I'm at home, should be doing my paper. Instead I will write on why I can't concentrate.

Some days I wish my strengths lay in writing instead of math, purely for that fact that I've toyed with the idea of sharing my experiences. Not that I'm doing any good in math or accounting currently. Actually I'm failing most my classes right now ... I'll be sitting in class thinking about how much I wish I could afford a coffee to curb my appetite for the remainder of the school day. Or leaning over my friend's shoulder reading her marketing book, and thinking how much it blows I couldn't even afford to photocopy this semester. All March I have been struggling to not drop out of college and finish this year.

I left Children's Aid when I was 16 and moved into my first apartment, a funny little crack house off Mount Pleasant. Definitely moved a few more times. And I graduated high school with Honours, Ontario Scholar, some leadership awards and a math award while living beside a meth clinic. At the after-ceremony party, I had not one, but three teachers comment on how surprised they were I graduated ... Of course, a bunch students were shocked little miss rebellious had a brain.

I got my tax return today. Shockingly it was a lot less than last year. Just learned about tuition counting for points in my future taxes instead of being tax deductible. So basically if I never make a high annual income, I never see that money again. If I do make a high annual income, then it will be useful. But not when it counts. I was kinda depending on my taxes to pay rent next week ... I'm sure I will manage. Got to do what you got to do.

I've had this increasing self-pity growing these past weeks. Every Monday I do my follow-up calls, research new places to apply and then apply. Wait and do it all over again. I'm losing momentum. I look at a job posting that was posted less than 24 hours ago and over 300 people have looked at it.

I have a friend who works in "the business," meaning a massage parlour, stripping and escort services, etc. She has offered and encouraged me to join her. She said we can drive out of town to strip. Ideally this would save me, pay off my bad debit, catch me up on my cell, Internet and maxed-out Visas. But I think making a decision like that would kill me inside. Even though I am still considering trying it ... the problem is I'm gay, yeah. Stripping would be what I'd want to try. No creepy touching that way.

I've had enough external and some selfinduced misery in my life. I'm working on being a success story! (<--says the little positive voice to contradict the devil). I have high standards for myself. I am stubborn and dedicated to my own development and improvements. These past weeks I have been going down, down, down. I am really close to my breaking point. I am sick and tired of always walking the difficult path. I want someone to take the golden spoon shoved up their ass, and serve it to me on a silver platter.

Most people with as many "bombs" as I've had in their lives don't make it as far as I have. I think that's why I feel isolated. And I think that's why people look at me with shock when they start hearing parts of my story. I've had a therapist tell me she didn't understand why I was there. I have had many people tell me I seem so normal, like nothing's happened. Stable. Not traumatized. I once had a country girl from Rosetown, Saskatchewan tell me she dreamed for an "exciting" life like mine when she asked what my father does for a living.

I am so thankful for my friends. They are my family and some are role models. My friends lend me an ear when I'm upset, feed me when needed, drive me to the grocery store or school, let me do laundry at their place, and make me care packages with toilet paper. My blood family should be doing that.

I don't want to be jealous of my friends driving to my place in their free car, and picking up artwork with free money from grandma and driving home to their free apartment before I see them tomorrow getting their free education. I don't wanna watch a kid throw half a sub out and I think how hungry I am. I don't want to cry in frustration while looking at this year's art school application and being unable to apply due to the registration fee, which was due over a month ago

Here in Canada you have to go into debt to make money. My first year of college has crippled me ... I have had a Visa since I was 18, I'm turning 22 next month and I haven't paid the minimum for the first time in my life! My overdraft is maxed out. My credit is now fucked. And mommy and daddy have never stepped in to save me, nor will they. For this, I apparently am a very strong person and it sets me ahead of my peers in life experience. Or so I am told. What I see is the rich stay rich, the poor stay poor. I'm just tired of going to bed hungry.

I was told that I would get financial help besides a loan for school. I paid an extra $10 when filing my OSAP application, so that I could claim family disturbance, meaning no contact or financial help from my family. Doesn't it seem a bit messed up that I have to pay extra to claim that I need extra help? And what did it get me? A couple $25 grocery cards.

So what am I going to do? I'm not going to start stripping. I will continue to apply to jobs. I will try to bite down my resentment towards my family. By the end of the week, I will somehow pay rent. Also I will make a payment on my cell so they don't cut it. I will have a new job by the end of the month! And most importantly, I will choke back these burning tears, grab a cigarette, end this entry and go back to the job bank.

I will be okay.

I always am.
Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.