I've been looking for a job for a while. It's rough out there. But I've come up with some sure-fire ways to help you stand out from the crowd and land your dream job. They haven't helped me yet, but I have faith.

- Write a three-page cover letter... double sided: This shows that you're detail-oriented and that your life is an open book.

- Swear in your emails: Show you're comfortable and not afraid to hold anything back.

- Riddle your resume with errors: People love to play spot-the-error — this shows your sense of whimsy and your playful spirit.

- Be mean to people on social media: People love a challenge, and nobody likes a yes-man.

- Don't network: If they want to meet you, they'll find you.

- Post drunk pictures on your Facebook and tweet when you're getting hammered: Show you're sociable and you know how to have a good time.

- Actually, don't use social media sites: Employers want to know you'll work hard and not waste your time.

- Wear jeans and a tee to your interview (if you ever manage to land one): Show your personal classic style.

- Answer your phone (even if it doesn't ring) in the middle of your interview: Show you're popular, successful and this company needs an important person like you on their team.

- Get familiar with your interviewers: Coming up with unique pet names for every person you contact will help you keep track of whom you've spoken to. Also, who doesn't want to hire the guy who called you “Sugar Britches”?

DISCLAIMER: Just kidding! Please don't take this advice. If you do, you may be faced with the same situation as the writer on the following page...