Lust Highway packs a lot of bang
The largest orgasm in the history of Southwestern Ontario took place, as nearly 6,900 women climaxed during the later stages of Bon Jovi's November 19th concert in London.
Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora and the rest of the gang certainly had the juices flowing throughout their recent two-hour show at the John Labatt Centre.
“I had sex with Jon Bon Jovi tonight” proclaimed St. Thomas resident Ariel Olla. “Oh sure, he may have been on stage, and I may have been in section 310, row K, but make no mistake about it - we totally did it. We made a memory.”
Sheila Blige, another upper deck ticket holder reported a similar experience on her blog.
“He made me feel like I was born to be his baby,” wrote Blige. “When he laid his hands on me, he really made me have a nice day.”
While engaging in sexual intercourse over a distance of several hundred feet may seem impossible, scientist Verne Bockwinkle says such a claim should not be dismissed.
“The music of Mr. Jovi is very powerful,” explained Bockwinkle. “Concepts like space and time have no bearing when it comes to his lyrics. Mr. Jovi could conceivably lay a woman down in a bed of roses even if they are separated by the distance of several football fields. A female could be shot through the heart any time, any place, simply through the act of Mr. Jovi clearing his throat.”
In addition to over 1,700 documented cases of Jon Bon Jovi making love to women during this past Monday's concert, the following claims have also been made:
- 3,256 women claimed to have had a kiss blown at them by Jon.
- 5,945 women say that they were winked at by either Jon or Richie Sambora, or in some cases by both.
- 10,253 women say Bon Jovi looked directly at them (although sources say that the actual attendance hovered around the 9,800 mark).
- Three women claim to have had sex with drummer Tico Torres behind a dumpster near the arena.
The previous record for largest orgasm in this region was set back in 1963 at a Guy Lombardo show. Experts say that the record for longest sustained orgasm will also soon fall. Hanson, the group that made the phrase “MMMBop” a household word, will be performing at Cowboy's Ranch in December. It is expected to be a moist evening for many ladies, and a few gentlemen who are still under the impression that middle brother Taylor is in fact a sexy lady.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora and the rest of the gang certainly had the juices flowing throughout their recent two-hour show at the John Labatt Centre.
“I had sex with Jon Bon Jovi tonight” proclaimed St. Thomas resident Ariel Olla. “Oh sure, he may have been on stage, and I may have been in section 310, row K, but make no mistake about it - we totally did it. We made a memory.”
Sheila Blige, another upper deck ticket holder reported a similar experience on her blog.
“He made me feel like I was born to be his baby,” wrote Blige. “When he laid his hands on me, he really made me have a nice day.”
While engaging in sexual intercourse over a distance of several hundred feet may seem impossible, scientist Verne Bockwinkle says such a claim should not be dismissed.
“The music of Mr. Jovi is very powerful,” explained Bockwinkle. “Concepts like space and time have no bearing when it comes to his lyrics. Mr. Jovi could conceivably lay a woman down in a bed of roses even if they are separated by the distance of several football fields. A female could be shot through the heart any time, any place, simply through the act of Mr. Jovi clearing his throat.”
In addition to over 1,700 documented cases of Jon Bon Jovi making love to women during this past Monday's concert, the following claims have also been made:
- 3,256 women claimed to have had a kiss blown at them by Jon.
- 5,945 women say that they were winked at by either Jon or Richie Sambora, or in some cases by both.
- 10,253 women say Bon Jovi looked directly at them (although sources say that the actual attendance hovered around the 9,800 mark).
- Three women claim to have had sex with drummer Tico Torres behind a dumpster near the arena.
The previous record for largest orgasm in this region was set back in 1963 at a Guy Lombardo show. Experts say that the record for longest sustained orgasm will also soon fall. Hanson, the group that made the phrase “MMMBop” a household word, will be performing at Cowboy's Ranch in December. It is expected to be a moist evening for many ladies, and a few gentlemen who are still under the impression that middle brother Taylor is in fact a sexy lady.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
