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Mr. Christmas called crackpot

Kim Robeson | Distorter | Distorter | December 4th, 2006

If it weren't real it would be described as sheer lunacy, but for over a dozen years Johnny Wanker has been celebrating Christmas everyday of his life.

So deep is his love for Christmas that, over 12 years, he reckons he has consumed 4,380 turkeys (one a day), 87,600 mince pies (20 a day), 2,190 pints of gravy (half a pint a day), 26,280 roast potatoes (six a day), 30,660 stuffing balls, 219,000 mushy peas, 4,380 bottles of champagne, 4,380 bottles of sherry and 5,000 bottles of wine.

“I've been doing this for 12 years and I'm going to be doing it for another 12. I've never, ever got bored of it. I absolutely love Christmas,” he said.

Wanker has given himself close to 22,000 presents, and spent $24,000 on lights and effects.

“I've spent about $500,000 celebrating Christmas for the past 12 years,” he said. “I've also gone through 36 ovens and 42 video recorders by watching the Queen's Christmas Day speech over and over, as well as Christmas films.”

Wanker's daily routine consists of breakfast - six mince pies and a turkey sandwich - then doing his work as a plumber until about 11.30am when he returns home to cook his dinner.

At 8pm Wanker lays his presents under the Christmas tree and awaits gleefully to open them before he readies himself for bed. Yesterday, he gave himself a dinner jacket. Today he is getting a suit. He admits that while these gifts are rather drab he hopes to find a PS3 under the tree at some point, and he's also had to open up some rather naughty gifts on occasion.

Wanker admits his girlfriend, Robin Taylor, 24, and his daughter, Cass, 20, call him a “crackpot”, he said. “Even when I go to a restaurant or a friend's for dinner, I insist on a full Christmas dinner.”

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
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