Duff tickets cause riots at JLC
At 10:07 am, one unlucky fan began attacking ticket holders in a violent last-ditch attempt at seeing the pop princess live in the New Year. It didn't take long before other empty-handed fans joined the fray; by 10:13 am London police had blocked off Talbot and King streets and had turned to riot gear and tear gas in an attempt to dissipate the preteen gang.
Special Constable Roy Lewis, who has been a member of the riot squad since its inception in 1987 said he has never seen such raw, animal violence.
“It was carnage; everywhere you turned there were young girls scratching and biting, pulling hair to get those tickets.”
Sparkles filled the morning sky, making it hard for the police to identify the aggressive fans; distinguishing between victim and aggressor was nearly impossible.
Never in Canadian history has such a large, violent riot grown out of such a young, generally complacent group of people. Carrie Mayers, A mob analyst from the University of Toronto Psychology Department said that this sort of behaviour hasn't been seen since the Salem witch burnings of the early 18th century.
“These days, mobs tend to spawn from drunken football fans or overzealous holiday sale shoppers; not young, harmless girls,” Mayers said.
The area around the JLC was eventually secured, after nearly 50 girls and their legal guardians were taken to the Dundas Street police station for questioning. The identity of the instigator remains unknown at this time.
Once word reached Duff, she released a statement claiming that she was totally unaware of the violent nature of her fans, and hopes that there isn't a repeat of the violence at the concert in January, which will go ahead as scheduled.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious.
