B.A.L.L.S.: A patron saint for everything
So, Valentine's Day happened. What a
funny day: corporate-sponsored holidays in
the guise of holy tributes to dead men and
women that other dead men canonized to
uphold the continuance of new and improved
characters to add to their sales job. Like
Marvel Comics! They need to keep adding
new characters and superheroes and supervillains
to keep people reading their stories. They
need to keep creating personas that people can
relate to.
St. Patrick, St. Valentine, St. Nicholas, St. Easterbunny and Saints Row (the video game — it's like GTA but has better explosions).
St. Valentine himself is the patron saint of beekeepers, engaged couples, epilepsy, fainting, greetings (the Patron Saint of "Yo"), happy marriages, lovers and plague. So, if you are a young, married man at a beekeepers' convention who drank too many coolers, had a seizure, caught a case of bubonic plague, fooled around with a fat beekeeper named Jim and passed out: St. Valentine is your man! Can you just see the circle of fat, robe-wearing men with funny hats and mind-messing incense debating who should take over the responsibility of being the patron saint of carrots, small pebbles and beer nuts? Many a fat priest came to blows debating the patron saint of enemas,* I tell you.
Do you know who the patron saint of prostitution is? No joke, there is literally a patron saint for every job, occupation, lifestyle, place, event and thing. The patron saint of hookers is St. Nicholas. Yup, Santa is a pimp.
It isn't the canonization of men and women that bothers me, nor the fact that this mythology means a lot to many people of the world. It is the corporate takeover of perfectly good and long-standing rituals. It is not love and togetherness that is celebrated on February 14; it is the stores that sell cards, balloons, dead plants and flowers temporarily preserved for your viewing and smelling pleasure, stuffed bears, jewelry and an endless assortment of heartshaped packaged sugar that are doing the celebrating. Go into a store on February 15: there will be a bin selling leftover stock from Valentine's Day and shelves newly stocked with cards, balloons, stuffed rabbits, chocolate eggs and an endless assortment of bunnyshaped packaged sugar.
Not only does February 14 force you to spend your money, but it also makes those who don't have a partner feel bad about themselves. Single girls gathering in renovated rec rooms, drinking Fat Bastard wine and watching the new episode of The Bachelor. I think that Brad has commitment issues.
Of course there are more saints than holidays. Given that corporations have taken over our holidays, it seems fitting to list some of the passed-over saints that would make much more sense in today's world:
St. Bernadine — patron saint of bankers; St. Matthew the Apostle — patron saint of money managers; St. Mary Magdalene — patron saint of hairdressers; St. Guy of Anderlecht — patron saint of horned animals; and St. Alfonzo's pancake breakfast.
The Catholic Church names just over 10,000 saints in their catalogue. With that many holidays in the wings, the corporate engine has a lot of work ahead of them. I wonder who the patron saint of the corporate takeover of holidays is? St. Club Monaco? St. Wal Mart? St. Microsoft? Whoever it is, I hope the holiday includes alcohol. We will need the booze to distract us from the bills.
*I couldn't find the patron saint for enemas by the way, but I did find out that St. Fiacre is the patron saint for hemorrhoid sufferers.
Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.
St. Patrick, St. Valentine, St. Nicholas, St. Easterbunny and Saints Row (the video game — it's like GTA but has better explosions).
St. Valentine himself is the patron saint of beekeepers, engaged couples, epilepsy, fainting, greetings (the Patron Saint of "Yo"), happy marriages, lovers and plague. So, if you are a young, married man at a beekeepers' convention who drank too many coolers, had a seizure, caught a case of bubonic plague, fooled around with a fat beekeeper named Jim and passed out: St. Valentine is your man! Can you just see the circle of fat, robe-wearing men with funny hats and mind-messing incense debating who should take over the responsibility of being the patron saint of carrots, small pebbles and beer nuts? Many a fat priest came to blows debating the patron saint of enemas,* I tell you.
Do you know who the patron saint of prostitution is? No joke, there is literally a patron saint for every job, occupation, lifestyle, place, event and thing. The patron saint of hookers is St. Nicholas. Yup, Santa is a pimp.
It isn't the canonization of men and women that bothers me, nor the fact that this mythology means a lot to many people of the world. It is the corporate takeover of perfectly good and long-standing rituals. It is not love and togetherness that is celebrated on February 14; it is the stores that sell cards, balloons, dead plants and flowers temporarily preserved for your viewing and smelling pleasure, stuffed bears, jewelry and an endless assortment of heartshaped packaged sugar that are doing the celebrating. Go into a store on February 15: there will be a bin selling leftover stock from Valentine's Day and shelves newly stocked with cards, balloons, stuffed rabbits, chocolate eggs and an endless assortment of bunnyshaped packaged sugar.
Not only does February 14 force you to spend your money, but it also makes those who don't have a partner feel bad about themselves. Single girls gathering in renovated rec rooms, drinking Fat Bastard wine and watching the new episode of The Bachelor. I think that Brad has commitment issues.
Of course there are more saints than holidays. Given that corporations have taken over our holidays, it seems fitting to list some of the passed-over saints that would make much more sense in today's world:
St. Bernadine — patron saint of bankers; St. Matthew the Apostle — patron saint of money managers; St. Mary Magdalene — patron saint of hairdressers; St. Guy of Anderlecht — patron saint of horned animals; and St. Alfonzo's pancake breakfast.
The Catholic Church names just over 10,000 saints in their catalogue. With that many holidays in the wings, the corporate engine has a lot of work ahead of them. I wonder who the patron saint of the corporate takeover of holidays is? St. Club Monaco? St. Wal Mart? St. Microsoft? Whoever it is, I hope the holiday includes alcohol. We will need the booze to distract us from the bills.
*I couldn't find the patron saint for enemas by the way, but I did find out that St. Fiacre is the patron saint for hemorrhoid sufferers.
Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.
