Ms. Guidance: Roommate troubles? Ms. Guidance has the answers!
Dear Ms. Guidance,
It has been months since school started and my roommate is yet to say more than a few words to me. She is never home when I am awake and willing to discuss anything with her. When she is around I try not to be too loud or get in her way because I am worried that it would bother her and I don't know anything about her. Aside from being a little noisy when she gets in late at night, she is an okay roommate and does her dishes, but I never see her. Living with her is a so uncomfortable but I still have several months left of it. What should I do?
~Habitating with a Hermit
Unfortunately, most student housing situations throw people who don't know one another together and expect them to peacefully live out the entire eight- or 12-month lease. If only life were that perfect! In actuality, personalities clash, tempers flare and some people are just plain impossible to live with. That said, it sounds like your situation isn't as bad as it could be. Bridging the communication gap is possible, though it may be unnecessarily rocking the boat. You seem to be operating under the misconception that a roommate is a friend. Though it can happen that roommates become BFF's, bridesmaids at one another's weddings and life-long friends who grow old together, it is by no means a requirement, nor is it the norm. (You may note that housing applications tend not to include a “Check box if you are seeking a very bestest best friend” portion) In fact, you are pretty damned lucky that you and your roomie aren't tearing one another's hair out at this point. Your clean and relatively quiet roommate is an absolute blessing and your burning desire to talk to her seems like a desperate attempt at thwarting your own loneliness. If this gal wanted to be chummy she would have been so by now. It's time to let it go and look elsewhere for companionship. Also, quit walking on eggshells around her. When she is home, keep doing whatever you want and if she has a problem with it, she can tell you about it. If I were you I would just be thanking my lucky stars that she doesn't come home at night insisting on pyjama clad gab sessions about all the cutest boys on the floor, co-operative nail painting, or sleeping in your room. You seemed to have fared better than most with random coupling than most do with carefully selected roommates; don't try to ruin it with forced friendship.
Dear Ms.Guidance,
I live at home with my parents to save money while I am going to college. Things are going pretty well except that my dead-beat brother also lives at home but does nothing. He is 27 years old, not in school, not working, not paying rent, not helping around the house, and not doing anything but eating, sleeping, watching television and getting in my way. He only showers like, once a week because he doesn't like to stand for that long. He isn't even ambitious enough to play video games or play on the internet. It is absolutely starting to piss me off that he gets a free ride doing nothing while I am in school and working very hard. My parents don't seem to say anything to him. How can I make them see that they are not helping him and that he is a loser who needs to get a life and get out of the house?
~No Brotherly Love
Is it possible that your brother has a psychological problem? Not that it excuses his behaviour, but if he is suffering from depression it is important that it be addressed. No one can change unless they want to, and no one will want to unless they know they have a problem. Suggesting to your parents that your brother be tested for depression may be a drastic measure, though perhaps not a mislead one. Whether your brother is suffering a mental disorder or not, however, I think it is imperative that you explain to your parents that they are not helping him by housing him. They are merely enabling his behaviour. This is not to say that they should pack his things into garbage bags, throw them on the front lawn, hand him a ten-spot and point him the direction of the nearest bus station. On the contrary, both you and your parents need to be understanding and nurturing toward your brother if you are going to affect any change in him. He has presumably been living this lifestyle since he was born and so coming to your parents with, “But Jimmy doesn't have to do anything,” is probably not going to change the situation. All of their minds need to be changed with an exacting and effective plan to get your brother on his own two feet or, at the very least, into the shower at least every other day. Even if your parents do not help you, maybe you could sit down with your brother and explain to him how his actions are buying him a one-way ticket to nowhere. You could try sharing some of your passions and hobbies with him. Take him out to a gallery, or sports event, or concert to get him out of the house and interested in something other than couching, remote fondling and television. But do remember that this is your problem, not your brothers and not your parents. Though admittedly your brother's lifestyle is lacking in responsibility, motivation or even movement, it is not as if it is unlawful for him to be living in this way. Beyond its extreme disparity from the social norm, your brother's way of living is not really hurting anybody and if your parents are allowing it in their home, then you are just going to have to suck it up, buttercup because it is their names on the deed, not yours.
Dear Ms.Guidance,
I have been dating the same guy for three years. I have recently returned to school and plan on being a teacher when all is said and done. He works at a music store for just over minimum wage and does not plan on attending school and would be content working at the music store for the rest of his days; I couldn't care less either. The problem is my parents. They feel that he is not good enough for me and would be a terrible husband and provider. They feel he is nice enough but are put off by his potential earnings, or lack thereof. We are planning on getting married once I am done my undergrad, if not sooner but I am really worried about what my parents will say or do. Help me Ms. Guidance!
~ Purse Preoccupied Parents
Eff that! It may be true that love will not pay the rent, but love is all you need. Your parents aren't expecting some sort of dowry or advancement in social status in return for your hand in marriage, are they? It's like you are living out a bad Jane Austen novel! I think that you should tell your parents, as politely as possible, to take that outdated, classist, bourgeoisie attitude and shove it.
Need to be Ms.Guided? Email any and all questions to ms.guidance@gmail.com
It has been months since school started and my roommate is yet to say more than a few words to me. She is never home when I am awake and willing to discuss anything with her. When she is around I try not to be too loud or get in her way because I am worried that it would bother her and I don't know anything about her. Aside from being a little noisy when she gets in late at night, she is an okay roommate and does her dishes, but I never see her. Living with her is a so uncomfortable but I still have several months left of it. What should I do?
~Habitating with a Hermit
Unfortunately, most student housing situations throw people who don't know one another together and expect them to peacefully live out the entire eight- or 12-month lease. If only life were that perfect! In actuality, personalities clash, tempers flare and some people are just plain impossible to live with. That said, it sounds like your situation isn't as bad as it could be. Bridging the communication gap is possible, though it may be unnecessarily rocking the boat. You seem to be operating under the misconception that a roommate is a friend. Though it can happen that roommates become BFF's, bridesmaids at one another's weddings and life-long friends who grow old together, it is by no means a requirement, nor is it the norm. (You may note that housing applications tend not to include a “Check box if you are seeking a very bestest best friend” portion) In fact, you are pretty damned lucky that you and your roomie aren't tearing one another's hair out at this point. Your clean and relatively quiet roommate is an absolute blessing and your burning desire to talk to her seems like a desperate attempt at thwarting your own loneliness. If this gal wanted to be chummy she would have been so by now. It's time to let it go and look elsewhere for companionship. Also, quit walking on eggshells around her. When she is home, keep doing whatever you want and if she has a problem with it, she can tell you about it. If I were you I would just be thanking my lucky stars that she doesn't come home at night insisting on pyjama clad gab sessions about all the cutest boys on the floor, co-operative nail painting, or sleeping in your room. You seemed to have fared better than most with random coupling than most do with carefully selected roommates; don't try to ruin it with forced friendship.
Dear Ms.Guidance,
I live at home with my parents to save money while I am going to college. Things are going pretty well except that my dead-beat brother also lives at home but does nothing. He is 27 years old, not in school, not working, not paying rent, not helping around the house, and not doing anything but eating, sleeping, watching television and getting in my way. He only showers like, once a week because he doesn't like to stand for that long. He isn't even ambitious enough to play video games or play on the internet. It is absolutely starting to piss me off that he gets a free ride doing nothing while I am in school and working very hard. My parents don't seem to say anything to him. How can I make them see that they are not helping him and that he is a loser who needs to get a life and get out of the house?
~No Brotherly Love
Is it possible that your brother has a psychological problem? Not that it excuses his behaviour, but if he is suffering from depression it is important that it be addressed. No one can change unless they want to, and no one will want to unless they know they have a problem. Suggesting to your parents that your brother be tested for depression may be a drastic measure, though perhaps not a mislead one. Whether your brother is suffering a mental disorder or not, however, I think it is imperative that you explain to your parents that they are not helping him by housing him. They are merely enabling his behaviour. This is not to say that they should pack his things into garbage bags, throw them on the front lawn, hand him a ten-spot and point him the direction of the nearest bus station. On the contrary, both you and your parents need to be understanding and nurturing toward your brother if you are going to affect any change in him. He has presumably been living this lifestyle since he was born and so coming to your parents with, “But Jimmy doesn't have to do anything,” is probably not going to change the situation. All of their minds need to be changed with an exacting and effective plan to get your brother on his own two feet or, at the very least, into the shower at least every other day. Even if your parents do not help you, maybe you could sit down with your brother and explain to him how his actions are buying him a one-way ticket to nowhere. You could try sharing some of your passions and hobbies with him. Take him out to a gallery, or sports event, or concert to get him out of the house and interested in something other than couching, remote fondling and television. But do remember that this is your problem, not your brothers and not your parents. Though admittedly your brother's lifestyle is lacking in responsibility, motivation or even movement, it is not as if it is unlawful for him to be living in this way. Beyond its extreme disparity from the social norm, your brother's way of living is not really hurting anybody and if your parents are allowing it in their home, then you are just going to have to suck it up, buttercup because it is their names on the deed, not yours.
Dear Ms.Guidance,
I have been dating the same guy for three years. I have recently returned to school and plan on being a teacher when all is said and done. He works at a music store for just over minimum wage and does not plan on attending school and would be content working at the music store for the rest of his days; I couldn't care less either. The problem is my parents. They feel that he is not good enough for me and would be a terrible husband and provider. They feel he is nice enough but are put off by his potential earnings, or lack thereof. We are planning on getting married once I am done my undergrad, if not sooner but I am really worried about what my parents will say or do. Help me Ms. Guidance!
~ Purse Preoccupied Parents
Eff that! It may be true that love will not pay the rent, but love is all you need. Your parents aren't expecting some sort of dowry or advancement in social status in return for your hand in marriage, are they? It's like you are living out a bad Jane Austen novel! I think that you should tell your parents, as politely as possible, to take that outdated, classist, bourgeoisie attitude and shove it.
Need to be Ms.Guided? Email any and all questions to ms.guidance@gmail.com
