Choose your own advice!
The trouble with starting fresh in
an advice column is that nobody
has written you any letters yet, and
there's nothing in your inbox.
Instead, I'm going to answer all the
email from next week this week.
This should cover a lot of bases,
and it might even drum up some
nostalgia for the Bookmobile. It's
choose-your-own-adventure week!
Dear Doctor Newspaper,
Should I break up with my high school girlfriend?
— Shaun, from Townsville
Let's start simple. Will you both be in London this year? If you can get to her place by walking or with your free bus pass, go to E. If you're too far apart to see each other regularly, go to H. If you're within a few hours' drive of your partner, go to C. If you're in the same program, go to B.
A) Be the upstanding sort of person you know you ought to and break it off amicably now, before someone gets hurt. Otherwise, you will inevitably run into each other at a '90s-themed party and hash out anything that's left over.
B) Congratulations on finding a nice little codependent rhythm for yourselves. If you break up, it's not going to be before Thanksgiving, and you're going to have a better reason than I have the heart to share with the paper-reading public.
C) If you don't mind getting on a Greyhound the odd weekend, go to W. If you're pretty sure your old flame will come visit you, go to P.
D) You are assigned an equally disgusting roommate named Wilbur, who likes to pee into the sink “because it saves water.” Keep a change of clothes in your locker.
E) Uncomfortable truth time: do you think you can do better? If you do, go to O. Otherwise, go to I.
F) It might be time to break up. It might seem easier to stand by her for now, but you're going to have a whole new set of friends that want to make embarrassing Facebook photos with you, and at least one of them will be cute.
H) This is where it starts getting tricky. If you've been together since before high school, go to R. If they were a summer fling that stuck around, go to U.
I) What the hell are you reading this article for? If you liked adventure books when you were a kid, go to N. If you're waiting for a bus, go to S.
L) You should absolutely consider long distance. She knows your faults by now, and if you've lasted long enough to still need advice, she's probably not breaking up with you this month either.
M) Dance with the one that brought you, and visit often. Statistically, you've got a good chance of moving back home and getting reacquainted with Mom's meatloaf, anyhow.
N) You are reading a school newspaper when you come to the end of the column. To turn the page over and read music reviews, turn to page any of them. For full-page ads, try the back cover.
O) If your old partner is a bit thick, go to T. If they're beautiful inside and out, go to A.
P) Well, either you've got a good thing going, or your high-school fling is way more into you than you are into them. You know which it is, and you know what to do.
R) Do you have a good poker face, and are you willing to use it? If you have tamed all your obvious tells, go to D. If you can't answer, “Does this make me look fat?” with a straight face, go to L.
S) Whip out your Nokia iGalaxy S and send me an email (my address is at the end.) You could get some bona-fide advice from someone who's so sure of their opinion that they didn't print their own name in the byline. What could be better?
T) Use the movie cliché to your advantage and break up before you move into residence. Just leave them your class ring or your varsity jacket to remember you by. Occasionally send postcards covered in lots of official-looking rubber stamps.
U) Take note of my address at the end of the article, Bambi. Heck, tear it off and keep it in your pocket for later. I'm not sure if you're sentimental or super anxious, but you'll catch your sea legs soon enough, kiddo. Pull the band-aid off quickly and break up.
W) Nothing wrong with wanting some things in your life to remain constant. Do you have a few friends back in your hometown you're going to want to chill with? If all your friends got jobs at a factory or the Wendy's, go to M. If the girlfriend and the family are the only people you really want to see back home, go to F.
Do you have a burning issue that isn't scandalous enough for the Montel show? Send your relationship questions to Doctor Newspaper at drnewspaper@gmail.com.
Dear Doctor Newspaper,
Should I break up with my high school girlfriend?
— Shaun, from Townsville
Let's start simple. Will you both be in London this year? If you can get to her place by walking or with your free bus pass, go to E. If you're too far apart to see each other regularly, go to H. If you're within a few hours' drive of your partner, go to C. If you're in the same program, go to B.
A) Be the upstanding sort of person you know you ought to and break it off amicably now, before someone gets hurt. Otherwise, you will inevitably run into each other at a '90s-themed party and hash out anything that's left over.
B) Congratulations on finding a nice little codependent rhythm for yourselves. If you break up, it's not going to be before Thanksgiving, and you're going to have a better reason than I have the heart to share with the paper-reading public.
C) If you don't mind getting on a Greyhound the odd weekend, go to W. If you're pretty sure your old flame will come visit you, go to P.
D) You are assigned an equally disgusting roommate named Wilbur, who likes to pee into the sink “because it saves water.” Keep a change of clothes in your locker.
E) Uncomfortable truth time: do you think you can do better? If you do, go to O. Otherwise, go to I.
F) It might be time to break up. It might seem easier to stand by her for now, but you're going to have a whole new set of friends that want to make embarrassing Facebook photos with you, and at least one of them will be cute.
H) This is where it starts getting tricky. If you've been together since before high school, go to R. If they were a summer fling that stuck around, go to U.
I) What the hell are you reading this article for? If you liked adventure books when you were a kid, go to N. If you're waiting for a bus, go to S.
L) You should absolutely consider long distance. She knows your faults by now, and if you've lasted long enough to still need advice, she's probably not breaking up with you this month either.
M) Dance with the one that brought you, and visit often. Statistically, you've got a good chance of moving back home and getting reacquainted with Mom's meatloaf, anyhow.
N) You are reading a school newspaper when you come to the end of the column. To turn the page over and read music reviews, turn to page any of them. For full-page ads, try the back cover.
O) If your old partner is a bit thick, go to T. If they're beautiful inside and out, go to A.
P) Well, either you've got a good thing going, or your high-school fling is way more into you than you are into them. You know which it is, and you know what to do.
R) Do you have a good poker face, and are you willing to use it? If you have tamed all your obvious tells, go to D. If you can't answer, “Does this make me look fat?” with a straight face, go to L.
S) Whip out your Nokia iGalaxy S and send me an email (my address is at the end.) You could get some bona-fide advice from someone who's so sure of their opinion that they didn't print their own name in the byline. What could be better?
T) Use the movie cliché to your advantage and break up before you move into residence. Just leave them your class ring or your varsity jacket to remember you by. Occasionally send postcards covered in lots of official-looking rubber stamps.
U) Take note of my address at the end of the article, Bambi. Heck, tear it off and keep it in your pocket for later. I'm not sure if you're sentimental or super anxious, but you'll catch your sea legs soon enough, kiddo. Pull the band-aid off quickly and break up.
W) Nothing wrong with wanting some things in your life to remain constant. Do you have a few friends back in your hometown you're going to want to chill with? If all your friends got jobs at a factory or the Wendy's, go to M. If the girlfriend and the family are the only people you really want to see back home, go to F.
Do you have a burning issue that isn't scandalous enough for the Montel show? Send your relationship questions to Doctor Newspaper at drnewspaper@gmail.com.
