A group of Fanshawe College researchers have stunned the scientific community by announcing that everything is twice as big as orginally thought.

The team of preeminent researchers, led by Professor Rod Shortfellow, published the controversial new theory in Fanshawe News.

According to their paper, “Previous generations of researchers have consistently miscalculated the underlying base metric of the spatial universe by a factor of exactly 100 per cent,” and as a result, “All objects, without exception, are therefore twice the size we had thought they were.”

Reactions to the theory have so far been mixed, with many female undergraduates in Shortfellows classes at Fanshawe pointing out that Shortfellow has a long history of claiming that things are larger than they really are.

“Professor Shortfellow told me in a late night tutoring session that things are actually larger than they appear,” said Eva Goodhead.

When asked why it had taken so long for scientists to discover that everything was twice as big as previously thought Professor Shortfellow explained that “it applies to rulers as well.

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