I realize and reluctantly accept that we've become a culture of prepackaged sex in the form of commercials, music, movies, and a mass of other products, but this new craze has gone a little too far. I'm talking, of course, about the literary and cinematic abomination known as the Twilight saga.

Here's how I see the story: You've got Edward, the 100-year old vampire with nothing better to do then go back to high school and flirt with teenage girls (as well as the law in most states). He falls in love with a minor named Bella and struggles with the fact that he wants to and could easily drain her arteries if she displeases him. Then there's the other love interest; a guy named Jacob that is actually a werewolf. And by pure coincidence, both of Bella's love interests just happen to have been at war with each other for centuries. It happens all the time.

So Bella has to decide whom she'd rather get with: the homicidal pedo-vampire, or the manimal. Apparently the choice isn't easy if you're a teenage girl, as evidenced by the “Team Edward/Team Jacob” merchandise that's been burning my eyes for the past year. Sorry, did I say “teenage” girl? I must have forgot to mention the mass amount of “Twilight Moms” that have jumped onto this craze as well, because nothing's less disturbing than a bunch of cougars howling at jailbait on the big screen. I can assure you that if it were a group of old guys hollering at a Hannah Montana movie they'd be promptly removed from the theatre.

SPOILER ALERT (although I'm not spoiling much)

By the end of the series, Bella has a baby with the vampedophile. Don't feel bad for the werewolf though, he concedes to the fact that he can't have Bella and opts to get with her newborn daughter instead. True story. In the book it says he “imprints,” which is like marking your territory, only for a soul mate. I do believe that means Jacob pees on the baby's soul.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The message seems clear enough: go for the guy that wants to kill you and put you in danger, even if he makes you feel “safe.” Does that make a whole lot of sense? Frankly, it baffles me. I really don't understand the logic behind the Twilight craze. But then again, I don't understand why gorgeous women date complete assholes either.