CREDIT: 20TH CENTURY FOX
The cast of Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding poses for a promotional picture.

Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding (2003)

Sexual Awareness Days are once again upon us here at Fanshawe. That means that there is going to be a lot of sexual content in this publication — I've heard rumours that the word 'urethra' is actually going to be printed, though I can't confirm that. Now some people might not want to hear about this. Some people stand in the darkness. Afraid to step into the light. But for those who do want to hear about a rather arousing film, I'll be ready, never you fear, to share with you my analysis of the sexiest film ever captured on celluloid that doesn't have to be sold covered in a brown paper bag. I am, of course, referring to Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding.

Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding is a 2003 film that reunited many of the key players from the monstrous hit TV show Baywatch. David Hasselhoff, Pamela Anderson, Yasmine Bleeth, Gena Lee Nolin, Carmen Electra and the Connoisseur's personal favourite Nicole Eggert all return to don the red speedos that ushered an entire generation of youngsters through pubescence.

In one of the darkest moments in television history, Hasselhoff's iconic character Mitch Buchannon died in a boating accident. The world mourned, and if I remember correctly, Elton John re-recorded "Candle in the Wind" in Mitch's honour.

But cheer up, world! It turns out Mitch is alive and well, and had actually just been suffering from amnesia. He's got himself a fiancée, and is headed back to the beach to visit some friends and tie the knot. But Mitch's friends and co-workers are suspicious of his new love's motives. Things go from bad to worse when Mitch's arch-nemesis Mason Sato returns to put the kibosh not only on the wedding, but on Mitch himself.

Another subplot involves the opening of CJ's Bar & Grill by one of the series' most popular characters, C.J. Parker (Pamela Anderson). When one thinks of sex, one often thinks of Pamela Anderson. Hell, when one has sex, one is often thinking of Pamela Anderson. Canada's greatest export has done it all in show business. From assisting Tim Allen with his tools in Home Improvement to assisting ex-husband Tommy Lee with his tool in an infamous sex tape, Pamela has always handled herself with the utmost grace and dignity.

Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding is a fitting conclusion to one of the most important series in television history. So in honour of Sexual Awareness Days here at Fanshawe, be sure to yank it... off the shelf of your local DVD retailer.