Are you bored with your boyfriend?
It's the end of a long day and you both fall into bed, clothes abandoned in the middle of the floor, and seconds later you're in dreamland. If this sounds familiar, you might be in a long-term relationship.
Something every couple struggles with is how to maintain an active healthy sex life over weeks, months and years. Dr. Jack Ferrari is a psychologist and counsellor in practice here in London with 35 years of experience in his field. "When people are unhappy and don't feel emotionally connected, the sex life does suffer."
Although this seems like an indicator of a failed or failing relationship, Ferrari warned, "People do catastrophize when the honeymoon is over." Every relationship starts with the participants being enamoured with each other, but regardless of how well matched two people are, life problems will inevitably add stress. When the stressful moments do come, it's crucial to maintain effective communication throughout the ordeal or risk feelings of isolation and resentment.
Dr. Carlen Costa is London's only sexologist and she said she believes that "emotional health comes from having a solid support system — whether that be one person, or many — and your ability to be able to clearly express those emotions and cognitively process them. Sex only complicates things when we complicate them."
According to Ferrari, "It's not the process of communication per se so much as perhaps the content: what needs to be talked about." It's not enough to just be talking about the things going on in your lives; equally important is the ability to speak candidly about your relationship as an entity with a life of its own.
A major obstacle in the path of a long relationship is the disposable attitude towards everything in our lives. In previous years, a car was expected to last 15 years, a kitchen table lasted a lifetime and so did relationships. Fast forward to now, when it's unusual to even have the same cellphone for two years. "People certainly are less likely to put up with a bad relationship for longer," said Ferrari, and this creates an inherent tension in every relationship because there's the knowledge that, if this relationship should fail, it wouldn't be a daunting task to find another partner.
Costa made the point that "when you have a dependent partner, the odds of engaging are in your favour. Having a consistent partner who is also experiencing their own sexual arousal cycle makes it more convenient and easier to access... literally."
Despite this, and many other benefits, Ferrari noted, "People who have been through bad relationships and have breakups are less likely to put up with too much in the next one," because rather than address the problems, they'd sooner replace the person. "Part of it is the disposable society and part of it is changed societal expectations and changed attitudes toward authority — you don't stay married because people say you have to." These attitudes have a negative effect on everyone's emotional health because, rather than face the problem and experience the personal growth that stems from conflict, we choose to ignore unpleasant realities and stunt our emotional growth.
Ferrari spoke of a scientific theory that states the differences between male and female sexual desire could lie in their differing roles in the reproductive process. While men are essentially free to come and go as they please, a woman always has the potential to become pregnant and be stuck with the responsibility of carrying a child. "I think we still have to say that men tend to be a little more promiscuous, equating sexual discharge with the enjoyable feelings in a relationship, while women want more long-term, less tangible indications of emotional intimacy." It's this dystopia of expectations that leads to a lot of the tension in relationships that involve sexual intercourse before marriage.
Ferrari gave the parting advice that "there may be differences to what is ideal and you have to work that out as a shared collaborative problem or issue ... try different things, try to remember what happened when you first felt those stirrings of romantic love." Even if the honeymoon period is over, relationships tend to be cyclical: a period of unhappiness can be followed by a renewal of feelings. If you have both have an honest desire to better your relationship, honest communication can only serve to strengthen that bond.
"People don't have the same interest in each other and don't want to be intimate at the end of a stressful day"
- Dr. Jack Ferrari
"Sex is about individuality. It's about pleasure. It's about release. It's about connection. Our sex lives are just as diverse as we are people. Both require physical, mental and emotional preparation in order to execute in a healthy way."
— Dr. Carlen Costa
Something every couple struggles with is how to maintain an active healthy sex life over weeks, months and years. Dr. Jack Ferrari is a psychologist and counsellor in practice here in London with 35 years of experience in his field. "When people are unhappy and don't feel emotionally connected, the sex life does suffer."
Although this seems like an indicator of a failed or failing relationship, Ferrari warned, "People do catastrophize when the honeymoon is over." Every relationship starts with the participants being enamoured with each other, but regardless of how well matched two people are, life problems will inevitably add stress. When the stressful moments do come, it's crucial to maintain effective communication throughout the ordeal or risk feelings of isolation and resentment.
Dr. Carlen Costa is London's only sexologist and she said she believes that "emotional health comes from having a solid support system — whether that be one person, or many — and your ability to be able to clearly express those emotions and cognitively process them. Sex only complicates things when we complicate them."
According to Ferrari, "It's not the process of communication per se so much as perhaps the content: what needs to be talked about." It's not enough to just be talking about the things going on in your lives; equally important is the ability to speak candidly about your relationship as an entity with a life of its own.
A major obstacle in the path of a long relationship is the disposable attitude towards everything in our lives. In previous years, a car was expected to last 15 years, a kitchen table lasted a lifetime and so did relationships. Fast forward to now, when it's unusual to even have the same cellphone for two years. "People certainly are less likely to put up with a bad relationship for longer," said Ferrari, and this creates an inherent tension in every relationship because there's the knowledge that, if this relationship should fail, it wouldn't be a daunting task to find another partner.
Costa made the point that "when you have a dependent partner, the odds of engaging are in your favour. Having a consistent partner who is also experiencing their own sexual arousal cycle makes it more convenient and easier to access... literally."
Despite this, and many other benefits, Ferrari noted, "People who have been through bad relationships and have breakups are less likely to put up with too much in the next one," because rather than address the problems, they'd sooner replace the person. "Part of it is the disposable society and part of it is changed societal expectations and changed attitudes toward authority — you don't stay married because people say you have to." These attitudes have a negative effect on everyone's emotional health because, rather than face the problem and experience the personal growth that stems from conflict, we choose to ignore unpleasant realities and stunt our emotional growth.
Ferrari spoke of a scientific theory that states the differences between male and female sexual desire could lie in their differing roles in the reproductive process. While men are essentially free to come and go as they please, a woman always has the potential to become pregnant and be stuck with the responsibility of carrying a child. "I think we still have to say that men tend to be a little more promiscuous, equating sexual discharge with the enjoyable feelings in a relationship, while women want more long-term, less tangible indications of emotional intimacy." It's this dystopia of expectations that leads to a lot of the tension in relationships that involve sexual intercourse before marriage.
Ferrari gave the parting advice that "there may be differences to what is ideal and you have to work that out as a shared collaborative problem or issue ... try different things, try to remember what happened when you first felt those stirrings of romantic love." Even if the honeymoon period is over, relationships tend to be cyclical: a period of unhappiness can be followed by a renewal of feelings. If you have both have an honest desire to better your relationship, honest communication can only serve to strengthen that bond.
"People don't have the same interest in each other and don't want to be intimate at the end of a stressful day"
- Dr. Jack Ferrari
"Sex is about individuality. It's about pleasure. It's about release. It's about connection. Our sex lives are just as diverse as we are people. Both require physical, mental and emotional preparation in order to execute in a healthy way."
— Dr. Carlen Costa
