Prairie police forced to improvise when supplies run out
Seven ranking officers on the Regina Police Force are facing charges of endangerment and public intoxication after a supply shortage left them looking for a quick alternative to outline chalk.
The incident occurred late Friday night, when several cars were dispatched to a frat house near the University of Regina. A 911 call had been placed from inside the house, and the caller claimed that there a fistfight had left one young man unconscious.
By the time the police arrived, the man had died. Eyewitness accounts were so varied that the police were forced to treat the situation as a homicide until an investigation could be completed.
Part of the procedure included tracing the outline of the body as it lay with heavy-duty chalk. Unfortunately, due to recent municipal budget cuts, the officers at the scene had no chalk on hand.
So they improvised with the most abundant material at the time - empty beer bottles.
“They were absolutly everywhere,” said Constable Jim Bauer, who was first on the scene, “so we thought, hell, we can use these to mark the position until we get some real chalk.
“Only problem was, we ran out of empties before we finished, so there was only one other option.”
The officers found a case of cold beers in the fridge, and started drinking them as fast as possible, so the body could be marked before the coroner arrived to deliver it to the morgue. Bauer and his partner, Constable Rachel Morgan, started drinking and had produced approximately nine more bottles to add to the outline. But that wasn't enough to complete the markings, so as officers arrived on the scene, they began assisting officers Bauer and Morgan.
According to Steve “Scuba Steve” Lawson, one of the fraternity's brothers, the cops managed to put back the case in under 15 minutes.
“We were all blown away,” Scuba Steve said. “We always figured that cops were so straight-edged and boring, and then they show up and out of nowhere drink most of us undeer the table! It was awesome!”
While the frat brothers have saluted the officeres involved, senior officials with the Police Force were not impressed with their actions.
“While we are glad to hear that our training has taughtthem to make due with what they have in a given situation, this isn't exactly what we had in mind,” said Regina Police spokesperson Sgt. Frank MacPherson.
The majority of the problems resulted not from the beer bottle outline, but rather the intoxicated state the officers were in when they resumed the processing of the scene. Eyewitness reports allege that many of the officers were tipsy and rowdy. Two or three had engaged in a competetive game of caps with some of the remaining frat brothers, and others were doing shots of vodka and tequila in an upstairs bedroom.
Some of the less inebriated officers tried to corral their drunk co-workers and attempted to make them focus on the task of processing the murder scene, but it proved to be too difficult to hold the drunk officers' attention.
“It was like Animal House in there,” Bauer said as he emerged from the house in the early morning. He then suggested calling the Regina Fire Department to set up an 8-ball tournament at Sharky's, the local pool hall.
“We'll kick their asses!” he yelled, immediately before ducking under a shrub, persumably to vomit.
The officers involved spent the rest of the day in their own drunk tank, and were released on their own recognisance late Saturday evening. Each officer involved is facing charges, but they will likely be dropped since the proper supplies were not given to the officers to properly conduct their job.
The man who died in the house underwent an autopsy on Saturday; the coroner released a statement early Sunday that listed alcohol poisoning as the cause of death. The boy who the deceased was fighting with said he felt really bad about what happened, but was relieved to hear that the death was not his fault.
“I just want to tell the family how sorry I am that this happened, and I'd also like to extend an invitation to the officers that came out to the frat house - me and some of the guys are having a little tribute party at Sharky's next weekend, and we really want themto come out with us.
“They were freakin' awesome, and I'm sure that anyone would be glad to hear that these cool guys were partying for them,” he added.
As information is released by Regina Police on the status of the charges, it will be available on their website at www.fakestory.com
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
The incident occurred late Friday night, when several cars were dispatched to a frat house near the University of Regina. A 911 call had been placed from inside the house, and the caller claimed that there a fistfight had left one young man unconscious.
By the time the police arrived, the man had died. Eyewitness accounts were so varied that the police were forced to treat the situation as a homicide until an investigation could be completed.
Part of the procedure included tracing the outline of the body as it lay with heavy-duty chalk. Unfortunately, due to recent municipal budget cuts, the officers at the scene had no chalk on hand.
So they improvised with the most abundant material at the time - empty beer bottles.
“They were absolutly everywhere,” said Constable Jim Bauer, who was first on the scene, “so we thought, hell, we can use these to mark the position until we get some real chalk.
“Only problem was, we ran out of empties before we finished, so there was only one other option.”
The officers found a case of cold beers in the fridge, and started drinking them as fast as possible, so the body could be marked before the coroner arrived to deliver it to the morgue. Bauer and his partner, Constable Rachel Morgan, started drinking and had produced approximately nine more bottles to add to the outline. But that wasn't enough to complete the markings, so as officers arrived on the scene, they began assisting officers Bauer and Morgan.
According to Steve “Scuba Steve” Lawson, one of the fraternity's brothers, the cops managed to put back the case in under 15 minutes.
“We were all blown away,” Scuba Steve said. “We always figured that cops were so straight-edged and boring, and then they show up and out of nowhere drink most of us undeer the table! It was awesome!”
While the frat brothers have saluted the officeres involved, senior officials with the Police Force were not impressed with their actions.
“While we are glad to hear that our training has taughtthem to make due with what they have in a given situation, this isn't exactly what we had in mind,” said Regina Police spokesperson Sgt. Frank MacPherson.
The majority of the problems resulted not from the beer bottle outline, but rather the intoxicated state the officers were in when they resumed the processing of the scene. Eyewitness reports allege that many of the officers were tipsy and rowdy. Two or three had engaged in a competetive game of caps with some of the remaining frat brothers, and others were doing shots of vodka and tequila in an upstairs bedroom.
Some of the less inebriated officers tried to corral their drunk co-workers and attempted to make them focus on the task of processing the murder scene, but it proved to be too difficult to hold the drunk officers' attention.
“It was like Animal House in there,” Bauer said as he emerged from the house in the early morning. He then suggested calling the Regina Fire Department to set up an 8-ball tournament at Sharky's, the local pool hall.
“We'll kick their asses!” he yelled, immediately before ducking under a shrub, persumably to vomit.
The officers involved spent the rest of the day in their own drunk tank, and were released on their own recognisance late Saturday evening. Each officer involved is facing charges, but they will likely be dropped since the proper supplies were not given to the officers to properly conduct their job.
The man who died in the house underwent an autopsy on Saturday; the coroner released a statement early Sunday that listed alcohol poisoning as the cause of death. The boy who the deceased was fighting with said he felt really bad about what happened, but was relieved to hear that the death was not his fault.
“I just want to tell the family how sorry I am that this happened, and I'd also like to extend an invitation to the officers that came out to the frat house - me and some of the guys are having a little tribute party at Sharky's next weekend, and we really want themto come out with us.
“They were freakin' awesome, and I'm sure that anyone would be glad to hear that these cool guys were partying for them,” he added.
As information is released by Regina Police on the status of the charges, it will be available on their website at www.fakestory.com
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
