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PSA: Read this article before picking up a game of Monopoly with loved ones... you'll thank us later.

Playing a board game is a commitment. Some people may look at the latest reinvention of Monopoly and think, “What a lovely and wholesome way to spend an afternoon with my family,” but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Picking up Monopoly is a commitment to dismantling even the purest of gatherings.

Playing any board game that lasts longer than 30 minutes can bring out the worst in a family, but none have a reputation as fearsome as this property-trading nightmare. Aunt Carol probably seemed like a decent person until you blocked her monopoly on the yellow properties. I bet you didn’t know that grandpa Lloyd could throw a coffee table across the living room until you landed on the railway that he just mortgaged. Cousin Dave was a soft-spoken kid with a bright future until he landed in jail for the third time.

The point I’m trying to make here is that you don’t know your family’s villainous rage until you get into the third hour of Monopoly. Couches have burned, tables have been smashed, glasses have been broken; the horrors are endless. It doesn’t matter if your family is a picture-perfect group that gives to charity and volunteers at a retirement home every other Saturday. If you play Monopoly as a family, you will be at each other’s throats. Literally. If you didn’t think that paper money could be used as a weapon, then you haven’t seen uncle Walter paying rent on Boardwalk with three houses. I heed you all to put down this cursed game and play something easier instead. Why? Because you need to do more than just roll doubles to get out of jail in real life.

There are early warning signs that pop up when a game of Monopoly is reaching its point of no return and I suggest bailing out as soon as any of these occur.

1. The first player resigns, handing over all their properties to your sworn enemy.

2. An argument starts with the phrase “that’s not a rule” and lasts 10 minutes or longer.

3. Someone avoids paying rent before the next player rolls the dice and the landowner won’t drop it for the rest of the game.

4. No one can achieve a monopoly because everyone is too stubborn to trade their properties.

5. The knuckles of your brother’s clenched fist have started turning white.

6. The Banker is caught stealing.

7. You leave for the bathroom and when you return your bank looks smaller than before.

8. Your mother is pouring her seventh glass of wine.

9. Your neighbours are at the front door because a coffee table just ended up on your front lawn.

10. Players start brandishing their game token as a weapon, particularly if it is the cannon.

This may all seem like a work of fiction or a thinly veiled effort to be comedic but reflect on the grave warnings written above. How well do you really know your new stepbrother? How evenly tempered can your uncle Stan truly be? Is that decorative anvil on the mantle close enough to be used as a weapon if things go south?

If you still feel inclined to play a game of Monopoly with your family or close friends, contact the Interrobang for directions to the nearest Monopoly Support Group and Wellness Center.
Editorial opinions or comments expressed in this online edition of Interrobang newspaper reflect the views of the writer and are not those of the Interrobang or the Fanshawe Student Union. The Interrobang is published weekly by the Fanshawe Student Union at 1001 Fanshawe College Blvd., P.O. Box 7005, London, Ontario, N5Y 5R6 and distributed through the Fanshawe College community. Letters to the editor are welcome. All letters are subject to editing and should be emailed. All letters must be accompanied by contact information. Letters can also be submitted online by clicking here.