Despite the fact that youth is wasted on the young, I wouldn't go back to my 20s if you paid me. I value my life experience and my hard-won maturity far more than the slim body and lack of self-confidence I had back then.

Okay, maybe I wouldn't mind having the slim body back, but not the lack of self-confidence. Paradoxically, when I had what the media pushes as a woman's most important asset — her looks and a nice body — was the time I felt the most unsure of myself in the world.

I was a driven, Type-A person who was always looking at the future and measuring success by a very high standard. Huge ambitions mixed with equally huge selfdoubt is a very uneasy combination to live with. The lack of confidence could only be helped by the experience of overcoming life's challenges, which eventually gave me the self-confidence to slay that inner sabotaging voice. Give it enough time and you'll grow out of ______ (insert problem here). It's true of almost anything.

But while personality and youth didn't help my self-confidence, I also struggled for decades to become comfortable in my own skin, and I'd have to say that part is cultural. What is it about being female that makes it so hard to claim your own voice? At various times, I've downplayed my intelligence, my capability and (here comes the topic of the headline) my sexuality.

When they're young, girls operate by this code that they must be alluring and attractive, but passive in getting a boyfriend. They must essentially be "bait." When older, women are slammed as predatory and unfeminine if they're active and confident in showing interest in someone. They're labelled "cougars."

In both cases, it's a cultural nono to display your sexual power, it's not "feminine," it's "asking for trouble." This split between selfconscious mind and sensual body too often makes women deny that there's anything "down there." We compartmentalize feelings and resolutely shove sex to the bottom of the sock drawer.

My theory why the Fifty Shades of Grey books are so popular is that there's such a dearth of good written erotica for women that that series had no competition. Twilight and True Blood are other examples of commercial successes that have hit upon women's innate — but discreetly covered-up — erotic selves.

As to the political correctness of these books and series, sexual fantasies are not about civil rights or morals, they're fantasies. I personally don't get the attraction, but I defend your right and your healthy expression of it to fantasize about what turns your crank.

So go ahead, look for love and romance and pleasure, it is absolutely your right just as much as it's your right to say "no." Practice safe sex and birth control. Be choosy, demand respect and reciprocity in your relationships. Broom the partner who gives you neither.

The upshot is your health, happiness and, yes, your self-confidence will go up if you can embrace and express your voice and all of your strengths — including your power to be sexual.

Susie Mah is president of the Fanshawe Adult Social Club. Email her at ascfanshawe@hotmail.com.