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Spears MTV debacle to be documented by Oliver Stone

Kevin Coastner | Crapiss Media | Distorter | October 8th, 2007

The films of Oliver Stone have examined some of the darkest moments in U.S. history. Platoon focused on the Vietnam War; JFK examined the assassination of president John F. Kennedy; World Trade Center looked at New York just after 9/11.

But never has Oliver Stone tackled a subject so dark and controversial as his next planned project — a film based on the disastrous Britney Spears performance at the MTV Video Music Awards.

The film will re-create the infamous five-minute performance, although oddly enough it will last over 34 minutes in the film. The project will also offer up some conspiracy theories as to what caused Britney to perform so poorly, including one involving pop-hating Russians.

As has been the case with the release of most of his films, Stone finds himself in a storm of controversy. Stone contends that Britney's performance was an important piece of American history that needs to be re-examined. “If we don't learn from our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat them” said Stone. “Next year Lindsay Lohan could open up the Grammys — is that what you people want?”

Regardless of Stone's motives, there are those who feel that it is too soon, and that the healing process has just barely begun.

“My baby was in the audience that night” proclaimed a hysterical Rhonda Cent, mother of rapper 50 Cent. “He still wakes up several times every night, with a confused look on his face, like he's asking ‘what am I looking at?' Hasn't he suffered enough? My poor bay-bay!!!!”

In addition to showcasing the performance itself, the film will also follow Britney's path the day of the show, which unfortunately did not include a rehearsal. Among the scenes to be included in the film are:

- Britney shows up at a waffle house and demands something called a “bacon cake.”

- A completely nude Spears picks up her copy of the Fall/Winter 2007 Sears catalogue.

- Britney calls Justin Timberlake to try to rekindle their relationship. Britney speaks in a made up language that is a mixture of Portuguese and dialogue from an episode of “The Golden Girls.” She also wasn't really speaking to Justin, but instead had called Lance Bass.

Rather than casting a big named star to fill the role of Britney, Stone says he is looking to find a newcomer to play the part, and is looking for someone very specific.

“I want someone who is adept at moving her mouth without having any sound come out” said Stone. “Also, someone who is able to perform very rudimentary dance steps, while looking generally disinterested and wearing little clothing. Ideally a mute stripper will show up at our auditions.”

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
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