Lottery! At least that's what Orel Satyriasis thought when he rolled up the rim to win.

Patrons at the Dundas Street Tim Horton's thought Satyriasis had won one of the 30 cars being given away...instead it turned out to be one of 10 unpublicized prizes of oral sex.

“I couldn't believe it. Normally I win a free coffee, sometimes a muffin, but this was like hitting the lottery for me,” said Satyriasis, a 23 year-old first year Fanshawe student from Wiarton. “Every time I think about it I get a tingle down my spine. I never thought I could win such a prize.”

The much publicized roll up the rim campaign offers traditional prizes of free cars, TV's, cash, barbeques and a host of in-store giveaways, but the company apparently wanted to try something a little different and added 10 bonus cups offering oral sex. Satyriasis is the first bonus cup winner.

“We wanted to give something back to our customers that they may have not been expecting,” said a company spokesperson. “We believe that by even including this as a potential prize we will be able to stimulate the imagination, and possibly the bedrooms of Canada, and there's nothing wrong with that.”

The unusual prize though opens some serious questions as to how winners will be able to cash in on the prize.

“We've signed on a number of celebrities, both men and women who have said they'd like to be a part of the giveaway,” said the spokesperson. “I think with the choices we have lined up winners of these cups will not be disappointed.”

Those on the list to perform fellatio, cunnilingus or in some select cases anilingus include Golden Girl Bea Arthur, Donna Douglas and Max Baer Jr., (who both starred in the Beverly Hillbillies as Elly May and Jethro). Also Adam West (Batman) and Burt Ward (Robin) from the 1960's Batman TV series are listed as a duo. Other notables include Mindy Cohn and Kim Fields (Natalie and Tootie from Facts of Life), Gary Coleman (Arnold Jackson on Different Strokes), Margot Kidder (Lois Lane in the Superman movies), Silken Laumann (Canadian and Olympic Rowing champion), Grahame Greene (Kicking Bird in Dances With Wolves), Rich Little (comedian/impressionist), Jason Priestly (Beverly Hills 90210) and Alex Trebek (host Jeopardy…I'll take cunnilingus Alex?). Musicians on the list include Gene Simmons, Celine Dion, K.D. Lang, Rita McNeil, Ashley McIsaac, Joni Mitchell, Burton Cummings, Walter Ostanek, Kim Mitchell and Anne Murray. Other available celebrities signed on can be found at www.rollbacktheforeskintowin.com and www.foldbackthelabiatowin.com.

“The cherry on top of all these celebrities is having signed William Shatner to take part in this,” said the spokesperson. “And what's particularly thrilling is that (Bill) has decided to be involved with all the winning cups. He's a real trooper.”

While the list is long, and not all the celebrities listed will be chosen, each one will receive a one-year's supply of free coffee. Those selected will get a lifetime of free coffee. Shatner's deal also includes a lifetime of free bran muffins.

“I was really hoping to cash in my prize with my favourite server. I always come in when she's working,” said Satyriasis. “I don't really want to have to settle for Bea Arthur or Mindy Cohen. I'll have to check their website for other options. Hopefully though I have the option of cashing it in-store. That would be sweet.”

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.