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Make your love life tabloid-worthy

Kinsi Grimen | Excalibur | Lifestyles | January 23rd, 2006

TORONTO (CUP) -- It's all about the hot and trendy Hollywood, dahling! We simply cannot fall out of style (shudder). We must incorporate this love of anything celebrity into our lives, especially in relation to our relationships.

My fellow celeb-crazed audience, I am here to guide you perplexed souls on how to 'celebratize' your own relationship. My sole purpose in life is to help you glam up that dreary affair you are currently engaged in. Yes, salvation at last! You do not have to be a movie star to feel like one. It is time, my common people, to customize your love lives according to the 'Celebrity Couple 101' guidelines.

10. Big glistening teeth are of paramount importance. If the combined power of you and your significant other's teeth does not illuminate a small country, consider this mission failed. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are of inspiration. Their teeth practically sing to you.

9. Nervous breakdowns are in. Mental angst in all its forms is welcomed with open (skinny) arms. Either you or your significant other must display some form of mental grief. Unfortunately, not all of us are blessed with a dark past, but as they say: When in doubt, fake it.

8. This is a tricky one. Your man must be in jail for some period so you have the opportunity to 'stand by your man'. Perhaps you can arrange some form of secret vacation for your beloved if he is unable to commit some kind of petty criminal activity (coward). This is the ideal time to perfect your damsel in distress facial expressions and to invest in Dior sunglasses to hide your 'anguished' eyes (onions do wonders). Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown clearly have perfected this step. Bravo!

7. You simply must serenade each other on stage. I'm thinking big hair, gowns stolen off the set of Dallas, a few thousand roses all over the stage and of course, enough lovesick expressions and meaningful gazes from you both to inspire world peace. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony should be closely watched for pointers.

6. You must proclaim your love at all times. You must fawn so excessively over your (chiseled) significant other that his or her face turns blue with your declarations of love. Stress how 'amazing' he or she is, how 'exciting' all this is, and how you've been swept off your (twig-like) legs.

5. Finish each other's sentences. This takes a lot of practice, and it can prove to be quite a hassle when people ask you about subjects outside of what you and your partner have practiced together. When in this precarious position, do not try and improvise, but rather, mention the awful state of affairs in the world today. This way, the questioner will be awestruck by you and your partner's humbleness and world consciousness, and hopefully forget about the original question.

4. It is imperative that you purchase a dog the size of a teacup and wear his cousins on your back. Be sure to steer clear of any animal lovers group. It wouldn't do to have your fur coat stained especially when you're out on the road 'standing by your man'.

3. Disappear from the scene for a while. Granted, this may be quite a task when there is no scene to disappear from. Details, dahlings, details!

2. Your (rental) engagement ring's radiance must only be rivaled by that of the sun. Nothing else will do. Your ring must enter the room before you do. The more people you blind, the hotter the 'bling'.

1. If all fails, then marry Tom Cruise and have him trace the development of your spawn - I mean child - with a sonogram.
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