Fetishist doth protest too much
FUNshawe security and London police officers have been working overtime over the past two weeks due to the efforts of one overzealous student.
After a recent incident at the FUNshawe College Career Fair resulted in several students being detained and placed in handcuffs, first year student Sue Kinkster has been protesting up a storm.
Since February 13, Kinkster has been placed in handcuffs no fewer than eight times, according to one officer.
FUNshawe security, and some fellow students, have speculated that Kinkster is not in fact a person who has strong moral fiber and a passionate desire to express her beliefs. Instead, they believe she is somehow deriving pleasure from being restrained.
When Kinkster's boyfriend Lyle was asked if being placed in handcuffs is something that Sue had ever expressed interest in, Lyle responded, “Oh yeah, giggidy, giggidy!” Lyle then proceeded to give high-fives to several of his friends.
Kinkster was quick to deny these allegations.
“This is a campaign of lies designed to destroy my reputation and character,” stated Kinkster. “I strongly believe in all of the causes that I have represented over the past two weeks, and I proudly wear these handcuff marks on my wrist as a badge of honour. I will continue to express myself, no matter how many times I get dragged away. They can handcuff me, they can rough me up...you know what, they could even whip me. Perhaps while gagging me as well. Not that I would enjoy that, I'm just throwing it out there.”
Security has had to deal with Kinkster strongly objecting to the following items lately:
- The length of the lineup at the Out Back Shack during Sex Toy Bingo
- The presence of Colgate representatives in the Student Union Centre, whom Kinkster claims were recruiting students to “fight in a senseless war against tartar”
- Objectionable material appearing in the satirical section of the school's student newspaper
“Our patience with Ms. Kinkster is wearing quite thin,” said one member of security. “Just yesterday, as I was dragging her away from Mr. Sub because they refuse to offer free-trade mayonnaise, and I had to sternly tell her - listen ma'am, I'll ‘cuff you because that's part of my job - but spanking is out of the question.”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
After a recent incident at the FUNshawe College Career Fair resulted in several students being detained and placed in handcuffs, first year student Sue Kinkster has been protesting up a storm.
Since February 13, Kinkster has been placed in handcuffs no fewer than eight times, according to one officer.
FUNshawe security, and some fellow students, have speculated that Kinkster is not in fact a person who has strong moral fiber and a passionate desire to express her beliefs. Instead, they believe she is somehow deriving pleasure from being restrained.
When Kinkster's boyfriend Lyle was asked if being placed in handcuffs is something that Sue had ever expressed interest in, Lyle responded, “Oh yeah, giggidy, giggidy!” Lyle then proceeded to give high-fives to several of his friends.
Kinkster was quick to deny these allegations.
“This is a campaign of lies designed to destroy my reputation and character,” stated Kinkster. “I strongly believe in all of the causes that I have represented over the past two weeks, and I proudly wear these handcuff marks on my wrist as a badge of honour. I will continue to express myself, no matter how many times I get dragged away. They can handcuff me, they can rough me up...you know what, they could even whip me. Perhaps while gagging me as well. Not that I would enjoy that, I'm just throwing it out there.”
Security has had to deal with Kinkster strongly objecting to the following items lately:
- The length of the lineup at the Out Back Shack during Sex Toy Bingo
- The presence of Colgate representatives in the Student Union Centre, whom Kinkster claims were recruiting students to “fight in a senseless war against tartar”
- Objectionable material appearing in the satirical section of the school's student newspaper
“Our patience with Ms. Kinkster is wearing quite thin,” said one member of security. “Just yesterday, as I was dragging her away from Mr. Sub because they refuse to offer free-trade mayonnaise, and I had to sternly tell her - listen ma'am, I'll ‘cuff you because that's part of my job - but spanking is out of the question.”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
