2006: time to toss the celebrity trash
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes — I've always disliked Tom Cruise, and that disdain became mammoth when he bounced like an idiot on Oprah's couch. Hey, good for you Tom, you're boinking Katie Holmes — but stop making an ass of yourself. Apparently though Mission Impossible III happened when Cruise impregnated Holmes. Who knew he was fertile? But I have a theory, especially since the couple bought ultrasound equipment to monitor the growth of the child. I think through the Church of Scientology Katie became pregnant, and that the actual father is an alien sent from beyond by L. Ron Hubbard. The ultrasound equipment is to make sure the baby doesn't have an alien shaped head, but they are hoping the child has big eyes. Let's hope aliens take the three of you in a space ship to a better place.
Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong — Enough already. Did Lance dope or didn't he? I don't care, but at times I'd wish he'd ride his bike off of a cliff so I wouldn't have to hear his name in the news so much. And now that he has impending nuptials with Crow I can't seem to get away from these two, and I can't see it subsiding in the near future. When Crow sings of rolling thunder I'm left thinking where's the lightning and why is it not striking you two down.
Bono — It's time someone gave Bono and other celebrities a good old finger waggle. Yes it's nice you're trying to help the plight of Africa, but sending money hand over fist isn't the solution because if it were, the problem would have been solved. Instead, I suggest Bono and other do-gooders should encourage African nations to change the way they are governed. Sending aid to dictators, whether in the way of food or money, isn't a good idea. The money finds its way to Swiss bank accounts, and the food to the military that is suppressing the people into poverty. Africa needs to become self sufficient, build its own economy and stop relying on handouts. Free trade and investment, along with regime changes would do wonders for Africa. So Bono, stop asking the world for larger handouts and start working to help change Africa for the better.
Paul McCartney — Let's hope that you actually follow through on your threat to go to Labrador to protest the annual seal hunt. Here's hoping you get mistaken for a seal pup in a blinding snow storm and get clubbed over the head a few times.
Kevin Federline — Please, no one buy this guy's impending rap CD. Has this guy done anything other than impregnate women and ride on their coattails?
And here's a few others that we could do well to kick to the curb for good….Fiddy Cent, G-Unit, Lindsay Lohan, Nick Lachey, Jessica Simpson, Ashlee Simpson, the Toronto Maple Leafs, Oprah Winfrey, reality TV, Paul Martin, Stephen Harper, Jack Layton, Gilles Duceppe, Justin Timberlake and Mariah Carey. There's more, but my time's up
Happy New Year.