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Lindsay's ink reminder

Ruth Swanson | Interrobang | Lifestyles | February 6th, 2006

What do Stephen Harper and Lindsay Lohan have in common?

This isn't a trick question. It's a tough one though. And until last week, you would have said nothing, right? These two couldn't be more opposite. But thanks to two totally separate incidences and some well-timed journalists, the world believed (however briefly, in Harper's case) that both of these icons suffer from asthma.

Big deal, right? Yeah, that's what I thought too. Millions of people have it; half my high school gym class wouldn't venture more than 20 feet from the telltale inhaler. I imagine it's a pretty annoying affliction to live with, but not that newsworthy, in my opinion. I mean it's not cancer or anything.

But suddenly a newly elected leader and a teenaged pop star suffer asthma attacks, and the world can't get enough asthma information. What is it? How is it caused? Do I have it? I think I have it. I must have it. The other day I was climbing the stairs to my apartment and I got a little short-winded. It must be asthma. Me and Lindsay, suffering in silence from this terrible condition. We have something in common (imagine! Me, a celebrity! I can't wait for my Oscar invitation…)

For some reason, celebrities can make even the most common, mundane events and incidences seem so glamorous. What was typically considered a staple in geek attire, its now just a matter of time before ultra-exclusive designers start releasing Swarofsky-studded inhalers and vintage-leather carrying cases. Everyone who's anyone will have one, and the kids will go wild for the hot new medication. Inhalers will be the number one seller on eBay, and Oprah will add them to her coveted Favorite Things list.

Or maybe fans will get even crazier and get an asthma-related tattoo like Lindsay did (seriously) when she got the word “breathe” tattooed on her wrist. Hopefully this split-decision tattooing isn't the next big thing, but just in case it is I think I'm going to be ahead of the game this time. I never did get a pair of Uggs, and I don't own any Lululemon yoga clothes. And I'm tired of being behind the latest fashions. But not this time, oh no, this time I'm going to be the first one on my block with a medical condition tattoo.

I don't have asthma, so I guess “breathe” is out. I do have sensitive skin, so maybe I'll get “aloe” inked into my wrist. Or perhaps I could get “beef” to pay homage to my iron deficiency. It would be really great if I broke my leg or something; then I could get a “walk” tattoo!

The problem with tattoos though, is that unlike Lindsay's career, they're permanent. So I think I'll skip this trend too, and hope that someday Paris Hilton needs something a little less forever — maybe braces, or a pair of orthopedic shoes will be the next big thing.

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