From flirty to dirty: a beginner's guide to dirty talk and phone sex

For some people, dirty talk is "the ultimate form of foreplay," said Dr. Carlen Costa, who is London's only sexologist. She described her job as helping people with their relationships and intimate desires. "It's a chance to slow down ... to feel the tension build between you and your partner, to allow your body to feel those emotions and those words."

But not everyone likes dirty talk. "I find it embarrassing," said Carlos, a Fanshawe student who asked that we not publish his real name. "It's not something I'm used to and all I can ever think of are the terribly cliche things that they say in porn." He said dirty talk makes him feel uncomfortable and awkward.

Costa said people like Carlos may feel uncomfortable with dirty talk because many of the words used — "fuck," "pussy" and so on — have a stigma attached to them. "We've taken these sexual slangs and translated them into this repressive, negative verbiage," she explained. She gave the word "cocksucker" as an example: traditionally in heterosexual relationships, the woman goes down on the male, so calling someone a "cocksucker" is meant to demean them by putting them in the woman's place. The way sexual slang has been twisted in negative or derogatory ways has affected the way people understand their own sexuality, Costa explained.

"For (some women), even the word 'cunt' can be very empowering. 'This is my cunt. This is mine.' But then that word has been taken and used by men and women as an invasive way to put somebody down," she said. "A weak man is a pussy, because it has to do with being a female, because women are seen as the weaker sex." She added that a lot of women shy away from saying things like "My pussy is really wet" because of the negative connotations associated with the word.

"Sex is supposed to be fun," she laughed. "That's where sexual slangs came from, because people were having fun with what they were doing, and then all these other institutions such as patriarchy have translated these sexual slangs and brought them into a negative sphere."

Grunting, groaning and moaning
Some of the sounds people make during sex are involuntary — these moans and grunts are known as copulatory vocalizations. Jocelyn Wentland, a Ph. D. student in the Human Sexuality Research Laboratory at the University of Ottawa, wrote a blog post about a study that examined the phenomenon.

The study found that 66 per cent of the 71 women surveyed "reported making sounds to speed up their partner's ejaculation due to discomfort/pain, boredom and fatigue," Wentland wrote in her post. This is an unfortunate finding, because it indicates that women weren't making sounds linked to their own orgasms, she explained.

"My concern is that ... women are really giving the impression that what their partner is doing is great for them (the woman) and it's going to lead them to orgasm, but really is not leading to their orgasm at all," she said. The noises tell your partner you're enjoying what they're doing, and if you're just making the noises for your partner's benefit, he or she won't be able to tell what's really enjoyable and what doesn't work.

Taking charge with instructional sounds
Rather than relying on grunts to get your point across, try taking the talk from "that feels good" to more instructional talk, such as playing a more dominant role and telling your partner exactly what you want them to do.

"I think (instructional sounds are) a good thing to communicate to your partner that you're either liking what they're doing or giving them instruction to (go) softer, lighter, to the right or whatever it is ... versus just the emphatic, 'I'm enjoying myself'- type sounds," explained Wentland.

She explained that many sex educators, therapists and coaches will encourage people to masturbate to learn about their own bodies — what they like and what they don't like. "It's pretty difficult to tell a partner what you like when you don't know what you like yourself," she continued.

When giving instructions during sex, don't necessarily make it a step-by-step guide. "You have to not sound like an instructional booklet," Wentland laughed. "I think there's definitely a way that you can make it kind of naughty or kinky or whatever, have fun with it in terms of giving your partner some good feedback about what they're doing and what you like … That's how the sounds can be used in a good way — to encourage or keep them going."

It may be time to break out the dirty thesaurus, because nothing ruins a sexy atmosphere like busting out medical terminology — unless you're into that kind of thing.

"There's a big difference between using a proper word, like, 'Oh, your penis is so hard,' instead of saying, 'Oh, your cock is really hard, let's fuck.' Or, 'I'm dripping mucus from my vulva,' (versus) 'My pussy's wet.' It's funny because it can be counterproductive to actually being arousing," Dr. Costa chuckled.

In going beyond just using 'dirty words,' it can be a lot of fun to get descriptive, said Cameryn Moore, who has been a phone sex operator for three years. She also performs a stage show, Phone Whore, as part of the Fringe Festival. "If you're talking dirty, don't just say nouns and verbs, use adjectives (and metaphors and analogies)." Something like "Your cock is so hard" is fine, but "Your cock feels like it's nailing me to the fucking bed" is better, she said, because it gives more of a visual.

Getting more comfortable
Using instructional noises takes some of the pressure and awkwardness off of talking dirty, because you can use instructions to tell your partner what to do and make it part of the fun. "Some women have more difficulty communicating that kind of instructional direction to their partners because there's an expectation that men are good at (sex), they know what they're doing and maybe men might not be as open to asking for feedback," said Wentland, adding that some people may also be feeling some embarrassment about not being able to make their partner orgasm. Making it fun and bringing a little bit of domination into it can make it sexy rather than scary.

However, don't just bust it out in the middle of having sex with no buildup or discussion beforehand, she chuckled. "I think you could set up a situation, if it's a role-play or power dynamics ... if you did some kind of an 'I'm the boss tonight, and you're going to do exactly what I tell you to do' (thing)." Guide your partner through it: "Now you're going to take off my panties, now you're going to kiss my breast." It can be done in a fun, sexy way that can take the pressure off both partners.

When you're starting out, your partner may speak quietly because they're embarrassed, so get them to repeat themselves, said Moore. She also suggested taking on a bit of a dominating tone with questions like, "What did you say? What do you want me to do?" "Ask the leading questions in a way that's like, 'I didn't hear you, you're going to have to speak up a little' … Whatever you think you want them to say, you can offer it in a way that really sets it up so that all they have to do is repeat it back to you."

Start with simple sentences. These phrases can progress, allowing you and your partner to get more comfortable, Costa said. "A great way to get over your fear … is simply just to practice during sex. Start off by just making any kind of noises: moaning, groaning, audible breathing, describing what you're feeling — 'Ooh, that feels really good,' that type of thing — and then naturally it will slowly start to progress, because you'll throw out a word here or there with an ass slap, and eventually you'll reach a level that you feel comfortable with." The process must be slow, she said, unless you know your partner will be comfortable getting right into it.

Above everything else, "The best thing to do is just to keep it authentic," said Costa. "Sometimes the sexiest stuff is the stuff you don't even realize you're saying because you're in the moment, you're feeling the moment and you're experiencing the moment."

Setting boundaries
"It can be difficult to negotiate how to dirty talk," said Costa. In the heat of the moment, you might forget your audience, potentially to the detriment of the mood. "What might be healthy to you might be received very differently by your partner."

Essentially, dirty talk is all about negotiation, she explained. "It's all about setting the boundaries of comfort between you and your partner and expanding upon it however you both see fit and healthy for yourselves."

Even when boundaries have been set, there's always the possibility that someone could say something out of line. "That's part of the negotiating and the communication. If someone says something to you that really does become offensive, that's when you have the right in your sexual sphere (to say something)," said Costa.

Depending on the situation, you may need to stop the activity and talk about what was said, or you may be able to diffuse the situation with a joke and make light of what happened, Costa said. "If you're engaging with somebody and you're feeling safe up until that point, I'm sure that person wasn't saying it to offend you — it's all about their own exploration as well." Dirty talk shouldn't just be about one partner's needs, it's about both people learning what's okay and what's not okay, for themselves and for each other.

With phone sex and dirty talk, a lot of fantasies can be uncovered, and you've got to be prepared for that, said Moore. "You've got to be cautious and gentle with each other when you're talking about fantasies. A lot of times they're things you didn't expect, or maybe you haven't talked about it a whole lot, so you don't know what's out there. The more you get to be in a trusting relationship with someone, the deeper you can end up going, and sometimes people aren't prepared for that." Cultivate in yourself a real attitude about non-judgment about what comes up, like she has to do in her job, she said.

Phoning it in
From Skype sex to getting freaky over the FaceTime app, technology and social media have opened up a whole new world to get dirty in. "It's no longer limited to being a face-to-face conversation or a face-to-face interaction," said Costa. "We can talk dirty with our words and our mouths with each other, we can send sexy emails, we can sext, we can send provocative letters, erotic literature is always quite interesting and such a pleasure to read, and then there's stuff like phone sex. Phone sex has been around since the beginning of phones."

There are huge differences between regular dirty talk and phone sex, said Moore. "It's different because you can have dirty talk and not actually be describing a scene at all. With phone sex, you're generally going to be describing some action," she explained. "In dirty talk, you're right there doing the action."

In phone sex, though there may be masturbation on one or both ends, there's no physical contact between the participants. If you want something to happen, you have to describe it, said Moore. When it comes to phone sex, it's all about setting a scene and including plenty of sexy details and descriptions, especially in role-play or fantasy.

"There's a lot more that's possible with phone sex," she said. "You can change your hairstyle, you can change the size of your tits, you can set this 500 years in the past, you can sprout six tentacles … you can do stuff that is not physically possible or not legally possible or not financially possible — you can do all kinds of impossible things with phone sex. There's a lot more latitude for imaginative play, but you have to be specific. You have to be very descriptive and evocative about it." That's why phone sex is great for fantasy talk, she said. "You're not right there in their face. You don't have to look at them in the eyes if it's embarrassing for you."

With phone sex, you're only limited by your imagination, she said. "It's amazing what people get up to in their own heads."

Why dirty talk works
Whether you're interested in whispering sweet, nasty nothings in your lover's ear or getting playful on the phone, having fun with dirty talk can be a great boost for your sex life, Costa said. "Since the brain is ultimately responsible for sexual arousal and orgasm, use of language to stimulate the brain can be surprisingly a direct route to arousal. That's why dirty talk actually works — especially during foreplay or as a precursor to any type of sexual act, because it's directly going to your brain. It's directly affecting your arousal, it's directly allowing you to fantasize and express desire. And it's making your hormones and your body feel all tingly inside."

"The right words said at the right time can make your experience go from great sex to unforgettable sex," said Costa. "Dirty talk can be directive, it can be emotionally charging, it can be mentally fulfilling, it can add to the experience, but it can also take away from the experience if it is negotiated upon in a healthy way prior to your (sexual) engagement."