Love Lola: To shack up or not, European dreaming, and dealing with depression
Dear Lola,
My girlfriend is pushing for us to get an apartment together over the summer and then into school next year. I'm not convinced this is a good idea. I like my space, and I like to be by myself sometimes. I always thought that moving in together was the last step before marriage and I'm really not thinking about that yet. Does that sound stupid? My buddies are all shacking up with their girlfriends, but I really care about this girl and don't want to rush things and have it blow up in my face.
Old Fashioned Man
Dear Old Fashioned,
There are many things that were at one time considered the height of class and prestige when selecting a mate; debutant balls, Ivy League education and of course, abstinence before marriage. Though some items and events have faded from pop culture or been chased out by feminist bra-burners, a few nuggets of respectful, wisdom still remain acceptable and attractive to those seeking a companion. I like to think of guys like you as ‘classic' rather than old-fashioned. Living together has become the modern equivalent of “going steady.” Rather than representing a serious step towards home ownership and marital bliss, it's now a Facebook-ready status symbol that's basically used to signal that you're taken. For now.
I'm going to make a brash assumption that you haven't been holding your virginity hostage for all these years, but you are guided by a present, if not sluggish, moral compass that is urging you to be selective and responsible when choosing a roommate this year. What do I say? Listen to the little voice that's telling you to slowly back away from this situation.
The biggest mistake young folks make when choosing to sign away a year of their lives on a rental agreement is making the choice based on money or convenience. People get so giddy about saving a few bucks or getting laid every night that they gloss over the dirty, sad reality of waking up next to the same person every morning. Oh, and don't fool yourself; no one gets laid every night!
In your case, you have the added barrier of an honest moral and ethical dilemma that's holding you back from taking this plunge into co-habitual chaos. It's so refreshing to hear from someone who is thinking ahead, to his future wife and family and trying to make decisions that won't screw it all up. Trust your gut; let your buddies rack up roomies like notches on a bedpost. When you finally do decide to settle down, you'll be in it for life.
Good Luck.
Dear Lola,
My boyfriend thinks we should go backpacking through Europe for a month this summer. Financially I can't do it. I need to work to pay my bills and cover school next year. He's being stubborn to the point where he's hinted that he might ditch me for the summer to go sow some wild European-oats. I know, he's probably not worth my time if that's the way he feels, but I think this is just a stupid boy tantrum tactic to get his own way. Any ideas on how I should handle it?
Grounded in Canada
Dear Grounded,
Honestly, I'd let him go. I'd encourage him actually. Either he'll come back refreshed from a great vacation or return reeking of cheap German cologne and carrying a potent cross-continental venereal disease. Either way, I certainly do not suggest that you be anywhere near baggage claims or waiting to pick him up with balloons and a “Welcome Home” sign. Don't greet him, don't email him, don't text him. If he leaves in a huff, or a flurry of veiled threats about hostel hook-ups PLEASE ditch him before he boards that plane to Loserville.
Good boyfriends don't threaten to cheat and real men don't throw tantrums.
Please, spend your summer making some dough and find yourself a new boyfriend.
Good Luck.
Dear Lola,
I'm embarrassed to even be writing this letter, but I can't ask any of my friends. I've been dating this guy for about six months. Things between us are great; he's very honest and respectful and treats me very well. The problem is, recently, he's begun to take anti-depressants and his doctor believes that he is suffering from major depression. I guess this is something that runs in his family. He's so sweet to me, but I'm worried about getting too involved with this. What's the best way to handle this?
Crossroads
Dear Crossroads,
It takes guts to admit that you're uncomfortable dealing with other people's problems. It may sound selfish, but I think you're right to hesitate before jumping in for the long haul if you're not ready to handle the responsibility. Depression is very common and comes in many forms. Your boyfriend could be suffering from an anxiety disorder, panic attacks or possibly something as serious as bipolar. Only time will be able to determine the extent of his mood disorder and only his doctor can assist him in finding treatment through medication and counselling. The limitations and questions surrounding someone's depression can be frustrating to both the patient, and the family and friends who try to support them.
Aside from the medical treatments or questionable longevity of your boyfriend's depression, you may also need to consider his symptoms. Men and women handle depression in very different ways. While women are more emotional (crying, yelling etc.), men are more active and are more likely to show symptoms through anger, promiscuity and self-medicating with drugs and alcohol.
You're right to want to consider these cautions when you're only six months into a relationship with this guy. It may sound selfish, and truthfully it kind of is, but sometimes you need to put yourself first. If you don't think that you're cut out to handle this guy's needs, then you both may be better off if you walk away sooner rather than later.
He deserves someone who can support and encourage him. And so do you.
Good Luck.
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
My girlfriend is pushing for us to get an apartment together over the summer and then into school next year. I'm not convinced this is a good idea. I like my space, and I like to be by myself sometimes. I always thought that moving in together was the last step before marriage and I'm really not thinking about that yet. Does that sound stupid? My buddies are all shacking up with their girlfriends, but I really care about this girl and don't want to rush things and have it blow up in my face.
Old Fashioned Man
Dear Old Fashioned,
There are many things that were at one time considered the height of class and prestige when selecting a mate; debutant balls, Ivy League education and of course, abstinence before marriage. Though some items and events have faded from pop culture or been chased out by feminist bra-burners, a few nuggets of respectful, wisdom still remain acceptable and attractive to those seeking a companion. I like to think of guys like you as ‘classic' rather than old-fashioned. Living together has become the modern equivalent of “going steady.” Rather than representing a serious step towards home ownership and marital bliss, it's now a Facebook-ready status symbol that's basically used to signal that you're taken. For now.
I'm going to make a brash assumption that you haven't been holding your virginity hostage for all these years, but you are guided by a present, if not sluggish, moral compass that is urging you to be selective and responsible when choosing a roommate this year. What do I say? Listen to the little voice that's telling you to slowly back away from this situation.
The biggest mistake young folks make when choosing to sign away a year of their lives on a rental agreement is making the choice based on money or convenience. People get so giddy about saving a few bucks or getting laid every night that they gloss over the dirty, sad reality of waking up next to the same person every morning. Oh, and don't fool yourself; no one gets laid every night!
In your case, you have the added barrier of an honest moral and ethical dilemma that's holding you back from taking this plunge into co-habitual chaos. It's so refreshing to hear from someone who is thinking ahead, to his future wife and family and trying to make decisions that won't screw it all up. Trust your gut; let your buddies rack up roomies like notches on a bedpost. When you finally do decide to settle down, you'll be in it for life.
Good Luck.
Dear Lola,
My boyfriend thinks we should go backpacking through Europe for a month this summer. Financially I can't do it. I need to work to pay my bills and cover school next year. He's being stubborn to the point where he's hinted that he might ditch me for the summer to go sow some wild European-oats. I know, he's probably not worth my time if that's the way he feels, but I think this is just a stupid boy tantrum tactic to get his own way. Any ideas on how I should handle it?
Grounded in Canada
Dear Grounded,
Honestly, I'd let him go. I'd encourage him actually. Either he'll come back refreshed from a great vacation or return reeking of cheap German cologne and carrying a potent cross-continental venereal disease. Either way, I certainly do not suggest that you be anywhere near baggage claims or waiting to pick him up with balloons and a “Welcome Home” sign. Don't greet him, don't email him, don't text him. If he leaves in a huff, or a flurry of veiled threats about hostel hook-ups PLEASE ditch him before he boards that plane to Loserville.
Good boyfriends don't threaten to cheat and real men don't throw tantrums.
Please, spend your summer making some dough and find yourself a new boyfriend.
Good Luck.
Dear Lola,
I'm embarrassed to even be writing this letter, but I can't ask any of my friends. I've been dating this guy for about six months. Things between us are great; he's very honest and respectful and treats me very well. The problem is, recently, he's begun to take anti-depressants and his doctor believes that he is suffering from major depression. I guess this is something that runs in his family. He's so sweet to me, but I'm worried about getting too involved with this. What's the best way to handle this?
Crossroads
Dear Crossroads,
It takes guts to admit that you're uncomfortable dealing with other people's problems. It may sound selfish, but I think you're right to hesitate before jumping in for the long haul if you're not ready to handle the responsibility. Depression is very common and comes in many forms. Your boyfriend could be suffering from an anxiety disorder, panic attacks or possibly something as serious as bipolar. Only time will be able to determine the extent of his mood disorder and only his doctor can assist him in finding treatment through medication and counselling. The limitations and questions surrounding someone's depression can be frustrating to both the patient, and the family and friends who try to support them.
Aside from the medical treatments or questionable longevity of your boyfriend's depression, you may also need to consider his symptoms. Men and women handle depression in very different ways. While women are more emotional (crying, yelling etc.), men are more active and are more likely to show symptoms through anger, promiscuity and self-medicating with drugs and alcohol.
You're right to want to consider these cautions when you're only six months into a relationship with this guy. It may sound selfish, and truthfully it kind of is, but sometimes you need to put yourself first. If you don't think that you're cut out to handle this guy's needs, then you both may be better off if you walk away sooner rather than later.
He deserves someone who can support and encourage him. And so do you.
Good Luck.
Love Lola
Got a question? Email me at lolaletters@live.ca - All emails are confidential and your identity will be protected. If you're not comfortable sending me an email, just click on the Letters to Lola link on the left side menu to send me your question.
