, into her hair and let your fingers rest on the back of her neck…it's not rocket science boys. Attraction is rarely about chiseled abs or a college diploma; you need to create an atmosphere of desire, but be subtle. If you're too aggressive it will be misinterpreted as…
Too Eager: It's always nice to know when a guy thinks you're pretty; it's not nice however when you see it written on your Facebook wall by some guy you barely know from your English class. It's creepy. Even if you're nuts for a girl, you need to dial it down a bit so you don't scare the crap out of her. Rule of thumb; follow her lead. If she's writing on your wall, write on hers. If she sends you a text message, you can send her one. You don't have to wait for her to always make the first move, but if you send her 10 emails and get one response. It's time to dial it down.
Dull, boring or lifeless: it sounds simple, but sometimes this can be the most difficult category to overcome. There's a reason that most women rate ‘sense of humour' above or on par with looks when selecting a mate. Women want to be entertained. We want to laugh at your jokes, feel engaged in your stories and be moved by your goals and dreams. A boy who just wants to watch TV and lay on the couch might sound cozy, but you need to come to the table prepared to dazzle the other person with quirky stories and exciting anecdotes so you don't put her to sleep.
There are tremendous women out there just waiting for great guys, trust me. They're everywhere. But if you're giving off any weird vibes the good ones are going to stay away. Being cute and smart will not make up for being boring. Ever. Just pay closer attention to the image you're presenting and the right woman will find her way to you.
Dear Lola,
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about a year ago, but we're still great friends. We still text and hang out occasionally. This year I have a new boyfriend and now my ex is dating someone too. I think we should all be friends now, I even sent a friend request to his new girlfriend on Facebook. My best friend thinks I'm nuts to stay involved in this guy's life, but I think it's mature of us to have stayed friends. Is it wrong to try to get to know this new girlfriend?
Friends Forever
Dear Forever,
I'd love to support you in your quest for social maturity. I hear what you're saying about staying friends, getting to know his new girl and spending time together on cutesy double dates, but I just don't buy it. Sorry.
It just feels like you're trying to hold onto a piece of your ex by inserting yourself into his new life. If you actually become pals with this new girlfriend, you'll have the inside scoop on the little fights, broken promises and spats that are common in every relationship, but you'll be in a unique position to exploit these events for your own personal gain.
Are you familiar with the saying “Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer?”
In your case, it's like you want to keep your enemies wrapped up in a pretty package as your new best friend!
This whole Facebook thing is a disaster waiting to happen. If you're notified every time they write on each other's walls, soon you'll be flipping between profiles reading their ‘virtual' conversation, tracking their daily interactions. Before you know it you'll be up until 2 a.m., flipping through albums of their weekend getaway and over-commenting on every shot like some creepy voyeur.
There's a common misconception out there that I have to clear up: it is not healthy to be friends with your ex.
Is it healthy to stay friendly? Of course it is. No one needs bad blood, grudges or unresolved issues lying in their backyard. There's a line that needs to be drawn though between the meaning of friendly and the implication of friends.
Being friendly means that you keep in touch; you can chat in the grocery store or unintentionally attend the same party and not end up crying in the ladies room. Friendly is the absence of obligation with the comfort of familiarity. Friends on the other hand talk on the phone, send text messages and meet often for coffee or dinner. This type of relationship with an ex is a bad idea especially if you're both trying to move on and date other people. Friendship brings a type of closeness that should now be OFF LIMITS!
Trying to pull this girl in is just a subconscious and transparent way to spill over into another area of this guy's life. Sorry, but you're limited to friendly with this girl too. Be polite, be genuine, but don't be her 276th Facebook friend. I suggest getting your priorities together before your new boyfriend clues into your ulterior motives and you find yourself chasing down his new girlfriend too!
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
