CREDIT: ALBUM ARTWORK IS CREDITED TO THEIR RESPECTIVE MUSIC ARTISTS AND LABELS.

Bobby Foley

I write about random things a lot. I write a lot about random things. But nothing is more seemingly random than love – the way it strikes, the way it grows and the way it stings – and consequently, this time of year can be a cruelly painful one for a lot of people.

Even if you’re in a healthy relationship, you may have had your fill of the Valentine’s Day hype machine. If you’re not, this stupid weekend still presents you with obligation and social awkwardness that you didn’t ask for and being surrounded by people celebrating fickle emotions certainly doesn’t make anyone feel any better.

So for our anti-Valentine’s Day issue, I’ve compiled this playlist as my gift to you – The Five Stages of a Breakup in 10 Songs, available to stream for free online via Rdio (bit.ly/fivestages-rdio) and Spotify (bit.ly/fivestages-spotify). You don’t need to be freshly scorned in order to listen, but if you are, it helps.

First, a little clarity – there isn’t a specific standard when it comes to the process of grieving a relationship, although most sources reference the widely–accepted five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Psychologically, this makes sense: the collapse of a romantic relationship to mourning a close friend, something to which almost anyone who has experienced heartbreak can attest.

But for better or worse, I can only cover the issue from a male perspective. In an effort to gain some insight into the female perspective, I found alternate takes on the traditional five stages – like denial, rebounding/recklessness, swearing off men, nostalgia and moving on – that are a bit inconsistent with many males’ process.

At the end of the day, I chose these songs because of the power of their message and their ability to provide an emotional upswing. No sweeping ballads, no sentimental undercurrent, just 32 minutes of music that doesn’t pull any punches. Whether you’re waiting for a pizza to arrive or jumping into the car to go and meet your friends, this mix is designed to energize and empower you to make the most out of this Valentine’s Day on your own terms.

“Guilt Trip” – PUP

Boldly saying everything you want to say in the heat of the moment – “How many times have I lied to you? / If I was drunk when I said it, it might have been true.” It’s not me, it’s you.

“Song for the Dumped” – Ben Folds Five

Ben Folds’ candor and tenacity has made this a fan favourite since its release in the 1990’s. Sometimes, the way that the relationship ends is just as bad as the romance itself. Sometimes it’s worse, adding to insult with the sting of surprise. Go ahead, be angry about it.

“Cry Me A River” – Julie London

Many people would cite Ella Fitzgerald is the definitive jazz chanteuse, but Julie London recorded this would-be hit first. Her delivery is venomous as she taunts her former lover to long for her return, a bittersweet revenge we could all be so lucky to feel.

“Every Day Is A Struggle” – Senses Fail

Maybe the relationship needed to end. You’re probably not the only one hurting about it.

“I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself” – The White Stripes

The roller coaster epitomized. Don’t mistake boredom for loneliness – you just need a distraction and maybe a friend to hold on to your cell phone if you’re drinking.

“Patricia the Stripper” – Chris de Burgh

From an album of stories released 40 years ago, de Burgh’s bouncy song about a stripper in the 1920’s serves as a reminder not to take things too seriously in your breakup. And that no matter what the distraction, you shouldn’t have to apologize for a little harmless fun.

“Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk (Reprise)” – Rufus Wainwright

Depression manifests itself in a lot of ways, and you’re going to be tempted. Remember that food or drink is better than hooking up with your ex. It may be hard to convince you on bad days.

“Get Over It” – OK Go

How do you define happiness, anyway? We’ve all got problems, just make sure you aren’t bringing them on yourself by being honest about what you’re going through. Everything is temporary.

“Black Me Out” – Against Me!

If there is any album that hammers home the message of being true to oneself, I haven’t heard it. If Laura Jane Grace can stand up for herself against the world we can all find the strength to make it through a weekend.

“I’m Gonna Find Another You” – John Mayer

There are a few satisfying barbs hidden in this gem, the Otis Redding–inspired closer of John Mayer’s 2006 opus. “If I’m forced to find another, I hope she looks like you / yeah, and she’s nicer too,” he sings. Delicious.

For more of the latest music news, album streams and even the occasional playlist, follow this column on Twitter @fsu_bobbyisms. In concert news this week, London-born and raised Bryce Jardine brings his Winter Troubadour Tour to the London Music Club with special guest Derek Harrison, February 13 at 8:30 p.m. Tickets are available in advance from ticketscene. ca. Support your local music scene. I’m out of words.

Nick Reyno

Breakups kind of feel like getting gut-punched by Chuck Norris. Then when you think you’ve recovered – bam! Chuck Norris hits you again. If only Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee would kick him back to the school of bad acting and mullets. You can do so with an easy three-step program.

Step one: be thankful you don’t have Chuck’s awful hair.

Step two: Realize you’re already a step ahead of the baddest badass in the galaxy.

Step three: Fending off Chuck Norris breakup syndrome is listening to breakup songs that will have you kicking those feelings to the curb.

“You’re No Good” – Linda Ronstadt

We’ve had our ups and downs, and sometimes we’ve been the no-goodnik, but they just weren’t healthy for us. This song is a classic, with a simple anthem that’s easy to sing along too. No intricate lyrics – just a powerful message. Even if we’ve been the breaker in the past, it doesn’t mean we deserved what happened.

“Fuck You” – CeeLo Green

Throw on this song and yell it out while throwing darts at a printout of your ex’s face on a dartboard. “Fuck You” is witty and still an emotional song. CeeLo Green has given this song a bright retro vibe that brings great optimism and groove to an otherwise emotional song. “Fuck You” will help you vent but won’t leave you pent up with rage, because it will also make you laugh.

“Somebody That I Used To Know” – Gotye

Sometimes we need to be sad. It’s part of the process of getting over your ex. If we don’t go through the motions then it’s harder to move forward. Gotye focuses on the drifting that happens when two people split up, and he offers viewpoints from both sides of the relationship, which is uncommon for breakup songs. Perhaps this song will help us realize that there are factors on both sides that have caused things to fall apart. Let’s accept that we each have flaws and start to focus on ourselves as individuals.

“Recovery” – Frank Turner

Not everyone’s coping methods are going to be the best in the books, and not everyone’s going to bounce back immediately, but that doesn’t mean we should give up. This song acknowledges that it’s a long journey out of the gloom we’re in, but manages to keep an upbeat outlook through the somber lyrics. Sometimes we need to be sad before we can be happy, but hopefully this song will cast the process in a brighter light.

“I Will Survive” – Gloria Gaynor

This disco classic has been reinvented a dozen times, but going back and jamming out to the original will let you escape to the groovy era of roller dancing and magnificent hairdos. This song is inherently happy by nature of the music itself, but it also brings an important motto for us. This isn’t the end. Things will go on. You’ve already fought through two decades of your life, and you’re going to fight through many more.

“So What” – P!nk

“So What” is here to remind you that your intrinsic value isn’t based on anyone else. No one controls your happiness but you. This song is about getting out there and showing the world that you’re still a rock star. It’s about living how you want to live and saying “so what” to other peoples expectations. If the lyrics in this song aren’t enough to get you going, then the pounding drums and strutting electric guitars should do the trick bring some optimism.

“Dog Days Are Over” – Florence + The Machine

This song may not pertain to a relationship, but it covers battling with irrational feelings and leaves room for interpretation throughout. The chorus of “Dog Days Are Over” is as powerful as her voice and talks about letting go of the past and running full tilt into the future. You can’t change what’s happened, so why let it change you?

“Roar” – Katy Perry

It’s been the ultimate feel-good self-empowering anthem of the last two. If your ex has ever pushed you down or stepped on you, then Katy Perry knows exactly where you’re coming from. It’s time to stop denying this guilty pleasure and sing it out louder – louder than a lion.

“Never Ever Getting Back Together” – Taylor Swift

Sometimes breakups are messy. They’re foggy, and we have those on-againoff- again relationships. If it didn’t work the first time, it’s not going to work the second time, and Taylor is the poster child for this valuable life lesson. Be firm when things end. Don’t compromise your values and don’t fall back into the same slump you just got out off. The grieving process is infinitely better than taking a second roller coaster ride with someone who didn’t work out the first time.

“Go Your Own Way” – Fleetwood Mac

This song was actually recorded while four of the five band mates were splitting up – with each other. “Go Your Own Way” conveys some competing viewpoints throughout the verses and lyrics. This song is about letting go of the person and caring for their well-being and not just how they can better your life. The chorus serves as a twoway anthem for you and your ex. Each of you must go on your own way and continue to develop into a unique individual.

Go get a cheap box of chocolate, call up your best friend and take a road trip somewhere you’ve never been.