Cool as Ice (1991)

All right stop, collaborate and read this
Connoisseur's back with a flick you can't dismiss
Cool as Ice is the name of this hit
You want romance, yo, it's got it
To the extreme, this news will make you tinkle
Cool as Ice stars Rob Van Winkle
Some call him Vanilla Ice, some say Rob
Watch out Fabio, there's a new heartthrob
More flavour than Flav, more Robert than DeNiro
Ice baby's here cuz the world needs a hero
Will you press stop? I say no!
Press play, relax and enjoy the show
The story will grip a hold of you tightly
Like a pirate grabs the treasure chest of Keira Knightley
Now it's time to present my review
So here we go without further ado
Word

In case the above rap by M.C. Cinema Connoisseur (or M.C.C.C. as I am known in some circles) didn't make it clear enough, this week's selection is Cool as Ice, starring Rob “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle. It's Valentine's Day this week, so it is fitting that I would review this film, seeing as how it is about the most romantic freakin' movie of all time. The movie's tagline says it all — “When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.” Sure that may not make sense, scientifically speaking. But we aren't talking about science…we are talking about love.

Ice stars as Johnny Van Owen, a rapper with a heart of gold. When not on stage, bustin' some rhymes, Johnny is out riding his motorcycle with his posse. One day while out riding, Johnny spots a girl who tickles his fancy riding a horse. Now I ask you, if you wanted to impress a young lady, what would you do? If you answered, “I would jump my motorcycle over a fence, in front of a horse, causing the girl to be flung off of the horse,” you win!!!

Johnny and his crew end up staying in the same town as the girl, getting some motorcycle repairs done. Johnny sees the girl, whose name is Kathy, on the local television news. It turns out that not only is she a looker, not only does she possibly own a horse, but she scored a 1600 on her SATs. Best of all, her father is played by Michael Gross, the dad from this reviewer's favourite family sitcom, “Family Ties.” Johnny falls for her, and makes it his mission to win her heart.

Unfortunately, Kathy, or Kat as Johnny refers to her, has a boyfriend named Nick. But Johnny isn't sweating that. You see Nick is a jerk. Plus, and I'm sure all the ladies reading this will concur, if you had the choice between dating some random jerk, or going out with a guy who wears pants that have 183 different colours on them, and a leather jacket that is emblazoned with phrases like “Lust” and “Sex You Up,” you are always going to go with the latter. Also, any woman in her right mind would fall for Johnny after he utters one of the all-time greatest cinematic lines, “drop that zero and get with the hero”.

Johnny and Kat soon fall in love, and it seems like they will live happily ever after — until fate intervenes. It seems that Kat's family entered the witness relocation program before she was born after her father testified against some crooked cops. After Kat's dad makes the mistake of appearing on the TV news with his daughter, some old enemies come looking for payback.

Kat's dad is convinced that Johnny is in tight with their enemies, and forbids her to see him again. Like Romeo and Juliet, they are young lovers that are torn apart by the demands of others. Is there anything more tragic?

So do the lovebirds get back together? I cannot reveal that. You must see for yourself. Just from a historical standpoint, this is a truly important film that you need to watch. The first ever motion picture starring Vanilla Ice - that's right up there with the first ever telephone call, the first man to walk on the moon and the first fool ever pitied by Mr. T. So this Valentine's Day, after exchanging chocolates and kisses, sit back, relax and don't think twice, just pop in the tape labeled Cool as Ice.