Love Lola: Strollers, older bro and oral fixations
Dear Lola,
My best friend recently found out that she's pregnant and she's decided to keep the baby. The baby's father is some guy from her work that she dated for a few months before Christmas, but they're not dating anymore. I'm in my second year of school and I'm graduating in April. I'm trying to be supportive, but I feel like we're living in different worlds now. I'm getting ready to find a job and she's looking at strollers. Can our friendship survive this?
Baby Bummer
Dear Bummer,
First of all, let me say congratulations to your friend! Having a baby is a frightening, overwhelming experience for every woman, married or single. Your friend has made the choice that is best for her and that takes courage. I'm sure she's aware of everything she is giving up or putting on hold to welcome this child into her life. Too bad her ‘best friend' isn't being a tad more supportive.
It's startling to hear how completely disconnected you feel from your friend's experience. Other than those saving themselves for marriage, every girl is just a broken condom or a missed pill away from facing this exact same situation. The fact is that when you invite a man into your bed, you're also inviting the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy.
So your friend has chosen a new direction that's different than yours; that certainly doesn't mean you can't be friends anymore! You should be proud of your friend. Regardless of how she's gotten herself into this situation, she's ready to tackle the responsibility of being a parent.
I'm sure she's terrified and confused, but I bet she's also pretty excited! It would be pretty fantastic for her to have a ‘best' friend who was excited too! You should be over at her house right now with chocolate ice cream and a baby name book.
This spring you'll both be graduating to a new stage in you life and entering the ‘real world,' how nice that you can do it together.
Good Luck
Dear Lola,
I'm in my fourth year in university and I still live at home. I'm paying for school myself and my parents agreed that I could live at home until I'm done school. They remind me all the time though how much they're ‘helping me' and give me extra chores to ‘earn my keep.' My problem is, my older brother is 25 and he lives at home too, but he doesn't work or go to school and no one seems to care. There's a double standard in my own family that makes me want to scream! How can I make my parents see how unfair this is?
Cinderella Girl
Dear Cinderella,
Well, at least give yourself a pat on the back for doing things the right way. You're paying for school, keeping loans to a minimum and tolerating your parents for an extra four years. Way to go!
Unfortunately, it's hard to enjoy your success when your mooching brother is blocking your spotlight. No job or school? I'm picturing him in flannel PJs with a Wii remote tucked in his robe pocket. At 25 years old, some men have started a career, taken a wife, purchased a home and started a family. It sounds like your brother would need assistance heating a Pizza Pop!
Perhaps he's suffering from some type of depression or paralyzing insecurity that hinders his ability to function, but he's not our problem right now. It sounds to me like your parents need a fresh perspective on the situation.
Personally, I'm a big fan of the ‘family meeting;' in this case I'd wait until Big Brother is busy at his weekly laser tag tournament to approach mom and dad with your concerns. Prepare in advance; your folks are likely to be caught off guard and react defensively. You'll need to arm yourself with specific examples and concerns. “You love Tommy more, it's not fair” is not a strong argument. “I should have fewer chores than Tommy since I'm in school all day” sounds much nicer.
If you hit a brick wall, you may just have to resign yourself to your second fiddle status and accept that your Golden Boy brother has your knucklehead parents wrapped around his finger.
At least you're building your tolerance and patience; two skills that are invaluable in the work place!
Good Luck
Dear Lola,
My boyfriend is super sweet; he's romantic, charming and kind. He's probably the best guy I've ever dated; all of my friends think he's incredible. My problem is a bit embarrassing so that's why I'm writing to you. When my boyfriend and I make out, he refuses to perform oral sex. I'd hate to think this could be my deal breaker, but his refusal and apparent disgust over the act worries me. It doesn't seem to bother him if I do it though. Is this normal?
Signed,
Orally Fixated
Dear Fixated,
So, I started this letter twice, and I've decided to print the second version. At first, I tried to imagine a number of justified reasons why your lover is hesitant to reciprocate your oral favours. I try to consider his point of view or perhaps even create a reasonable excuse from his past that could be resulting in his hesitance to please you. In the end though, I have to just answer from my gut and tell you flat out; sweetie, this is weird.
I hate to lump the entire male gender into a horny pile of burning testosterone, but it's hard to deny the way that men are hard wired to respond to sex. Basically, if a man is sexually active, his programming seems set to ‘yum, yum, more please' 24 hours a day. The more adventurous and flexible a girl is, the happier a boy tends to be in returning every favour.
Aside from that, in discussions with many of my favourite men, I've found that most guys are incredibly eager for this particular act. So if you're wondering if your boyfriend is ‘normal' in the sense of how he compares to the average ‘norm,' then honestly I don't believe he is.
Let me for a moment play devil's advocate and suggest that there's always a possibility that he's a tad self-conscious about his abilities to satisfy you in this way and his reluctance to participate is simply a way of protecting himself from a dud performance.
Try bringing it up to him in a way that isn't intimidating; no ultimatums or crushing hits to his sensitive ego. Simply tell him how wild it would make you to feel his mouth on your skin and wait patiently for his reaction; you'll either get a valid reason or perhaps a small step towards some action. Just be sure to encourage him by showing him how much you're really enjoying it!
Good Luck!
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
My best friend recently found out that she's pregnant and she's decided to keep the baby. The baby's father is some guy from her work that she dated for a few months before Christmas, but they're not dating anymore. I'm in my second year of school and I'm graduating in April. I'm trying to be supportive, but I feel like we're living in different worlds now. I'm getting ready to find a job and she's looking at strollers. Can our friendship survive this?
Baby Bummer
Dear Bummer,
First of all, let me say congratulations to your friend! Having a baby is a frightening, overwhelming experience for every woman, married or single. Your friend has made the choice that is best for her and that takes courage. I'm sure she's aware of everything she is giving up or putting on hold to welcome this child into her life. Too bad her ‘best friend' isn't being a tad more supportive.
It's startling to hear how completely disconnected you feel from your friend's experience. Other than those saving themselves for marriage, every girl is just a broken condom or a missed pill away from facing this exact same situation. The fact is that when you invite a man into your bed, you're also inviting the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy.
So your friend has chosen a new direction that's different than yours; that certainly doesn't mean you can't be friends anymore! You should be proud of your friend. Regardless of how she's gotten herself into this situation, she's ready to tackle the responsibility of being a parent.
I'm sure she's terrified and confused, but I bet she's also pretty excited! It would be pretty fantastic for her to have a ‘best' friend who was excited too! You should be over at her house right now with chocolate ice cream and a baby name book.
This spring you'll both be graduating to a new stage in you life and entering the ‘real world,' how nice that you can do it together.
Good Luck
Dear Lola,
I'm in my fourth year in university and I still live at home. I'm paying for school myself and my parents agreed that I could live at home until I'm done school. They remind me all the time though how much they're ‘helping me' and give me extra chores to ‘earn my keep.' My problem is, my older brother is 25 and he lives at home too, but he doesn't work or go to school and no one seems to care. There's a double standard in my own family that makes me want to scream! How can I make my parents see how unfair this is?
Cinderella Girl
Dear Cinderella,
Well, at least give yourself a pat on the back for doing things the right way. You're paying for school, keeping loans to a minimum and tolerating your parents for an extra four years. Way to go!
Unfortunately, it's hard to enjoy your success when your mooching brother is blocking your spotlight. No job or school? I'm picturing him in flannel PJs with a Wii remote tucked in his robe pocket. At 25 years old, some men have started a career, taken a wife, purchased a home and started a family. It sounds like your brother would need assistance heating a Pizza Pop!
Perhaps he's suffering from some type of depression or paralyzing insecurity that hinders his ability to function, but he's not our problem right now. It sounds to me like your parents need a fresh perspective on the situation.
Personally, I'm a big fan of the ‘family meeting;' in this case I'd wait until Big Brother is busy at his weekly laser tag tournament to approach mom and dad with your concerns. Prepare in advance; your folks are likely to be caught off guard and react defensively. You'll need to arm yourself with specific examples and concerns. “You love Tommy more, it's not fair” is not a strong argument. “I should have fewer chores than Tommy since I'm in school all day” sounds much nicer.
If you hit a brick wall, you may just have to resign yourself to your second fiddle status and accept that your Golden Boy brother has your knucklehead parents wrapped around his finger.
At least you're building your tolerance and patience; two skills that are invaluable in the work place!
Good Luck
Dear Lola,
My boyfriend is super sweet; he's romantic, charming and kind. He's probably the best guy I've ever dated; all of my friends think he's incredible. My problem is a bit embarrassing so that's why I'm writing to you. When my boyfriend and I make out, he refuses to perform oral sex. I'd hate to think this could be my deal breaker, but his refusal and apparent disgust over the act worries me. It doesn't seem to bother him if I do it though. Is this normal?
Signed,
Orally Fixated
Dear Fixated,
So, I started this letter twice, and I've decided to print the second version. At first, I tried to imagine a number of justified reasons why your lover is hesitant to reciprocate your oral favours. I try to consider his point of view or perhaps even create a reasonable excuse from his past that could be resulting in his hesitance to please you. In the end though, I have to just answer from my gut and tell you flat out; sweetie, this is weird.
I hate to lump the entire male gender into a horny pile of burning testosterone, but it's hard to deny the way that men are hard wired to respond to sex. Basically, if a man is sexually active, his programming seems set to ‘yum, yum, more please' 24 hours a day. The more adventurous and flexible a girl is, the happier a boy tends to be in returning every favour.
Aside from that, in discussions with many of my favourite men, I've found that most guys are incredibly eager for this particular act. So if you're wondering if your boyfriend is ‘normal' in the sense of how he compares to the average ‘norm,' then honestly I don't believe he is.
Let me for a moment play devil's advocate and suggest that there's always a possibility that he's a tad self-conscious about his abilities to satisfy you in this way and his reluctance to participate is simply a way of protecting himself from a dud performance.
Try bringing it up to him in a way that isn't intimidating; no ultimatums or crushing hits to his sensitive ego. Simply tell him how wild it would make you to feel his mouth on your skin and wait patiently for his reaction; you'll either get a valid reason or perhaps a small step towards some action. Just be sure to encourage him by showing him how much you're really enjoying it!
Good Luck!
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
