A shopping mall Santa got a groin full of foot when a naughty little girl booted him squarely in the groin and pulled his beard down to his waist. In response, Santa, doubled over, writhing in pain and screaming in an unusual octave about his gonads wouldn't give her a candy cane. Mall management was unsympathetic to their groined Santa and fired him.

He was relieved, then, when another area mall hired him to play Santa. With reporters covering his first day in the chair, Santa turned to a local TV station's camera and said, “I suppose you want a picture of me protecting my jingle jangles.” He then grabbed his crotch, imitating, he said later, “a grip used by athletes to protect their ‘penalty zones' or like when Michael Jackson sings.” The image of Santa grabbing his jingle jangles was then broadcast on the evening news. Mall management was unsympathetic and fired him. Santa tearfully told reporters he doesn't know what he's going to do now. He said the stunt “was a bad judgment call,” but “can't you make a joke anymore?”

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.