Faith Meets Life: Finding love in the vulnerable

“Love Doctor” is perhaps an inappropriate way to refer to Jean Vanier. The son of former Governor-General George Vanier, he is the founder of l'Arche, a movement of communities where able adults live with the physically and mentally handicapped. L'Arche communities have spread throughout the world with homes in London and many other Canadian cities.

I wrote about Vanier last fall, and with Valentine's Day approaching, my thoughts drifted to one of his book titles, Images of Love, Words of Hope. Vanier is a champion of love, though perhaps not the kind of love we often associate with modern popular views on the subject. In fact, now that I think on it, definitely not.

Many times our views on love between persons are associated with images of sexual attractiveness and mutual empowerment. For Vanier, however, love does not begin with a focus on appearance or with an emphasis on mutual benefit or interests. It begins with vulnerability.

This may sound odd. We don't usually approach someone with whom we want a relationship on the basis of vulnerability. We are more inclined to present our strengths, our powers and to ask what strengths and powers the other may want to share with us.

But Vanier, inspired by his Catholic faith and his Christian understanding of God, recognizes the importance of vulnerability. Just as God offered himself as the vulnerable one who suffered on behalf of humanity, so too, relationships between persons must be marked by vulnerability if they are to be authentic. Without vulnerability we end up with power games, posturing, sexual one-up-manship, and tragically in more extreme cases, emotional and physical abuse.

Vanier observes in the short book I mentioned that life begins and ends in vulnerability. As infants and as aged people, we are totally vulnerable, completely dependent on our caregivers.

But in between we forget our vulnerability. We develop masks and behavioural strategies to keep others at a distance and to accept them only on our own terms. As a result we miss many opportunities to share with others who we really are or to learn from others who they are. And we misunderstand our own selves, believing the half-truths we have built up about ourselves.

This is not to encourage carelessness when meeting new people. It is unfortunate that many times we need to keep up our guard. There are many who, intentionally or not, can and do take advantage of expressions of vulnerability. In fact, people being what they are, it would be foolish, sometimes even dangerous, to present ourselves as vulnerable when meeting someone for the first time.

Everyone must have boundaries. They are as necessary to healthy relationships as being vulnerable, but within the context of healthy boundaries, vulnerability as a key ingredient to a long-term relationship. When boundaries are understood and respected, trust builds so that vulnerability becomes possible.

Valentine's Day is here again. Web ads and talk shows are full of encouragements to share roses and chocolate. But what about the art of vulnerability, of truly sharing ourselves with others who we trust and with whom we want a stronger relationship?

Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.