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Ask the Sex Doc: Going all the way with anal

Dr. Brian Parker | Lifestyles | January 8th, 2007

Dear Sex Doc;
My partner and I are thinking of having anal sex. What are some tips to make this more enjoyable for us?
Anal Envy @ UNBSJ

Dear Anal Envy @ UNBSJ;
I'm not sure if you are male or female or of your sexual orientation so I'll answer this question so it is inclusive of both sexes and all sexual orientations.

There are a number of ways to make bum sex more fun for both partners. The most important thing is COMMUNICATION. Learn to talk about having anal sex before you are knee-deep in shit.

My general rule of thumb is… if you can't talk about it you shouldn't be doing it! So start talking about the joys of rear end play before you start to experiment with your back door.

The receptive person (the one taking the bone) is the one in control. The penetrative partner (the one giving the bone) has to always be responsive to their partner's needs.

Just like with S & M activities, a couple may want to use a safe word. When the receptive partner says something like “pizza,” the boner needs to stop immediately.

The person who will be taking it up their arse may also want to make sure their backside is somewhat clean. I don't recommend anal douching or enemas since it can cause little rips or tears in the rectum, which may lead to irritations or worse, infections.

You can cleanse your rectal cavity by taking a dump before you do the nasty. It would probably be a good idea to hop in the shower and clean that bunghole out as well. You can stick your finger in your butt and remove any excess waste.

LUBE, LUBE, and more LUBE. When it comes to anal play, there is no such thing as too much lube. The rectum doesn't naturally lubricate like the vagina so always use a generous serving of water-based or silicone-based lube.

For rear entry sex, a thicker water-based lube or a silicone-based lube is generally preferred. Never use oil-based lubes in the butt, with or without condoms. Although, you should always be using rubbers for anal because there are many STIs (including HIV), which can be transmitted.

Before you plow the backfield, it is advisable to warm up the ROSEBUD with a little MASSAGE. Start externally with circular motions around their booty hole. Slowly, insert a well-manicured finger or anal toy into the rectum. When the rectum is dilated enough, a penis (or sex toy) can be inserted slowly.

It helps when the receptive partner is completely RELAXED, which might be easier said then done. What generally makes anal sex hurt is getting past the anal sphincter muscles. These are designed to let things pass out, not in. After passing the sphincter the sensations get much more pleasurable for both partners.

Having the receptive individual on top is good way to smoothly get a penis in the out door with fewer accidents. The person on top has better control in this position and can slide down on the hard one at their own pace. These positions are generally good to go for playing with anal sex toys as well.

So, if you're going to experiment with bum play, I hope you follow my suggestions. It will make your experience a ‘hole' lot better.

Dear Sex Doc;
Hey Sex Doc, my girlfriend is all about massages. It always used to lead to sex, but lately she won't give it up after a rub down. I'm kind of confused. What is this all about?
Sore From Rubbing @ UNBSJ

Dear Sore From Rubbing @ UNBSJ;
This is a typical male concern because most guys figure any type of skin-on-skin action should lead to nookie. A sensual massage can be part of foreplay, but it is also a wonderful non-sexual activity to do with our bedmate.

Most people are touch deprived and crave being caressed. So exploring our partner's hides can benefit both partners.

Sore From Rubbing, your girl is probably just fed-up that every single time you grease her pelt, you feel you'll also be greasing your rod. She went with it for a while, but over time, she'd rather watch paint dry than have you pressure her into a hot oil sex fest.

Believe it or not Sore From Rubbing, not every sensual act you have with your partner has to end with your little ass twitching.

What you need to do Sore From Rubbing, is back off the sex stuff. Give her a rub down with no strings attached. After a few of these relaxing sessions, she'll be openly opening for you once again.

But, don't make massage all about sex. Enjoy the sensations of giving and receiving intimate touch and doing something highly sensual with your partner.

Dr. Brian Parker is a clinical sexologist and sex educator and the co-creator of two sexual intimacy board games “Embrace” and “Pillow Talk.” The games are available on his website, which features original erotic art, high-end sensual products and adult sex education.

This column is made possible by the generous support of O'My Natural Lubricants. If you have a sexual question you want answered in the ‘Ask the Sex Doc' column please email and watch for his response in this paper.
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