Reyno Rants: Crappy Christmas carols: Why I can't stand Christmas music
Christmas music is perhaps the most excruciatingly
painful part of the holiday season.
It even ranks worse than working at
Walmart on Christmas Eve, trust me I’ve
done it and it’s not pretty. People often ask
me how I can have such a passion for music
but detest this central aspect of holiday
tradition. It can be hard to understand my
disdain and that of my fellow Grinch-folk so
let me break it down for you.
Longevity: Christmas music starts on Nov. 1, the day after Halloween. That’s a full 55 days jam packed with the same Christmas carols as last year. I’m sorry but if there isn’t even snow on the ground, I am not ready to embrace any sort of ‘holiday cheer’ yet. People still have cobwebs covering severed heads and piles of corn syrup oozing from tombstones, yet there’s some jolly bloke down the street humming while he blasts “Deck The Halls” at 10 a.m. Excuse me sir, I’m trying to nurse a hangover here while removing the skeleton bones from my front yard, why are you already wrapping your balcony in tinsel?
Variety: Variety? More like lack thereof. In total there are only about 50 completely original Christmas carols that still see rotation on the radio. If this seems low it’s because I’m not taking into account the endless, endless, endless covers and reimagining’s of those tunes. The hundreds of cash-grab remakes means that I’m going to hear “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” sung by at least 10 different pop stars before December even hits. If I listened to only one Christmas song a day, I’d get through the holidays just fine but that’s never the case. On average I have to suffer through nine Christmas songs each and every stinking day. That’s 495 songs in two months! That’s more songs than there are days in the year! This is balderdash, it’s unacceptable and it’s repulsive. Forcing me to listen to nearly 500 songs drawn from a library of just 50 original tracks is despicable. I can only hear “Merry Happy Jolly” by The Jingle Jingle Jingle Club so many times before I snap.
Mandatory: People always say to me “If you hate Christmas music so much, just turn it off.” Well let me tell you something Cindy Lou Who, one doesn’t simply ‘turn off’ the Christmas music. The carols are absolutely everywhere: on the radio, in the malls, in big-box stores and even on TV thanks to those trusty old Christmas musicals. Even when I have control of the radio, if a Christmas song comes on and I change the station, absolutely everyone within earshot revolts against me. People treat me like I’ve just run over a small dog and I’m immediately forced to change the station back. If I want to listen to a carol I will, but when they’re shoved down my throat for 55 straight days, I get a little bitter about it. Maybe if there were days in the week where the percentage of Christmas songs dipped down, I’d be less bitter. This is only a dream though because these people are relentless. The Christmas music is a 24/7, unending sea of crap and frankly I’m not a great swimmer.
Authenticity: At the end of the day there are very few songs that actually tackle the true themes and meanings of Christmas spirit. The festive tunes getting radio play are all about Santa Claus and Rudolph and being jolly 24/7; it’s all part of a well-balanced corporate Christmas. What’s worse is that the reason these artists are making Christmas songs and albums isn’t even for the joy of Christmas, it’s because of how profitable Christmas music is. Many people will say a band has sold out when they sign to a major label, but the real standard for selling out is a crappy Christmas album.
If you’re still a little baffled as to why some people hate Christmas music, that’s okay. It’s hard to understand these things when “Here Comes Santa Claus” is running through your head all day long. Just know that if you give me a Christmas CD this year, you will be getting a mountain of coal delivered to your house with a healthy dose of glitter cannons.
Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.
Longevity: Christmas music starts on Nov. 1, the day after Halloween. That’s a full 55 days jam packed with the same Christmas carols as last year. I’m sorry but if there isn’t even snow on the ground, I am not ready to embrace any sort of ‘holiday cheer’ yet. People still have cobwebs covering severed heads and piles of corn syrup oozing from tombstones, yet there’s some jolly bloke down the street humming while he blasts “Deck The Halls” at 10 a.m. Excuse me sir, I’m trying to nurse a hangover here while removing the skeleton bones from my front yard, why are you already wrapping your balcony in tinsel?
Variety: Variety? More like lack thereof. In total there are only about 50 completely original Christmas carols that still see rotation on the radio. If this seems low it’s because I’m not taking into account the endless, endless, endless covers and reimagining’s of those tunes. The hundreds of cash-grab remakes means that I’m going to hear “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” sung by at least 10 different pop stars before December even hits. If I listened to only one Christmas song a day, I’d get through the holidays just fine but that’s never the case. On average I have to suffer through nine Christmas songs each and every stinking day. That’s 495 songs in two months! That’s more songs than there are days in the year! This is balderdash, it’s unacceptable and it’s repulsive. Forcing me to listen to nearly 500 songs drawn from a library of just 50 original tracks is despicable. I can only hear “Merry Happy Jolly” by The Jingle Jingle Jingle Club so many times before I snap.
Mandatory: People always say to me “If you hate Christmas music so much, just turn it off.” Well let me tell you something Cindy Lou Who, one doesn’t simply ‘turn off’ the Christmas music. The carols are absolutely everywhere: on the radio, in the malls, in big-box stores and even on TV thanks to those trusty old Christmas musicals. Even when I have control of the radio, if a Christmas song comes on and I change the station, absolutely everyone within earshot revolts against me. People treat me like I’ve just run over a small dog and I’m immediately forced to change the station back. If I want to listen to a carol I will, but when they’re shoved down my throat for 55 straight days, I get a little bitter about it. Maybe if there were days in the week where the percentage of Christmas songs dipped down, I’d be less bitter. This is only a dream though because these people are relentless. The Christmas music is a 24/7, unending sea of crap and frankly I’m not a great swimmer.
Authenticity: At the end of the day there are very few songs that actually tackle the true themes and meanings of Christmas spirit. The festive tunes getting radio play are all about Santa Claus and Rudolph and being jolly 24/7; it’s all part of a well-balanced corporate Christmas. What’s worse is that the reason these artists are making Christmas songs and albums isn’t even for the joy of Christmas, it’s because of how profitable Christmas music is. Many people will say a band has sold out when they sign to a major label, but the real standard for selling out is a crappy Christmas album.
If you’re still a little baffled as to why some people hate Christmas music, that’s okay. It’s hard to understand these things when “Here Comes Santa Claus” is running through your head all day long. Just know that if you give me a Christmas CD this year, you will be getting a mountain of coal delivered to your house with a healthy dose of glitter cannons.
Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.
