Move over Sean Connery, another suave Scotsman has been crowned as Sexiest Man Alive. Fat Bastard, a star in the Austin Powers trilogy has been recognized by women world wide for his hairy, breasty, and nipply good looks.

Telephoning Fat Bastard at his Loch Ness estate, the confident Scotsman is quick to point out when answering his phone that “I'm dead sexy! And if you want some, come get some.”

An immensely obese (weighing in at a metric ton) henchman, Fat Bastard has a way with women that legendary Don Juan could only dream he had, and that's the ability to charm his way into women's hearts.

“I really think Fat Bastard's long flowing locks trailing, not just from his scalp, but from his shoulders, chest, and back is just sooo sexy,” said Juanita Cyprian. “It really says a lot about the man that he is proud to remain as hairy as ever, and the confidence adds an extra layer of sexiness. There is also nothing like squeezing a set of male breasts, and he has all those extra nipples, imagine the biting and sucking possibilities.”

An online Pussycat survey seems to concur with the selection of Fat Bastard as Sexiest Man Alive, suggesting that when it comes to the ultimate hook-up, women would ditch the movie-star good looks in favour of men like Fat Bastard and those of his ilk:
• 3 per cent of respondents favoured a slightly muscular build, 87 per cent said they found love handles sexy
•  Chest and back hair is a turn-on according to 93 per cent, but seven per cent said it did little for them
•  Metrosexuals are definitely out, and rough around the edges rule the day (79 per cent)
•  There was a near-split between those who liked their men just a little bit country (52 per cent) and a little bit rock and roll (48 per cent)

“We were curious and wanted to know what women were looking for when man-shopping,” said Victoria Zarre, Pussycat's online Editor-In-Chief. “We were in for a big surprise. This survey shows that the guy who's most attractive to our readers is not your average Hollywood hunk or latest musical sensation. In fact, it's the average Joe who came up on top. Women are practical about their choices, and they're smart.”

“I'm still in disbelief over the honour,” said Fat Bastard. “It really should have happened sooner. Is there anyone sexier than I. Get in my belly and let's have some fun.”

Fat Bastard beat out such notables as Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Jude Law, Jesse Metcalfe, Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal, Usher, Colin Farrell, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis and Johnny Depp for the coveted honour.

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.