Call Me Old-Fashioned But... Let's make a date
Continuing on from last week's discussion of personal attire and making "respectable" choices, it only seemed logical to remain within the romantic realm offering up to my fellow ladies once again a few additional tidbits; this time, in terms of attitude, expectations and actions that will serve to transform you into the latter of the two aforementioned types.
Don't get me wrong, I've dated more than my fair share of losers (I'm a musician, and rocker boys … well, they're bad news), but then I learned "The Rules," and honest to god, no more than a month after this intensive "mind re-tooling" I roped in my very own Mr. Right. How right is he, you ask?
Well, from leaving roses on my doorstep in the middle of the night so that my early morning grogginess (and bitchiness) is combated as I venture on to my day job, to creating roadtrip CDs containing each and every one of my most obscure favourites, to planning a scavenger hunt of gifts for me on my birthday timed precisely so that I'd discover a new treat every hour until he returned home from work, to never missing a day when it comes to calling me beautiful, I think you get the picture.
But I'm not here to gloat about my own love life (and believe you me this is the first time in my entire existence that it has even been remotely "gloatable"). No, I'm here to tell you how you can have the very same kind of relationship.
While the business world dictates that the successful modern woman is aggressive and assertive, essentially mimicking the attributes traditionally associated with professional men, when it comes to dating, a woman who makes the first move is perceived as either a) easy or b) desperate; neither designation accords you long-term potential mate status. Let ME let YOU in on a secret: men LOVE a challenge.
On my and my fellow's first date, I intentionally arrived 15 minutes late. I told him he could only see me again if he were lucky, and I also made certain that I would not be the one texting, calling or emailing him to make plans. When he did call, I didn't always pick up the phone, and if he left a message, I didn't always return it.
Now these actions may scream out to women who are unaware of "The Rules" that I wasn't putting in my fair share, and consequently, I was going to drive him away because he'd get the wrong impression that I wasn't into him. On the contrary, my dears, it was all a test. If he wanted me for more than just a little hanky-panky, he had to show it, and the only way I (or any woman) could ascertain his true intentions was and continues to be by being able to evaluate the consistency of his efforts.
If you get a man on a routine (i.e.: there's an expectation that he's to call nightly at a given hour, for example), any deviation in his pattern will indicate to you there's a problem in the relationship (barring extraneous circumstances), therefore potentially saving you from seriously devastating heartbreak (which none of us want or deserve).
So why is all of this important? Well, let's face it ladies, we are naturally more emotional creatures, and we get attached to others much more easily. I've known a slew of women who have mistaken their "maternal instincts" (their desire to help others through care and nurturance) with their "huntress instincts" (their sex and romantic drives), leading to unfortunate co-dependent relationships wherein they play the roles of mother, housekeeper and bedmate simultaneously (not cool, any healthy relationship is mutual in ALL areas). On the converse, I've also known many women who have made excuses for lousy specimens of men, insisting their cheating was only a one-time thing, and they are perfectly okay with their mates' addictions to porn and other drugs of choice.
Don't kid yourself — we don't work the same way. Women can't just fuck and be satisfied. The ones that claim they can are lying to you and themselves, and almost invariably suffer from serious distorted perceptions of their own self worth.
The point is, nobody's going to want to buy the cow if you're giving away the milk for free. So, just as I suggested to you last week to class it up clothing-wise if you desire to be treated as a person (not a nice set of jugs), I also suggest you re-tool your dating protocol if you've found yourself dating anyone similar to my exes. The best place to start? Pick yourself up a copy of Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider's The Rules.
The most important thing to get out of all of this is this: don't sell yourself short. Going to a fast food joint is NOT an acceptable standard for a date, and meeting men at bars or gyms RARELY leads to anything more than you becoming next week's locker room gossip. Be coy. Be mysterious. Leave him wanting more, instead of giving it all upfront (I mean that from an emotional, dating history and physical stance). Think back to the days where marriages actually lasted… the one night stand scene gets old real fast and promoting promiscuity is stupid (not to mention all of the diseases and unnecessary pregnancies it leads to).