Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)

Under the sea, under the sea, darling it's not always better, down where it's wetter, take it from Debbie...Debbie Gibson that is.

Now you might quite rightfully be asking yourself, “What the hell is this guy talking about?” Well, the hell that I am talking about is not hellish at all — in fact it is quite a heavenly delight. This week I'll be taking a look at the landmark 2009 film Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.

In Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, 1980s teen icon Debbie Gibson portrays Emma McNeil, an oceanographer and lover of all things sea related. However, Emma finds herself in the unenviable position of having to destroy two prehistoric sea creatures. In the biggest disaster since the Titanic (or at least since Jay Leno's move to primetime), a gigantic octopus and a Megalodon (a species of shark that went extinct some 1.5 million years ago) are freed when a helicopter crashes into a glacier.

The military recruits Emma, her college professor Lamar Sandors and Japanese scientist Dr. Seiji Shimada to help out with this catastrophic situation. Emma not only likes the sea, she also has a taste for sea men, which she shows by falling for Shimada. The attraction between the two of them allows Emma to come up with idea of attracting the two animals to each other using pheromones. Their efforts up to that point have not met with much success, so she figures they should just let the two creatures destroy one another in the ultimate rumble in the North Pacific Ocean.

I think it is truly a shame that this film was not released years earlier, during George W. Bush's presidential run. If it had been, I'm sure he would have used the film's plot to formulate a plan that involved the evil forces of Iran and Afghanistan taking each other out. They could have each been lured to another location, such as Yemen, and killed each other off. Then it would truly be time to hang the “Mission Accomplished” banner.

The whole cast shines in this one, but no one was any shinier than Debbie Gibson. Over 20 years ago, she composed hits such as Shake Your Love and Foolish Beat. She has done a lot since then — who could ever forget her stint pairing up with Kurt Browning on the Fox series Skating with Celebrities? Or her 2005 Playboy pictorial? Gibson certainly has a stellar resume, but the most impressive part of that resume, the part that should be highlighted in her cover letter, is her performance in this film. Whenever I think of sharks, hell, any type of fish, I will now think of Debbie Gibson.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is truly a transcendent piece of art. I fear that my review has truly not done it justice, as I lack the words to describe its brilliance. I cannot compare it to any other movie, as it stands head and shoulders above. Basically the experience of watching Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is akin to gazing at the Mona Lisa, while listening to Beethoven's 9th Symphony, while sipping Dom Pérignon, while eating a McDonald's sundae, while being blown by Jenna Jameson. I really liked this movie!